The Mostly True Confessions of a Teenage Imprint
by Lolabean07
Summary: As the second imprint, Kim lived in the shadow of Emily Young, otherwise known as the "perfect imprint." When Jared's eyes met hers over a #2 pencil, it seemed her prayers had been answered. At least until she stopped staring at the sun and realized the truth of the lies she had been told.
1. Prologue: End

**The Twilight Series belongs to S. Meyer, no copyright infringement is intended. I'm just playing with the characters.**

**AN: This is a quasi-continuation of the O/S titled Choice though you don't necessarily have to read that to understand this story. I promise an update on DS later this week.**

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**End (verb) ****to bring to an end: a point that marks the extent of something**

Every story must have an end and I guess a beginning too. This is mine. For better or worse, I, one Kim Connweller, promise to tell the truth to the best of my ability. I cannot guarantee that after my tale is told that you'll understand the choices I've made or see that not only I am a villain, but a victim – but I hope to shed some light on where it all went wrong.

But as I sit here, I struggle to find the exact moment in time in which everything became royally fucked up. The moment when Fate decided that little old me needed a swift kick in the ass. They say you can't fight destiny – well, I've spent my entire life doing just that.

When I finally couldn't stand another moment in the misery that I'd unwittingly created for myself – I didn't look back. Looking back meant regrets and I vowed to never have those. And the whole _"imprinting for stronger wolves theory"_ the elders had? Well, let's just say I know two kids that are living proof that imprinting does pick out the best breeding partner – though nature isn't very selective of who plants the seed.

But now I have no choice but to return to the one place I've only seen in my dreams and worst nightmares. I have no idea how they'll react to my arrival, for all I know, they believe me to be dead. I haven't talked to my parents in years. One postcard with three lines over a dozen years ago: _I'm sorry – I love you – Don't look for me_.

Fuck me, I'm a crappy daughter. No wonder my kids have been such pains in my ass the last few weeks.

Or it could be the fact they'll phase any day. Thank God for liberal doctors who prescribe Xanax with a minimum of fuss. I've been adding it to their cereal every morning just to keep them calm. I'm not sure that TSA would like if two horse-sized wolves terrorized the plane to Washington nor do I think they've got enough in their tranq guns to put them down for the count.

Mother of the Year award – not me.

I'm sure Emily, Rachel, Nessie – _hell_, probably even little Claire's got that title all wrapped up by now. I've had to survive on by my own wits and gumption for the past 15 years. There was no one there to hold my hand or show me the way, but I shouldn't complain because I choose this. I gave Fate the big middle finger and sailed off into the sunset – leaving the love of my life and the man who was my destiny behind – though the two were never one in the same. At one time, perhaps, but not any longer; I'd removed those rose-colored glasses long ago and realized there was a reason why fairytale romances didn't happen in real life.

How could you ever know if they had chosen you for you? Just because some cosmic bullshit threw you into their path – at what point did they have a choice? And that's what it was all about – _choice_. The scariest six letter word in the English language.


	2. Chapter 1: Plans

**The Twilight Series belongs to S. Meyer, no copyright infringement is intended. I'm just playing with the characters.**

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**Plan (verb) ****to devise or project the realization or achievement of**

If I truly thought back to when I'd begin my cycle of screwing myself over, it probably occurred before I was out of grade school. I was a girl who loved to plan. My mom said I'd been doing it since birth. It was like I inherently had the knowledge of what milestones I had to achieve and when they should be. Like clockwork I did just that. I walked, talked, smiled, and laughed at the exact moment in time when it was considered _"normal"_ development. Not too early where I'd be considered precocious nor too late where I'd cause my parents to worry.

While my friends loved to role play – with their Barbies, dolls, and each other. I was busy flipping through my mom's catalogs finding the perfect family. I'd search until I found all the members of my future – painstakingly cutting them out and pasting them in a scrapbook. I now realize it was a somewhat morbid fantasy album of my future. That perhaps, there had been something wrong with me – I guess it's something I should have discussed with that one therapist I saw a year after I left La Push – but that's not here nor there.

It was when I tried to find a woman – I say woman because I hoped someday to transform into this mystical creature – I could never find one that I truly felt comfortable claiming as the future me. All of them were too pretty; their hair too shiny, skin too smooth, and their teeth too straight and white. None of them were plain like me.

And why as a five or six year old was I concerned with my plainness? Possibly because my mom was always preaching about inner beauty – I now get she was trying to give me some type of life lesson, but I needed to know that I was just as pretty as the other girls.

"Kim," my mom would say in her alto voice while making dinner wearing a dress and heels. "Young girls now days are too concerned with what's on the outside. I've known some very beautiful people who were ugly on the inside. It's who you are that counts. St. Peter isn't going to care if you're wearing the most fashionable clothes or a cloth sack – he's going to look into your heart. That will tell him if you're worthy."

My dad was another matter, he'd always laugh at my mom's words then he'd reach over and tweak my pigtails. "Kim, honey – not every girl's meant to be the brightest star, but you'll always be my special girl."

Is it no wonder that I chased after my dream life? If I wasn't bringing any looks into the relationship then my husband damn well better. Else my future children would be the homeliest kids on the block.

So at the ripe old age of five I'd picked my dream man. Jared Cameron. I suppose at the time he couldn't be considered a man, any more than I could be considered a woman, but it was my fantasy and I'm controlling this train.

Don't even start humming along to Ozzy's Crazy Train – I may have been born in 1989 – but any American girl worth her salt knows about the Prince of Darkness.

How did I fall in love, you ask? Well, the same way any other girl does. It was a cold, but not wet day in La Push and it was also the first day of school. I had an Esmeralda backpack filled with brand-new school supplies; a single crisp notebook, several sharp pencils, an unopened box of crayons, and lastly markers which not only still had their caps, but weren't dried out either. The backpack and supplies – well, let's just say it's how I look at chocolate cake or fresh strawberry tarts today.

As I stood there, unsure of myself and not knowing a soul other than the teacher, Jared and Paul came barreling into the room and knocked my backpack out of my hands. The supplies I'd so carefully packed inside flew across the carpeted floor and at the same time I felt my lip tremble and my eyes sting with tears. My first day and I was already starting off on the wrong foot.

It was just like my cousin Jenny always said to me, "Kimmy, you're such a baby!"

That was her excuse for never playing with me during family get-togethers. My face flushed with embarrassment and I blinked furiously and forced away my urge to cry. Instead, I buried my face in my long dark hair as I crouched and began to pick up my supplies. I was saved, sort of, by our teacher, Miss Lacey. She'd seen everything.

Her voice curt, "Paul, Jared – help Kim pick up her things and then apologize. There will be plenty of time at recess for you boys to work on releasing all that energy."

"Yes, ma'am," the two boys replied.

It was as they helped me that I looked at Jared for the first time. His brown eyes shone with mirth, a grin tugged on his cheeks which revealed nearly identical dimples on each side and his white teeth stood out in stark contrast to his copper-colored skin.

"Sorry, Kim," he told me.

And with those two words, I fell in love. To this day, I don't remember if Paul apologized – it didn't matter because Jared was what consumed my thoughts that day. For once, I wished I was prettier or smarter, but maybe, just maybe if I was lucky he'd see the inner beauty my mom kept talking about.

It was that night when I began my search for dark haired, dimpled men for my scrapbook. I planned every detail of our lives. Our two-story house in La Push with two children – one boy and one girl; the boy was the spitting image of Jared while the girl would luck out and have his dimples and eyes which would be just enough to make the features that were mine look pretty.

I later learned he loved the outdoors and sports. He'd insist we have a dog. For one reason it was the perfect companion for our children and the other reason that it would protect our family if he ever needed to be away for the night. I'd never liked dogs, but I'd love our dog, Hunter and because Jared loved me – he'd bring home a calico cat from the pound. Our kids would insist the cat's name should be Patches and with that final addition – our family was complete.

It was a perfect and beautiful plan.


	3. Chapter 2: Waiting

******The Twilight Series belongs to S. Meyer, no copyright infringement is intended. I'm just playing with the characters.**

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**Wait (verb) to stay in place in expectation of**

Sometimes I felt like I'd been waiting forever. It was only a few months before my sixteenth birthday, but I had yet to experience the rights of being a teenager. I hadn't held hands, much less kissed a boy. My friends were the ones whose experiences I lived through. My best friends, Jessica Fallon and Bethany Littlesea – at least they were until the second pivotal moment in which I believe was my downfall.

Growing up, we'd been surrounded by boys. Whatever was in the water the year we'd been conceived; it ensured there were more boys than girls born. And strangely, we'd been born in spurts. Jared Cameron and Paul Lahote, the two October babies, I followed them in November and Jessica was born a few weeks later in early December. Jacob Black, Embry Call, and Quil Ateara rounded out January and February. Last, but not least, Bethany was born in March.

Thinking about it, probably the reason why the three of them were such good friends was because they'd been bonding since they were in the womb. I can almost see it – Joy, Sarah, and Tiffany's rounded bellies in a tight circle as they shared the gossip of the rez while the boys shared the gossip on the inside and their plans for world domination.

For the past 10 years, the eight of us had enjoyed and loathed our school years together in the same small class – the only thing that ever changed was the teachers. Even with all the sameness of it, surprisingly weren't a group of friends.

We'd found ways to form our own cliques. Jared and Paul had been friends since forever and they rarely spoke to any us, including Jake, Embry, or Quil. The three of us girls formed our own group and we tolerated Jake's pack of friends, but that was mostly because Jake had two older sisters at home and he didn't mind us. Embry and Quil simply followed Jake's lead – they probably still did.

Like every other day since I'd laid eyes on Jared, I struggled to focus on what the teacher was saying as my gaze was pulled to him. Over the years, he'd become more handsome – beautiful in a manly sort of way. The dimples I'd noticed all those years ago, gave him a youthful quality to his face. It was at that moment when I sighed loudly, imagining the feel of his full lips pressed against mine as his kissed me.

I've never been lucky and even if I was, I'd been caught, maybe not red-handed, but obviously my obsession hadn't gone unnoticed as Jake, Embry, and Paul snickered. That right there should have been a flashing neon sign telling me that my obsession was unhealthy or unnatural or plainly, unnoticed.

I could've pulled a Meg Ryan from _When Harry Met Sally_ and he'd still be clueless.

"Kim," Mr. Ford called, interrupting his lecture. "Do you have something you'd like to share with the group?"

With flaming cheeks, I silently prayed to each and every god I knew – even the ones I wasn't sure whether they were gods or names of automobiles – begging for the floor to open up and swallow me whole. It was awful. Like being caught with your hand in the cookie jar.

I'd love to say this was the one and only indignity I'd suffered from my _"regard"_ – that sounds a bit less crazy, doesn't it? – but it wasn't. It wasn't as awful as when my cousin found me talking to my pillow, pretending it was Jared. But this was definitely in the top 5 worst moments of my life.

The gods weren't home that day; my prayers were left unanswered. Or they got offended that I thought Ferrari was a god – how was I to know that it wasn't while Feronia was? Not that the goddess of abundance and fertility would have helped me out of the mess I'd created.

"No…no I don't," I mumbled and then proceeded to bury my face in my history book.

Looking back on it, I'd think I'd been waiting for the wrong thing. Or maybe, waiting wasn't what I should have done. This was one of the last times I got to be in charge of my own destiny as the next few years of my life would be ruled by tattered journals and stories old men had been told as they were bounced on their fathers' knees.

Had I opened my mouth, even once, would it have changed things? Or had the plan been set into motion even before we were born? Did our ancestors watch us from above playing with us like chess pieces on the game board we call life?

Instead, my fate was sealed with my inaction. The plans I'd made for my whole life included him, so when he was offered up on a silver platter – it wasn't something I was going to question. Not at first. The questions, doubts, and fears came much later.


	4. Chapter 3: Love

**********The Twilight Series belongs to S. Meyer, no copyright infringement is intended. I'm just playing with the characters.**

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**Love (noun) strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties; attraction based on sexual desire: affection and tenderness felt by lovers**

Some may say love is a many splendored thing – but the truth is those are just words to a song written by someone who's never truly known love. You can't know what love is until you've experienced the loss of it. Until you've held it in your hands and watched it crumble to dust. It's as difficult as trying to capture fireflies.

Love was something I was sure I knew – understood – felt. My parents loved me and me them. I loved my grandparents, my aunts and uncles, and even my cousins. But that is a completely different type of love. Even the love I have for my children is completely different from the love I had – _have, whatever_– towards my family.

Familial love, unconditional love, and romantic love – three very different notions of what seems to be a simple concept, only it's not. It's fraught with hidden dangers, surprises, and sometimes the most gut-wrenching pain. A pain you can't imagine. It tears you into a million pieces and even though you think you've picked them all up, glued and sutured them back together, you realize too late that there will always be holes, scars, and wounds.

If you don't take care they'll fester. I've seen evidence of it – Leah Clearwater. Probably the most beautiful girl in La Push – tribal royalty along with Rachel and Rebecca Black and it had happened to her. So, what was to stop it from happening to a plain girl like me?

_Nothing._

No one knew the shit fest which landed in La Push late spring 2005. By the time it started raining on everyone's parades, it was too late to stop it. The dice had been released, the bets were on the table, and our futures rested in the hands of Fate.

Don't get me wrong – Leah loved Sam and Sam loved Leah – but they would have never lasted through the test of time. Besides for her extraordinary beauty, she had brains and ambition and more than once I'd heard her say how she couldn't wait to get out of La Push and experience what life had to offer in the big world outside of our small community.

See, La Push is located on the edge of Washington and there are days it feels like it's the edge of the world. Storms frequently swell off the coast and during those times it seems our very existence could be washed out to sea. And would anyone notice that we were gone?

Sam Uley was the poster boy for the perfect young man and son. He was the type of boy who understood the word _"no"_, opened doors for you, helped old ladies cross the street, and could probably charm the hungry into giving their last tin of food to an even hungrier person. It was just who he was, who he'd been forced to become all because of the sins of his father Joshua Uley.

It was the baggage he carried with him and it influenced every decision he made, except for one. The day he broke Leah's heart, because Sam, the upstanding young man of La Push, wouldn't have done that on his own; he had help. Help in the form of three meddling old men, one of whom was Leah's own father. Old Quil Ateara, Billy Black, and Harry Clearwater – three men who I once believed had the answers to everything, but I realize now that they had no idea what they were doing. None of us did.

Leah festered – her soul burning and her wounds were visible to everyone's eyes. How could they not be? It wasn't just Sam breaking her heart – it was breaking her heart so he could shack up with her cousin. Emily Young. A woman I had once looked up to and used as my gauge to whether I was a good imprint or not.

_Let me tell you, there's no such thing as a good imprint. I know because I'm the worst of them all._

I never understood Leah in those early days when she joined the pack. She scared me. Her strength, beauty, wit, and intellect; it was like staring into the sun. Her temper was legendary, she gave it and they tossed it right back at her. Not once did they see the chinks in her armor, the bits of her bleeding soul. It was too late when I finally understood her pain. The damage was done and any friendship we may have shared together was lost in the winds of time.

I thought I loved Jared. I'd loved him for years. Those dimples and the twinkle in his eyes – I'd thought it was a special look just for me. It wasn't, it was who he was. I fell in love with an idea, an image, and a fantasy. In a way, I suppose Jake and I were alike.

After all, he'd done the same with Bella Swan. Though at least he'd been lucky enough to imprint on the spitting image of her; Renesmee was only moments old when it happened. Maybe all that time they had together, she'd turn out to be the fantasy he'd wanted with her mother.

_Fuck_, that sounds sick. I can't even begin to explain how I feel about imprinting, not yet.

So, when did the fantasy begin to tarnish? I'd love to say it happened right away, but if you know anything about me by now it's that I'm a planner. I never went outside without my rose-colored glasses. And on that fateful day after Jared's two week absence from school, it happened. All my waiting was finally over.

"Hey, umm…" Jared turned to me, a frown on his features.

I didn't realize it was because he'd forgotten my name. We'd been in the same class for years and when they did role call my name was right after his. My desk had always been near his – again another gift based on the fact our last names shared the same first letter.

Nor did I realize that he'd been gifted with the best sight of the pack. I'd later find out that he'd picked my name off the permission slip for an upcoming school trip, which was haphazardly stuffed into my backpack.

"…Kim, do you think I could borrow a pencil?"

I was flabbergasted. I'd been waiting for this moment. It felt like he'd asked me to marry him. Sucking in a few lungsful of air, I managed not to squeal with delight and calmly reached into my backpack and found the sharpest #2 pencil I had.

I hate #2 pencils with a passion now. My loathing of them turned my children into rebels as I refused to buy them. Instead their homework was done with pens, markers, crayons – hell, even colored pencils are okay. But it is an unspoken rule in our house that if a #2 pencil is found it will be tortured on sight. By torture, I mean broken into pieces and lit on fire.

"Sure, here you go," I smoothly replied, smiling at him softly as I handed the prized pencil over.

I heard his sharp intake of breath; I didn't need werewolf senses for that. Nor did I need them to see how his eyes suddenly widened, darkening with something I later realized was desire and finally, what sealed my fate – his smile which made those dimples appear. He looked at me like a blind man seeing the beauty of the world for the first time. I should have run but I think I've already established my festering preoccupation with said person.

FF_9072904_4 04/02/2013 11:15AM


	5. Chapter 4: Nightmares

**********The Twilight Series belongs to S. Meyer, no copyright infringement is intended. I'm just playing with the characters.**

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**Nightmare (noun) a frightening dream that usually awakens the sleeper**

It was no surprise to me when I was startled awake at 3 am. Thinking about the past had the ability to give me nightmares. Those first few months after I left La Push, I'd glanced over my shoulder as if I suspected someone to jump out from behind every hedge, lamp post, and parked car I passed.

As I laid there awake, I began to think about when I'd finally decided I had to leave. It was late spring; it's curious to think how spring changes things. It had been nearly two years since I'd first descended into the heights of my self-made heaven which subsequently became the depths of hell.

I was reminded of how every spring, we patiently wait for those first few signs of life to sprout forth from the brown dead earth. Those tiny green buds giving us hope that this year will be the best one yet.

I awoke that April day in 2009 with a sense of dread in my stomach. I could feel my insides twisting and churning as though all my sins were threatening to burst forth. Only it wasn't my sins – at least not literally – it was what I'd had for supper the night before.

I gripped the white porcelain bowl as if it was a life raft in stormy seas. Besides for #2 pencils, there's one other thing I hate and that's vomiting. To this day, each and every time I cast my accounts up, be it from bad takeout or one too many tequila shots with the girls after work, I cry like a baby. It's embarrassing to sob for your mother as though you're a child afraid of the dark when you're well into your thirties. I'd take a living nightmare over vomiting any day.

Once I felt like I could move I got ready for the day. I felt strangely better as the day passed and figured my earlier sickness – note that at this point I refuse to acknowledge it was _"morning sickness"_ – had an known culprit, the ham sandwich I'd had last night. Stupidly or naively I went about my day and helped out with _"imprint business."_

See, while the pack is busy protecting the people of La Push and Forks, we've got a duty too. Though our duty wasn't by any means glamorous, I pity any girl who envied us. We spent the day cooking, baking, mending, and scouring the paper for deals. Feeding a pack of werewolves isn't cheap and while they each receive a stipend from the tribe – it's not enough to pay for the costs of food, clothing, shelter, and other necessities. The pack worked, but mostly odd jobs in construction. It's too hard to hold down a 9 to 5 job when you might hear a howl signaling your assistance to help kill a vampire.

Between Emily, Rachel, Nessie, and me, we made sure the pack was clothed and fed. That the bed in Sam and Emily's guest room was always readied for someone who was too tired to make it home to their own bed. And lastly, Emily was able to work as an assistant teacher at the Forks Elementary school three days a week.

At any time I'm sure the Cullens would have gladly given us the funds we needed – and more – to maintain, survive, live. But it was a pride thing. The bloodsuckers had already taken so much from us – our innocence and futures. These were things money couldn't replace.

So, we all pitched in where we could. Those of us old enough worked whatever jobs we could. The children – _there was nothing else you could call them but that_ – who'd phased when the Volturi threatened our existence because of Nessie; they mowed lawns and babysat. Money that should be tucked away into college funds or in a jar with a tiny label proclaiming it _"Call of Duty #14 funds"_ was instead handed over to Sam or Emily.

The pack survived together because it must.

All the tasks which needed to be completed each and every day distracted me. It was too easy to hide behind the mundane things I did each day without complaint to realize something was amiss. I never saw the tsunami until it had already swept me out to sea.

For two weeks, I blamed my illness on stress, lack of sleep, and poor refrigeration. I told my parents something was wrong with it and they should have the repairman check it out. My mom opened the door and pointed to the thermometer in the center of it that I'd never noticed before.

"See, Kim – exactly 36 degrees. It's at the perfect temperature."

I'd seen a faint hint of zombie Bella. It was her late-zombie period, but I'd heard Jake talk about how bad she'd been when she first starting coming around to spend time with him. Just like I had with Leah, I suddenly understood how easy it'd been for Bella to shift into zombie-mode. You do the bare minimum needed to survive. Sure, people know something's up but they don't dare say a word to you for fear of pushing you over the edge. And I was standing on my tiptoes on the railing of a deck 20 stories in the air.

Exhilarating, heady, and scary as fuck all at the same time.

I'd always know I wasn't the perfect imprint – that was Emily's title. Her forgiving and motherly nature combined with the ruined façade of her face had her crowned before another imprint could even stand up to her measure. Even Leah – bitter, snarky bitch that she was – accepted it as fact. That's how messed up it all was.

Sure I could've fessed up. Hell, most of them suspected something was up. They knew I hadn't been giving it up to Jared, but it's one thing to be caught with your hand dipping into the cookie jar and another to have the empty jar in your hands with crumbs on your face. And I'd done so much more than sample a cookie or two.

My nightmare had only begun and if I didn't get the hell out of La Push it'd be never ending. Oh, sure they'd be eager to see what the next generation of potential protectors would be like, but I'd be subjecting a child to the same thing Embry Call had to deal with his whole life. This time it wouldn't take a rocket scientist to figure out _"who's the daddy."_ All they'd have to do is phase in and eventually the secret be out.

FF_9072904_5 04/02/2013 11:15AM


	6. Chapter 5: Time

**************The Twilight Series belongs to S. Meyer, no copyright infringement is intended. I'm just playing with the characters.**

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**Time (noun) the measured or measurable period during which an action, process, or condition exists or continues; a non-spatial continuum that is measured in terms of events which succeed one another from past through present to future**

Time, it is the enemy of all living things. My clock had been ticking for far too long and my carefully constructed house of cards was going to come tumbling down. I had no one to blame but myself. I'm willing to admit that much. But time is so infinite when you're young – the passing of it goes by without your notice.

We mark it off on a calendar, but from one day to the next you don't feel the change that occurs. It simply does. Invisibly, instinctively, and driven by unseen forces. Only now, I could see the changes day-to-day. I could feel them. Each passing minute was another grain of sand in my hourglass and it was too heavy for me to turn it over when it ran out.

Two weeks to the day I'd first felt sick I pulled my head out of my ass. And let me tell you the light was blinding. I didn't waste my time with one of those drug store tests because I knew without a doubt I'd second guess the answer and stick my head right back where it'd been. Next thing you know I'd complain of some back pain after gaining a few pounds and deliver the first pack child while pulling a pan of Emily's muffins from the oven.

I lucked out as Emily needed me to run to the Wal-Mart in Port Angeles – there was a special on frozen chicken breasts that was too good to pass up. It was the perfect excuse to bow out of imprint duties and go to the appointment I'd made at Planned Parenthood. I'd also have enough time that they wouldn't get suspicious either.

You know how stores have those _"limits"_ to their special sales? Well, we'd figured a way around it. Sure, all of us could get in the car and drive there, but that would mean things on the homestead wouldn't get done. All it took was a quick wardrobe change, the addition of some makeup or the removal and lastly, checking out in a different lane and always paying cash. No one was the wiser.

I remember that it was a Thursday, the same day of the week that I'd been born 19 odd years ago in November. And I thought of that old nursery rhyme used to help children remember the days of the week:

Monday's child is fair of face

Tuesday's child is full of grace,

Wednesday's child is full of woe

Thursday's child has far to go

Friday's child is loving and giving

Saturday's child works hard for a living

But the child who is born on the Sabbath Day

Is bonny and blithe and good and gay

There was my problem. If only I'd been born one day later and I'd be all the things I should be. Instead, I was doomed to a life of never reaching the finish line. Truth is, even after all these years, I'm still not sure where I'm supposed to be going or if I've arrived.

Either way, I drove to Port Angeles with my stomach hanging out of my ass. I made two trips through Wal-Mart to purchase the food Emily had instructed me to. Then I drove over to my appointment. I was 19, nearly 20 years old and because I wasn't in school and didn't have a real job – I also didn't have health insurance. I filled out the necessary forms, gave them my ID, and paid the upfront fee for my appointment.

I sat there in the waiting room perched on an ugly orange vinyl chair and fantasized that my illness would be nothing other than Ebola, cancer, or a figment of my imagination. But deep inside, I knew better. It was none of those things and I'd always believed in the importance of choice and I already knew what my choice was going to be.

"Kimberly Connweller."

The calling of my name jerked me from my thoughts and I followed a nurse back into the office. Along the way we stopped to get routine things like my height and weight. She also handed me a sterile cup and pointed out the bathroom, instructing me to leave the sample there and go to Exam Room 2 when I was done.

That's the funny thing about pregnancy. I'd always had a shy bladder – never was I able to go on demand. My parents would tell me to go before we left the house and 5 minutes down the road, I'd cry out that I had to go. This wasn't the case neither that day nor any of the days preceding it. Suddenly I always had to go.

After doing exactly as the nurse had instructed, I walked to the exam room. There she obtained the final few pieces of information. My vitals, medical history, and asked about my recent period and sexual activity.

I couldn't really say when my last period was. They'd always been irregular and I never kept track of them. I'd certainly not been on any birth control because Jared and I weren't having sex – I'd told my mom that when she suggested we make an appointment. Therein lays just one of many issues. You don't have to be having sex with the wolf that imprinted on you to get pregnant.

_Oops, my bad._

FF_9072904_6 04/03/2013 6:08AM


	7. Chapter 6: Torture

**************The Twilight Series belongs to S. Meyer, no copyright infringement is intended. I'm just playing with the characters.**

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**Torture (transitive verb) to cause intense suffering to**

I'd managed to fall back into a thankfully dreamless sleep, but was awoken too early by my name being shouted.

"Mom! Tell Alex to stop it!"

I rolled out of bed and padded my way to the where the disturbance was coming from. Our small house was a mess; half-packed boxes littered every room. The small room that we'd used as a place for the kids to study was crammed with things that were going to be donated. We had to finish packing today as the moving truck would be coming tomorrow and at the end of the week it'd be Goodwill to pick up the donations.

"Mom!" Quinn's voice screeched at the same time I heard the sharp crack of flesh against flesh.

"Alex, knock it off and apologize for hitting your sister this instant," I reprimanded them as I walked into the kitchen.

Maybe I'd been wasting my Xanax on the wrong people 'cause I could sure use its calming effects right now. The chaos of the house was even worse in the kitchen. It appeared my kids were hungry and with their increased appetites along with the impending move we were getting short on foodstuffs.

"Sorry, Q," he apologized, Lucky Charms and milk spilling out of his mouth onto the floor.

I really hoped the new owners didn't mind cleaning before they moved in. I just didn't have the time, energy, or motivation to even begin to try and give the house a good cleaning. And normally, I'd have the kids help, but I was already on their Top 10 list of least favorite people.

Scratch that I was _enemy #1_. All I was a lacking was a target over my head.

Quinn accepted her brother's apology by sticking her tongue out at him and then grabbing what I knew to be the last cinnamon roll. The same one I'd had my eyes on last night, but had been too tired to eat. It would have been the perfect addition to the black cup of coffee I was going to have.

These weren't kids – they were animals. But I loved them more than anything.

"Mom, do we really have to move to Washington," Quinn asked, her speech garbled as she hadn't bothered to swallow the huge bite of roll she'd taken.

"Yes, we do."

"But you hate Washington and there'll be nothing to do there," Alex complained.

"I never said I hated it there. I just like the sun better."

"Then why are we moving? All our friends are here, plus Nana and Phil," Quinn added.

I sighed, trying to think of a good way to explain why it was necessary to pack up and leave the only place they'd ever known. Their friends and the makeshift family I'd given them. I couldn't tell them the truth; for one thing they'd never believe me and I never talked about the life I'd left behind. For all I'd mentioned to them – it was as though I'd simply sprouted out of thin air at the same time they were born.

"Because we are and it's hard to explain. It's where I grew up and I think it's important for you both to know more about your heritage."

"Do they even have a baseball team there? I was gonna start playing on the JV team and coach said if I did well then next year I could try out for varsity."

"I'm sure they do, Alex. I've already got you both enrolled at Forks High. It's not a big school, but it's bigger than the tribal school," I explained.

"Mom," Quinn whined, drawing out the single syllable so it sounded like it was a dozen long. "If we're going there to learn about our heritage then why didn't you enroll us in the tribal school?"

How do you explain to your kids that no one knew of them and I didn't want anyone to know of them until after we had a chance to settle in? Not that they would have recognized our names, but I'd have to prove tribal membership and that meant I'd have to talk to the council. I wasn't doing that until I was good and ready.

"I think you're just trying to ruin our lives," my son huffed, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Yeah, what'd we do to deserve this torture," his sister seconded.

What'd they do? What'd I do? I wasn't up to facing my past, but sometimes you're not left with a lot of options. When life gives you lemons – squeeze them into people's eyes. Today I was squeezing them into my kids'.

"You can try and argue all you want – but we're going whether you like it or not. Make sure the things you want to take are packed by tonight. The movers will be here tomorrow and anything that doesn't fit into your suitcase will be donated."

They both rose nearly identical black brows at me, challenging me to make good on my threat. In the past, they'd always found a way around my edicts. It was impossible to resist when they ganged up on me, cajoling me to give in.

"I mean it. Don't test me on this – you'll regret it," I told them firmly before turning from the room. Coffee could wait, I needed the only alone time I got now days; a shower that would use every bit of hot water in the tank.

FF_9072904_7 04/03/2013 6:09AM


	8. Chapter 7: Slaughter

******************The Twilight Series belongs to S. Meyer, no copyright infringement is intended. I'm just playing with the characters.**

******************AN: I apologize for the delay I couldn't get my computer to connect to the internet and I thought it was my internet connection when it really was my computer. So, to make up for the absence of recent posts, I'm posting the next 3 chaps - Enjoy!**

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**Slaughter (transitive verb) to discredit, defeat, or demolish ****completely**

As I stood underneath the hot water, I felt myself being pulled back into my memories of the day my worst fears were confirmed. When the grey-haired female NP walked in, I knew without a doubt my urine sample had confirmed the event which would occur sometime within the next year. She didn't smile, but she didn't frown either. It was as though she understood her pronouncement was never met the same way twice.

She didn't say anything right away, instead she read over the information the nurse had written down. It seemed to take her hours to read the few sentences that were there. I didn't have much of a history, my vitals were normal – I was an otherwise normal and healthy teenager.

When she turned to me, my stomach finally dropped completely and ran out of the room. I'd find it sometime on my way out of the building. But I'd never be the same.

"Kimberly."

"Kim," I interrupted.

She nodded, smiling slightly; her way of acknowledging my request. "Kim, your urine test was positive, meaning you're pregnant. It looks like you told Janice that you weren't sure when your last menses was."

"No, I've always been irregular."

"That's not uncommon in someone your age, but it makes things a bit more difficult for us. Usually we use that date to gauge how far along you are. Without that piece of information, I'd like to do an ultrasound. It will give us an opportunity to find out your estimated due date that way you'll have time to decide what you want to do."

"I'm keeping it," I told her. There wasn't a doubt in my mind that this was what I'd be doing. I didn't know how it was going to work out, but I'd come up with the plan once I knew how long I had.

"Of course, everything is your decision. Why don't you hop up on the table over there and I'll do a quick physical exam and then the ultrasound."

I was grateful she didn't insist on a pelvic exam. She must have known I was scared out of my mind and that I couldn't take anything more that day. I jumped when she unzipped the top of my jeans.

"I'm sorry – I should have warned you. For the ultrasound I need to see your lower abdomen. The gel will feel cold and I'll have to put a little pressure so that I can get a good picture."

I nodded as words were failing me. This wasn't part of my plan. None of it had been. My beautiful, perfect future was gone. Smashed to smithereens by the arrival of the supernatural – Jared was the path that was picked for me, but I wanted another. Had chosen another and now I was like a lamb being led to slaughter.

The moment the cold gel touched my belly, I turned to watch the screen. This would be my first glimpse of my new future. I would no longer be making decisions for only me. Every choice I'd now make would have a direct effect on the tiny person I carried inside me.

The black screen was suddenly brought to life; a hazy white-grey half circle covered the screen before becoming two distinct black circles which each contained an alien-like image. I didn't understand what it meant not even when I heard a fast thrumming sound. My human ears couldn't pick out that it was two separate sounds pounding out a rhythm that was within beats of the other. The NP moved the wand around a bit more, every once in a while hitting a button on the keyboard before moving on.

Finally, she finished and wiped the gel from my belly. The sound of the machine's printer filled the silence. I sat up dazed, still not understanding the significance of the moment.

An eternity had passed before she turned to me. She held out the pictures she'd printed and my shaking hand reached for them. I stared at each image, trying to decipher them, she finally spoke.

"Kim," her voice soft, gentle almost. "You're definitely pregnant."

Coming to stand by my side, her finger pointed to the top picture as she explained, "There's two babies. This is what we'd call 'Baby A' and this is 'Baby B'. This dark line in the middle," she ran her finger across it. "This signifies that the babies are fraternal twins. They each have their own embryonic sac so they came from two separate eggs being fertilized. Do you have any questions?"

"No…yes…I don't know…" my response was barely above a whisper.

"I think you're between 8 and 12 weeks pregnant. It's trickier to tell with a twin gestation. I'd like to give you some information to take home and I'd like to see you again in 2 weeks just to see how everything is going."

Nodding, I went to hand the pictures back to her. I didn't know they were mine to keep until she told me so. I didn't know anything about pregnancy – I'd never known anyone who was pregnant. I'd been the youngest of my cousins and an only child. It seemed I had a lot to learn.

I never made it back it back to Wal-Mart for my final purchase. Instead, I sat in Sam's truck in the parking lot of Planned Parenthood and clutched the pictures and pamphlets I'd been given while I tried to figure out my plan. It would be late October, early November when they'd arrive. At the most I had 4 weeks until someone would notice. I could see the small changes in my body and it wouldn't be long before they were evident to everyone else.

FF_9072904_8 04/07/2013 6:40AM


	9. Chapter 8: Alliance

******************The Twilight Series belongs to S. Meyer, no copyright infringement is intended. I'm just playing with the characters.**

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**Alliance (noun) a bond or connection between families, states, parties, or individuals**

I found them talking quietly in Quinn's room. She'd been the neater of the two of them, so they gravitated toward her room. When they were much younger they seemed to have a secret language which I wasn't privy to. As they'd gotten older, it had changed to more silent communication with usually one of them speaking for them.

_I may not be mother of the year, but I wasn't the worst one either. _

I encouraged their individuality and opinions. I fostered the values of respect and politeness, instilling them with manners that had awed anyone we'd met. People had wondered how I'd managed to do it – raise two semi-decent kids as a single mother who had to work full-time.

It hadn't been easy, but I think all the time I spent as an imprint, helping run the scenes behind the pack and even the exposure I'd had to the supernatural made me realize what was important. They learned the meaning of the word "no" and that tantrums would get them nowhere. If you wanted something you had to work for it. Losing and winning were equal outcomes of anything. So, don't be a poor winner because someday you could be on the other side.

They both turned as I approached. Their conversation stopping as though I'd be able to hear what they were saying; they didn't realize how fine-tuned their senses already were. The fact their conversation stopped was more abnormal than if they'd just continued it.

"I'm sorry for earlier. I know that both of you don't want to move and part of me doesn't want to either. But sometimes in life we have to do things we don't want to. I can't explain all the reasons behind it right now. Please be patient with me and I promise that it will all make sense soon."

I can barely describe what it's like to be on the outside of a relationship between two people you've nurtured for over 14 years. I would always be their mother, but they had a special bond which I'd never be able to understand or be part of.

I wondered if this was what it was like for Leah and Seth. They'd been the only siblings in the pack – at least until the youngest ones had phased. Then both Brady and Collin's younger brothers had been added. Brady and Collin were barely teenagers themselves – mere babes in the woods – charged with the duty to protect the tribe.

A year younger than my two children; Brady and Collin weren't ready for it. My children either. Why was this happening? What had triggered their gene? We lived in Florida for fuck's sake. It was sunny 300+ days a year. A coven like the Cullens wasn't common and even if there was a nearby coven – I doubted they'd pick here to settle down.

First, there were the sunny days. They'd have to like hunting and doing things at night. Vampires didn't sleep, so what would they do all day? Then, there was the average age. Mid-thirties to early forties and that didn't include the population shift that occurred every winter as "snow birds" joined us from November to April. I couldn't be sure, but it seemed to me that the older a person was that their blood might not taste as well. I didn't think it was like aging a fine wine or cognac.

Lastly, there was my plain-old stubbornness that refused to believe the supernatural would follow me here. I knew I wasn't special by any means, but damn it, I thought I'd left this all behind. I hadn't spent $300 changing my last name to ensure the pack couldn't find me. It had been money I didn't really have at the time, but I'd spent it nonetheless.

They looked at each other and then back at me. Quinn answered for them like she did most of the time. Her habit of being their spokesperson was derived from her status as the elder sibling.

"We've decided... We'll give it a chance, but if we don't like it," she paused. "Then we'd like to be able to talk about it. We know that we won't have this house anymore, but maybe if it's really bad and we decide to leave we could stay with Nana and Phil for a while."

Alex nodded in agreement. It wasn't exactly what I'd wanted to hear, but it was a start. They'd reluctantly agreed to give the move a chance, which was better than nothing. I didn't want to have to make good on my threat and I probably never would've. It was too much to risk – the fine balance between maintaining my parental authority and keeping them phase-free until we reached Washington.

FF_9072904_9 04/07/2013 6:41AM


	10. Chapter 9: Natural

******************The Twilight Series belongs to S. Meyer, no copyright infringement is intended. I'm just playing with the characters.**

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**Natural (adjective) having a normal or usual character**

Hiding a secret from my children with their preternatural senses was hard. Just as it had been hard to act normal after I found out. It was too tempting to rest my hand on my slightly swelling belly – fear and joy coursing through my veins as I contemplated what the future would hold.

Somehow I did it, falling back into the routine of my life while I squired away what money I could. I lied to my dad and said I'd applied and been accepted to Peninsula College in Port Angeles. Told him I needed the money he and mom and saved for my education signed over to me. I'd always been responsible and trustworthy – so why would he doubt me now?

That's probably how I'd managed to build my house of cards so high. When you're quiet and unassuming, no one expects you to do anything other than what you're told. Sure, there was a crack or two, but none of them large enough for them to know who the real me was. Only one did and he'd never tell a soul about the fire and passion which burned inside me.

For over 3 years I'd managed to keep Jared at bay, telling him I wasn't ready. I had my supposed virginity on my side. After all, I'd been 15 when he'd imprinted on me. I wasn't like Emily or Rachel who had boyfriends in the past.

In the beginning, when I'd still had my blinders up. We'd kissed and held hands. We'd be each other's first, so there was never a desire to rush physical intimacy between us. It wasn't until after Nessie was born that I began to chafe at Fate's manacles.

First, it was Quil who had his future stalled by a toddler. Then Jake – the heir to the pack – future chief of the tribe – was suddenly tied down to an infant. We didn't know that she'd be a fast growing at first. The little bit the imprints heard didn't include that information.

I just kept thinking that Fate had it all wrong. How could it be right for Quil and Jake to have to watch their friends grow up and start families while they waited for their soul mates to grow up? And what did it mean for those of us who were already imprinted and our children? Were our future children simply vessels for the rest of the pack to imprint on – continuing the awful cycle of phasing for years?

It wasn't right. It was unnatural and it made me question everything we'd been told about the legends. Someone had it wrong. Somewhere they'd mistranslated a word and it had screwed up the entire story. Imprinting wasn't about a soul mate – it was about being a protector.

So, their job as our wolves was to protect us. Simple as that. It would have saved Leah from heartbreak. Rachel could have finished her degree. Emily wouldn't have to be the pack mother. And I, well, I could be with someone who knew my name and who I was.

They'd gotten it wrong. I was sure of it. And once those glasses were off, suddenly it didn't seem so fairytale-like anymore. Leah would forever be bitter, unsure of whether she'd ever get to be a mother. Jake would never have the girl of his dreams; instead he'd have the carbon-copy of her. And poor Emily, she'd have her ruined face forever. The stares of strangers had to burn holes into her every time she went out. Her sins were written on her flesh and Sam's spilled over into the side glances at Leah – his pained expression every time she struck out at the pack in anger.

Embry couldn't look at his friends without wondering if one of them was his brother. He was one of their fathers' dirty little secrets. Quil would be stuck as a teenager into his thirties – the same boy who'd flirt outrageously with any female, young or old, that crossed his path. Seth had to grow up in the space of days. Taking his father's place as the man of the house as held the family together.

Brady and Collin – they just needed to be kids. They shouldn't have to learn how to fight and kill vampires. Their days shouldn't be spent training and patrolling. Nor should they worry that someone would anger them and they'd scar the person for life.

It was so wrong. I began to hate Jared. If he'd never been born – I wouldn't be an imprint. Then I wouldn't have to live with the guilt by association as children, some as young as 10, phased to protect Jake's imprint. Seven more futures ruined by Fate's decree.

I pulled away from Jared, the imprints, and the pack after the battle. It was too much to bear at only 17 years old. This wasn't the happy-ever-after I'd imagined. They'd made it through the confrontation with the Volturi unscathed, but we'd all seen what could happen when Jake had been injured during the newborn battle which hadn't even been a year prior.

We'd all aged decades in barely 2 years. Our final few years before adult responsibilities had been stolen. The thieves arrived under the guise of eternal youth and everlasting love. Their promises false and assurances were riddled with lies. We'd tasted the forbidden fruit, opened Pandora's box, and now we'd all pay the price. The sins of a few had stripped us bare, leaving us exposed.

FF_9072904_10 06/07/2013 6:41AM


	11. Chapter 10: Memories

**********************The Twilight Series belongs to S. Meyer, no copyright infringement is intended. I'm just playing with the characters.**

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**Memory (noun) the power or process of reproducing or recalling what has been learned and retained especially through associative mechanisms**

Since then I'd catalogued my memories into three piles – Old Kim, Genuine Kim, and lastly, Adult Kim.

Old Kim believed in fairytales and made plans which included her perfect life and family. There wasn't a thought wasted as to how that future would be provided – it just would. There were no arguments or disagreements. Everyone was happy – their lives were full and they never wanted more.

Genuine Kim. She knew there wasn't such a thing as fairytales, but believed that she was in charge of her destiny. She could make decisions and those choices would be defined by her. She wouldn't let Fate tell her what to do. It was that Kim that found an unlikely person to vent to. Someone who'd seemed just as happy as every other person saddled with an imprint.

Quil's imprint was a toddler, barely out of diapers when he'd locked eyes with her, sealing their fates. He never spoke of it. Somehow or another his imprint was accepted as fact, considered to be just as sacred and special as all the others.

I didn't know until later that Sam had used his status as Alpha to peer into every nook and cranny in Quil's mind. Emily had demanded it, an assurance to make sure everything was right as rain because it was the first child imprint recorded.

It was another clue which I hadn't grasped until much later. If imprinting was truly about a sexual relationship – mates – producing better and stronger wolves then why were children selected?

Obviously Nessie needed an imprint. Sam's pack was out for blood and even though it would have killed him to do so, Sam would maim or kill Leah and Seth to get to Nessie. Jake's imprint was the only thing which stopped Sam's pack from doing it.

Each and every one of them would have fought to the death – Sam's Alpha order would have ensured Embry and Quil's qualms about attacking their best friend were for naught. Jared and Paul, I think they'd have felt horrible about doing it, but they'd been with Sam from the beginning and trusted his leadership and judgment.

If Bella and what was growing inside her was dangerous and needed to be destroyed; then it would.

Brady and Collin, I don't even want to think what it would've been like for those two. The only fighting they'd been involved in was sparring with the pack. They hadn't chased or fought a single vampire. To go from no actual combat to killing – and not just your _"enemies"_ but your pack brothers and sister – they'd be on the fast track to PTSD.

It was barely months after we'd lucked out with the Volturi running back to Italy with their capes between their legs. Claire was a common addition to Sam and Emily's house – I still wondered how Emily had managed to convince Sean and Elizabeth to let her spend nearly every weekend in La Push. Even though she was a toddler, they both suffered from the effects of separation.

For Quil, it was the desire to ensure Claire's happiness and safety. I don't know what it was for Claire – maybe it was the fact Quil was the big brother she didn't have or the only _"big person"_ who met her on her level. I could see the appeal to have someone who seemed so old and wise, playing hide-and-seek or princess with you. And whatever Claire wanted, Quil delivered. It was no different than Sam with Emily, Paul with Rachel, and even Jared with me.

My vision had finally cleared, the stars gone from my eyes. The real world I'd been thrust into was dark, riddled with danger and monsters were waiting to strike around every corner. Thinking back, it probably didn't help that Nessie would be _"mature"_ in 7 years. The one thing that Quil and Jake could have bonded over, perhaps taken on together was just as quickly snatched away.

In less than a decade, Jake would be where Sam and Emily were now, thinking about starting a family. Paul and Rachel had been talking about it and Rachel only resisted because she wanted Paul to see life outside the reservation first. Then she was all for settling into life in La Push, popping out a few pups, and helping her dad out however they could.

It was assumed Jared and I would be taking some steps to closer intimacy soon. We were in our junior year of high school and had technically been together for over a year and according to some – phasing into a werewolf gave you a good steady increase in hormones. It was only his need to be and do whatever I asked that probably kept him from pressuring me.

But Quil, he'd be still waiting while Claire experienced her first teenage crush, first kiss, and first heartbreak. Who knows if she'd even want to hang out with him like she did now? Likely she'd go through the same stage all girls did – when everyone was the enemy as they tried to tell you what to do, but you thought you knew everything. Parents, siblings, and even best friends had been put on this Earth to irritate the living crap out of you.

Quinn had started that stage at 10 and only now at 14 was she beginning to resemble the human child I'd given birth to. It had been a hellish 4 years for me and her brother. One moment we were everything to her and in the next we were oppressing her – making her life miserable. Alex had even gone through something similar though not on the level of his sister.

My feelings toward Quil started out as pity – horrible, but the truth. It wasn't until we began to talk and share that I realized he felt just as trapped as I did. The weight placed on his shoulders was much heavier than mine and he had obligations which couldn't be ignored.

He bared his soul to me and I did the same. I know without a doubt that he never revealed what I told him and how he'd managed to keep it from the pack – I'd never know. Maybe had Sam not done what he did when Quil first imprinted; he'd have remained the open book he'd always been. But once you knew someone could rip your deepest and darkest secrets from your soul – you learned to hide them. Burying them beneath smiling and joking smokescreens which distracted anyone who looked closer from seeing the truth.

I'd done it. Because for all those memories which I tucked into the Genuine Kim pile – only two people knew who the real me was. Quil and myself. It was just one of our many shared secrets.

FF_9072904_11 04/08/2013 9:52AM


	12. Chapter 11: Order

**********************The Twilight Series belongs to S. Meyer, no copyright infringement is intended. I'm just playing with the characters.**

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**Order (transitive verb) to give an order to: command**

I'd made some half-assed plans and there were only 10 days remaining in my self-imposed month to get my shit together. It was getting too close for comfort. I didn't know when exactly they'd be able to tell, but I wasn't going to push my luck. I was nearing the end of my first trimester.

The NP still hadn't been able to put a good date on when I was due, but she'd given me November 10th. It was mid-May and time was speeding up. Those small changes I'd noticed – well, they felt like they were big changes now.

My breasts were sore constantly and I added nearly 2 cups to my bra size. My pants required endless amounts of jumping to get my ass and hips in them. I didn't even bother buttoning them anymore because it was too painful to have the pressure on my stomach. I'd never been grateful as I was now for the crappy weather of northwestern Washington. No one noticed or cared that I wore long sleeves or sweatshirts. If you weren't a wolf or cuddling with one at all times; that was the dress code.

I'd also finally stopped tossing up my accounts every morning and was continually hungry. My appetite reviled that of the younger wolves. I even had that _"glow"_ people talk about it. Everyone asked what I'd been doing differently. For once my hair shone and my skin was flawless. Nurturing instincts kicked in as I found ways to connect with the youngest members of the pack. Homework help, baking them cookies, and ruffling their hair while giving them praise.

It was official, my time had run out and while I had $3,000 – I knew it wouldn't last me long, not with 2 babies on the way. I needed more concrete plans then just leaving La Push. And I needed to ensure that I was far enough away that none of them would come looking for me. As much as Quil deserved to know – I couldn't subject him to the anger of the pack.

He'd broken their sacred rules, daring to covet something that wasn't his. It wouldn't matter that I'd been right there making the decisions too. It would be about how he couldn't be trusted with his brother's mate. Nor could I face subjecting myself or my children to live with the side glances; the secret shame and dishonor I'd brought on the 3 of us because I was young and stupid.

And Jared, as much I hated how everything had played out. He didn't deserve to be saddled with a cheating imprint. A soul mate that refused his advances, love, and devotion and instead willingly choose another; laughing in the face of Fate. I'd fucked up, royally so and the only option left was to leave.

I wasn't stupid enough to think that my leaving wouldn't be just as traumatic as it would have been to stay and face the consequences. But wasn't it better for Jared to be the wolf whose imprint couldn't take dealing with the supernatural anymore. The imprint that wanted more out of life than for him to be the one whose soul mate trampled his heart.

It wasn't his fault that I'd been chosen for him. Maybe if we'd met and gotten to know each other under normal circumstances he'd love me like I needed to be loved. Not because he was required to by forces beyond his control.

Sam and Emily, the elders, and the handed-down stories had told him what his duty was to me. None of it had suggested there was another choice, a better option for all those involved. We'd been too young and naïve to question. We'd allowed the elders to tell us the answers and even when there was doubt – they'd explain in their solemn voices that we were to accept the way things were, the spirits of our ancestors would guide us, and by doing these things we were fulfilling our duties.

Seven days left. I'd marked the day on the calendar. I planned to go somewhere warm and sunny. The complete opposite of La Push. The supernatural would not follow me – I wouldn't allow it.

I had 2 bags packed in my closet. In the top drawer of my dresser there was a manila envelope, which had my birth certificate, social security card, and high school diploma and sealed transcript. I didn't know if I'd get an opportunity to go to college, but the last thing I wanted to have to do was obtain this information after I'd left.

I was aware of the resources we had at hand. While the pack spared no love for the Cullens, they were accepted because they were Nessie's family and Nessie was Jake's future. It was why I had to think of the last place they'd ever think of looking for me. The last name they'd try and find me under. I couldn't know whether after I'd left if mine and Quil's relationship would be exposed.

The curious glances of the pack had begun to gravitate more toward me. Whether I noticed it more now because I was pulling away and soon to be an outsider or they knew what I'd been up to – I'd never know. One person in particular had turned their steely gaze my way and I avoided him at all costs, but he had wolf senses on his side.

Six days. It was another milestone in our lives. Seth was turning 18 and according to the rest of the world that meant he was a man. Only the world didn't know that he'd been one since he phased at 15 along with his sister in the Clearwater living room. The very same day his father died and left him in charge; his childhood stolen in a single day and not even with any pretense like everything else we'd been force-fed.

Somehow, Sam managed to corner me. He stood before me in all his Alpha glory, power radiating off of him that I as a mere mortal had no choice but to bow to his commands. My spine stiffened, pulled by invisible strings as I faced him though my gaze couldn't meet his equally. He was the dominant in this relationship – in all his relationships except for with Jake. I was nothing other than a lowly, misbehaving imprint that needed to be told her place.

"Kim," he barked. "I know."

My heart thundered, but I didn't say a single word. His pronouncement didn't mean it was my turn to speak. It was him reminding me who was in charge – who made the rules – who enforced them.

"It will end immediately. I don't want to have to use an order – it would cause more questions. I can't begin to understand how difficult it is for any of you – to be so young and deal with this, but your behavior and decisions affect the pack. I will not allow another incident to tear the pack into two."

He walked away without another word to me. He didn't care what my answer was because in the past, I'd always followed the rules. He didn't realize how much larger my transgression was or that I'd already made plans of my own.

FF_9072904_12 04/08/2013 9:57AM


	13. Chapter 12: Stranger

**************************The Twilight Series belongs to S. Meyer, no copyright infringement is intended. I'm just playing with the characters.**

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**Stranger (noun) a person or thing that is unknown or with whom one is unacquainted**

At 4 days, I had a revelation. There was only one place they'd never come to look for me. There was one person that I could appeal to help me. They may be a complete stranger and I'd be the same to them, but maybe they'd understand what it was like to be young and to feel trapped by small town life and a future that wasn't one you'd dreamed of.

I'd appeal to her memories. Her daughter had more or less abandoned her, choosing her happy-ever-after with the supernatural. I'm sure there was the temptation to pull her into the fold, but it was troubled with worries if and when the Volturi would return. What they might see in someone's memories and how they'd react to it.

We would be stupid to think they'd never come back for revenge. They were biding their time, most likely enhancing their forces by finding new and more powerful vampires. And the Cullens – they'd stupidly given the Volturi the biggest secret of all – how to create a half-breed child.

It wouldn't be until Nessie was old enough or until they had one of their own that was old enough. But they had to be curious whether the half-vampire would someday be able to carry a child. The implications of it were chilling. While Nessie had the Cullens along with Jake's influence to ensure she was good - what would be the outcome if the Volturi produced their own?

It wouldn't just stop at seeing if they'd be able to control their bloodlust long enough to impregnate a human; no, they'd want to see if the result could bear fruit. And not just any, but the fruit of a half-vampire woman and a vampire man; it could potentially cast out all the flaws Nessie had as a result of her human-side.

So, I purchased my plane ticket; one-way all the way to Jacksonville, Florida. I'd looked up Renee Dwyer's address, writing it down on a piece of paper and sticking it into my wallet. Then, I'd found a motel near her home. I'd need a few days to prepare myself and do the last few things on my list. Finally, I'd go to her home and give her my story.

I couldn't tell her everything. And it'd be filled with half-truths and white lies. But I didn't have enough resources to do it on my own. I needed a safe landing place. Somewhere I'd be able to catch my breath, get a job, find a place to live, and begin living my new life.

Surprisingly, Renee had welcomed me with open arms. Accepting me as a friend of her daughter's who'd gotten into trouble. Who didn't have anywhere else to go.

Her kindness made me cringe every time I spoke a mistruth, so it was without surprise that I gave into her unselfish desires. Bella called Renee at the most once every 3 months. Charlie refused to answer Renee's questions about what was going on with their daughter – why she never visited and why Renee couldn't. Renee was at her breaking point. She loved her daughter, missed her, and longed for a relationship with her.

And we talked, she confessed her secrets. She knew she wasn't the best mother. Knew that Bella had taken on adult responsibilities at a young age because Renee had always been searching for something that she couldn't find – she didn't realize she had it all along. Not until her daughter was essentially dead, only there wasn't a funeral to give her any closure.

Unwittingly, I slipped into that missing piece of Renee's life – Phil's too. Quinn and Alex were the icing on the cake. It was something Renee realized she'd never get to have with her own daughter. Something that she and Phil could no longer have because she couldn't tell Bella that she'd had a cancer scare two years prior. One that left her with a hole where her womb once was; we were all they had and they were all we had.

Nana and Phil. Nana because Quinn and Alex couldn't say Nee – it was what she'd wanted the kids to call her. Their tiny mouths couldn't form the syllable. It morphed into _"Naw"_ which became Nana. It was another thing I'd learned. Babies don't suddenly learn how to pronounce words.

Instead, they started off with repetitive sounds. _"Naw"_ was Na-Na. And it stuck. Renee started calling herself it and by the time the twins could have spoken Nee correctly, she'd already been Nana for too long.

Even though I couldn't tell her the whole story and my early lies branded my soul – I love her. A stranger who became my savior – my mother – my sister – my best friend – my everything. I'd be forever grateful to her and Phil.

My children and I wouldn't be where we are today without her. I'd like to believe I atoned for my sins by recompensing for Bella's choices. The phone calls got further and further apart until one day they stopped. Renee no longer cared. It didn't matter because we'd crammed ourselves into the gap of her heart left by Bella, grabbing the torn edges and healing the wound.

FF_9072904_13 04/09/2013 7:49PM


	14. Chapter 13: Pretense

**************************The Twilight Series belongs to S. Meyer, no copyright infringement is intended. I'm just playing with the characters.**

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**Pretense (noun) make-believe; fiction**

The following day, the movers arrived along with Renee and Phil. Phil and Alex helped disassemble the last few pieces of furniture. Our beds for the next week were going to be air mattresses that we normally used for camping. I'd decided to leave them with Renee.

When I'd first moved to Jacksonville, she and Phil had a large 3 bedroom house near the beach, but now that she was in her late 50's and Phil was nearly 50, they'd moved to a smaller house. Still by the beach but it was less upkeep and would allow them to travel like they planned to once they retired. Phil no longer played baseball, but had at Renee's urging went back to school and was a high school gym teacher and coach for several different sports throughout the year.

Renee helped me pack up the final things that I wanted to bring to the new house. Dishes, glasses, flatware, and pots and pans were all things I could easily replace. The last thing I wanted was to switch our mostly healthy diet to one of takeout for the next week. They'd be donated along with other things we'd decided we didn't need.

"Phil and I decided we'll come and straighten things up a bit after you guys leave," she remarked.

"You don't have to do that. The new owners can."

"I know they can, but I know it bothers you that you'll be leaving it a mess. I remember leaving Forks with Bella, but we didn't have a lifetime of things to sort through. For the most part, we left with our clothes and some personal mementos. I didn't feel comfortable taking things that were Charlie's or gifts from his family."

Reaching over, I placed my hand on top of hers. I'd known her for so long that it was the message behind her words that was important. She was worried that once we left that things would change. The relationship we'd developed would disappear. I cursed Bella Swan-Cullen for the choices she'd made. Her mother deserved better. The wound I'd thought we'd healed; it still had a few gaps to it. Today they were more visible than other days.

"Renee, you don't have to do that. I promise you'll still be part of the kids' lives, my life. You've been like a mom to me and so much more. I'll never be able to thank you for the things you and Phil have done for us. This isn't goodbye, because we'll see you soon. I've already got a summer visit planned," I paused, words failing me as I struggled with the final lie I hoped I'd ever have to tell her.

"I'm just starting to realize how important it is for Quinn and Alex to learn a bit about their heritage. It was when I was around their age that it became important to me and I don't want them to question where they came from."

She turned her hand, holding mine and giving it a gentle squeeze. "I know. It's just…I don't know what we'd have done without you and the kids all those years ago. Bella…"

"You don't even have to say it. I already know."

She was in my arms within seconds. Her silent tears turned into soft sobs. It wasn't completely my fault why she felt this way. Yes, we were leaving, but she didn't know that come hell or high water, we'd keep our end of the bargain. Bella hadn't. It had been at least 10 years since she'd last talked to her daughter. Had I not asked her for one other favor – it would've been the same amount of time too since she talked to Charlie.

We'd lived 15 years with a pretense between the two of us. There were things she knew I couldn't tell her. Things I was sure she knew that I'd stretched the truth about. Thank goodness, Bella didn't care and never listened to her mom. The one and only time I'd heard Renee mention my name, there was no reaction on Bella's part. She'd simply told Renee how wonderful things were with Edward and how they were planning a second honeymoon trip that fall in Europe.

Her tears slowed as I continued to hug her, my hand moving in soothing circles on her back. How I wanted to stay in that moment. I didn't want to leave. I worried that we'd get caught up in the bullshit of the supernatural and we'd leave her behind just like Bella had. I vowed to not let that happen.

She pulled away and I handed her a towel to wipe her eyes. Laughing she remarked, "I told myself I wasn't going to cry."

"I've been telling myself that too. I'm sure it'll get worse as the week goes by."

"The kids have gotten awfully tall in the last few weeks. What have you been feeding them," she asked.

I turned and looked at Quinn and Alex. Quinn was nearly my height 5'7" and Alex towered over me by 2 inches. Quil had been an inch or two over 6 feet, so I wasn't surprised by Alex's height. They'd also lost some of the childish roundness to their faces. Alex's jawline was more prominent and his cheek bones more structured. Quinn was going to be a heartbreaker. Her strong jawline was balanced out by her full lips. She had an ability to look innocent and sultry all at the same time. Every one of the recent changes was due to the wolf gene which lingered in their blood.

"You know them, they'll eat anything I put in front of them," I joked.

"Humph, I seem to remember how Seth Clearwater was larger than life at Bella's wedding and he was only a year or so older than them."

"Most of the kids on the rez went through a similar grow spurt about this age," I fibbed.

"Sure," she agreed, her face disbelieving.

Despite this, she didn't push the issue further. It was like I'd said. We'd lived with a pretense – many of them for years. We each knew where they were and stepped around them like a soldier avoiding land mines. There was no point in ruining the fantasy we'd created for ourselves.

FF_9072904_14 04/09/2013 7:54PM


	15. Chapter 14: Pawns

******************************The Twilight Series belongs to S. Meyer, no copyright infringement is intended. I'm just playing with the characters.**

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**Pawn (noun) one that can be used to further the purposes of another**

It was that first talk Quil and I had, which suddenly made me realize that we were mere pawns in an elaborate game of chess. Sure, the elders cared about us and some of what they told us was right. But there was a lot that was wrong and that's what made it so awful.

I lied when I said Jared and I had never gone further than kissing. We did, once. It was horrible. It was the night of his 17th birthday and I felt it was something that we should do. I wasn't completely ready, but it seemed to be the right step for us to take.

After all, Emily and Sam along with Paul and Rachel had taken their relationships to this level. I was an imprint, he was my wolf – we were soul mates.

_Wasn't this what soul mates did?_

It wasn't the romantic fantasy I'd imagined it to be. I'd expected some discomfort, but it felt like he had torn me into two. Then there was the blood. This wasn't some 19th century romance novel where the virginal heroine posing as a prostitute is found out. That wasn't supposed to happen.

It wasn't just for a single day either – the soreness and spotting lasting for 3 days. I chalked it up to the fact we just needed practice. Things would work themselves out in the end. It was the first time those rose-colored glasses had begun to tarnish.

I knew Paul had his fair share of experience. Sam had been with Leah before Emily. And both Rachel and Emily weren't virgins when they met their wolves so shouldn't some of that experience rub off on Jared? I knew they thought about it.

In the beginning Leah was always bitching at Sam for flinging memories of Emily in her face while they were phased. I'd overheard Embry and Quil complain that Sam too quickly locked down his thoughts of Leah now that she was part of the pack. That meant he'd thought of her and their times together – Paul was banging a different girl each week and I doubt he cared if he shared his experiences with the pack.

We didn't try again. We went back to what we'd been before. It was comfortable. Then the Volturi came and I found Quil sitting on First Beach. The look on his face – utter dejection and defeat – it tore me up inside. Once I knew the reason for it, I was angry. Angry at the spirits, the elders, the pack and even myself, because I'd naively accepted this to be the truth.

If one of us would have spoken up and protested. Suggested a different way, then he wouldn't be trapped. He wouldn't have to give into the demands of his grandfather.

He couldn't say _"no"_ to the old man who'd become a father to him after his own had died. His father was Old Quil's only child. Old Quil had no one now, save his grandson and son's wife. He'd buried his son and wife long before anyone should have to.

Just like I'd been unable to say _"no"_ to the dimpled boy I'd loved for years. Nor could I face disappointing the elders. Being an imprint was an honor. I should be grateful that the spirits had chosen me as the future of the tribe rested in my hands.

"Stupid, stupid, stupid," Quil muttered as he flung rocks into the ocean.

I approached cautiously, unsure of my welcome. It didn't matter how quiet I was, his senses had already detected me. Without turning, he greeted me. His voice filled with false cheer and I'm sure there was a similar smile to go with it.

"Hey, Quil. What are you doing here? I thought you and Jake had plans?"

He snorted, angrily replying, "We did until Nessie decided she **_needed_** to go hunting for the third time this week."

"I'm sorry," I told him. The words inadequate to even begin to ease the pain he must be feeling.

I'd watched their friendship go through difficult times. It was hard to believe that it had been barely over a year ago when Embry first phased. Poor Jake and Quil, they didn't know what happened. One day Embry was their friend and the next, he wanted nothing to do with them. He'd joined Sam's gang and they thought he was lost to them forever.

I'd done the same thing with my friends, Bethany and Jessica. We'd been friends since kindergarten and suddenly I had a secret I couldn't share with them. My new life was all I cared about. I'd gotten the boy and I was in on the secrets, so I didn't need them anymore.

Quil had it the worst though. He had to watch first Embry and then Jake pull away from him. I wondered if Sam had been thinking clearly when he'd chosen to let nature takes its course. They hoped Quil wouldn't phase, but even I could see the trembling of his limbs, the animal-like expressions and sounds which came with the slightest irritation.

_Why did Sam let Quil suffer? Why didn't he just take him out into the woods and make it happen?_

Like I said, we were all pawns. The players were the adults who were supposed to protect us. Instead, they'd been the ones to pull the wool over our eyes and whisper promises in our ears. We believed them because we had no reason to suspect they'd be the ones to harm us the most.

FF_9072904_15 04/12/2013 11:06PM


	16. Chapter 15: Death

******************************The Twilight Series belongs to S. Meyer, no copyright infringement is intended. I'm just playing with the characters.**

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**Death (noun) a cause of ruin**

There were many parts to life. I'd learned that soon after becoming an imprint. Emily's injury had opened my eyes as I realized even the young and beautiful could be hurt. Harry's death reminded me that our time was limited.

Even the walking dead, vampires, could have their existence ended. Granted it took the massive jaws and razor-sharp claws of a Quileute wolf, but it was possible. Nothing was safe from death. It still didn't stop us from becoming jaded by the things we'd experienced; some of us more than others.

Quil had seemed so happy with Claire. The imprint was the final string which tied him to La Push, to the traditions, and to the pack. He was part of the lucky few who'd get to know what true love was like. How having a soul mate would make your life complete. The rest of the wolves were doomed to walk this Earth without ever knowing the completeness an imprint would give them.

_What a crock of shit it all was! _

Leah was beautiful, smart, and strong – she was the first female wolf in our history – yet, she wasn't an imprint or hadn't imprinted on anyone. Shouldn't she have been the first pick?

Quil's blinders were torn off the moment he realized he'd be alone, waiting over a decade for his soul mate to grow up. He'd never get to experience a relationship, sex, love, lust – none of it. The elders made it seem like any of that with someone other than your imprint would be unsatisfying, wrong, and unfulfilling.

_Boy, were they ever wrong._

"It'd have been better if we fought them," he told me out of nowhere. "Better if I died."

His statement was so clear and without restraint. I instantly knew he wasn't joking. Even when Jake had been obsessed with Bella, he'd never seemed to be teetering on the edge like Quil was today. If Jake hurt himself, it'd be because he'd fought Edward – not that he'd been suicidal.

Granted, some would argue that Jake and Bella were the poster kids for how not to approach a relationship.

Whether Edward had dazzled or seduced her, it was a moot point. She probably wouldn't have forgotten him. Maybe in time she could have moved on and had some type of future with Jake, but the threat of imprinting would be around every corner. And Jake, he'd thought he could force an imprint.

The spirits weren't that generous. Look at me, I'd wanted Jared forever and he hadn't even noticed me until that day. Maybe that was the secret key to an imprint – you had to want the wolf to imprint on you. I'd wanted Jared and so therefore he was mine. Bella didn't know what she wanted or wasn't sure; her heart had been ripped from her chest with Edward's leaving and her soul was held together with papier-mâché and the hope he'd return to her arms.

"How can you think that?" I'd managed to choke out.

Where was the number for suicidal werewolves when you needed it? Where was someone who was better equipped to deal with this? Emily? Rachel? Even Sam would be better than I'd be. I was living my dream and everything was rosy in my little world – at least that's what I kept telling myself.

"Why can't I?" he retorted angrily. His eyes black with rage as he turned and pinned me in place.

"Because…because…"

"This is an honor! I should be grateful that the spirits have chosen this exalted path for me. It skipped my grandfather's generation and my father's. Hell, maybe he'd still be alive if he'd been a wolf. Surely he could have swum to shore then," he finished for me.

"I'm sorry."

"Sorry? Not as sorry as me," he replied with a caustic laugh.

His anger reminded me of Paul. Paul had been angry at everyone and everything. His one and only chance to leave La Push was ruined by his phasing. His parents had divorced just before he turned five. It was the reason they'd moved back to La Push – his dad and him. His mother wanted nothing to do with the son she bore. Never called or wrote – nothing.

I swallowed nervously, wanting to help him, needing to make him feel better but not knowing how. I used honesty. It was the only thing I had in my arsenal.

"I don't know what to say, but I wish none of this had happened. I wish I could go back and change that moment in time," I confessed softly.

He turned to me, looking for the truth of my statement. He didn't need to, he could already tell because he'd be able to sense a lie. They all could. We were the keeper of secrets, but even our secrets weren't safe from each other.

He didn't say a word and I found words weren't always needed. His hand reached over, resting on mine. The weight and heat of it felt right. It was something I'd been missing. Something I'd been searching for. With one simple touch things had changed that day and the rose-colored vision I'd clung to fell away.

This was what I'd been trying to find – the pivotal moment which allowed me to begin to build my flimsy card house. If only I'd run or turned away – said something, stopped it, but I didn't and in that moment my fate had been sealed. The death of Old Kim had welcomed the birth of the future me – the woman I would become.

FF_9072904_16 04/12/2013 11:12AM


	17. Chapter 16: Laugh

**********************************The Twilight Series belongs to S. Meyer, no copyright infringement is intended. I'm just playing with the characters.**

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**Laugh (verb) to find amusement or pleasure in something**

Our last night in Jacksonville was bittersweet. I'd sold my car and Charlie had been nice enough to check out a few I'd thought about buying from a dealership in Port Angeles. Each one had been a good car, but Charlie suggested the SUV as it had the lowest miles and only had one owner. It also came with all-wheel drive which would be nice to have with the bipolar weather of Northwestern Washington.

Renee and Phil took us out to dinner. It was nothing fancy, just Applebee's, but being out in public kept Renee's and my tears at bay. The event was catalogued with a camera as though these would be our final ones together. I continued to reinforce the promise I'd made to Renee, to myself, and to my children. This wasn't a forever goodbye – we'd be back.

After dinner and dessert, we went back to their house. The air mattresses were blown up and the 5 of us laid out on them in the backyard. The kids pointing out the constellations they knew. While I struggled to tell some of the stories of our tribe; the stories Quinn and Alex would soon know the truth of.

"Q'waeti' had journeyed all over the land and set people to right, telling them how they were to live. He is the one who gave the beaver his tail and deer their antlers. When he came to our lands, there were no people only 2 wolves. He transformed the wolves into people and this is why the wolf is sacred to Quileute. We are strong because we have the spirit of our wolf ancestors in us," I told them, leaving out the story of Taha Aki and the spirit warriors as I knew this was best told by Billy or another elder.

"I think you'll love to learn the stories of your people," Renee said encouragingly as she tried to get the twins to see this was going to be an exciting adventure. "I remember when I first met Charlie and we went to a few bonfires on First Beach. Then, it was William, Charles, Peter, and Quil Senior who told the stories. I suppose now it might even be Jake telling them now."

I couldn't help it, but I laughed out loud. It was so strange to think that now we were the adults. The same thing the elders had been when we were mere children. I couldn't imagine Jake, Embry, Quil, Seth, or any of the pack that had been my age or younger as adults. To me, they were frozen in time as teenagers.

"What's so funny?" Phil asked.

My eyes twinkled as I responded, "I'm just imagining how the future of the tribe is in the hands of the same kids who used to make mud pies with Bella when she'd visit in the summer and then argued nonstop about which superhero was better."

"Time moves whether you want it to or not, doesn't it," Renee said softly as she lay on her side and ran her fingers through Quinn's hair.

I was transported back into the past with her. They'd been the most beautiful babies I'd ever set my eyes on. Yes, they were red-faced, half-bald with scrunched faces and had a never-ending cycle of eating, pooping, and crying. But there were those moments when they were quiet and their eyes seemed so clear – they looked at you like you had the answers.

The truth was you didn't. It was a beautiful lie. You didn't need the answers, because they were both the question and the answer. My Q & A – their names the only thing I could give them of their father's and my reason to continue every day. As they'd grown up, I had too. I became a better person, not because they demanded it, but I had to be. I was their compass, their map, and their sense of direction.

"Enough you two," Phil barked, gentle laughter accompanying his order. "I will not tolerate this mushiness – it's insulting to mine and Alex's manhood."

Alex heartily agreed and we moved to happier topics, sharing memories that cracked us up. This was only a temporary separation. The separation was only one of distance because nothing would change who and what we were to each other. We were a family. The truth might make my kids look at me differently, but they knew Renee and Phil would be their safe haven.

FF_9072904_17 04/13/2013 9:39PM


	18. Chapter 17: Apathy

**********************************The Twilight Series belongs to S. Meyer, no copyright infringement is intended. I'm just playing with the characters.**

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**Apathy (noun) lack of feeling or emotion**

The indifference we'd repressed. The anger, guilt, and betrayal we'd felt was buried underneath our calm, collected exteriors. Some of us hid the simmering rage better. It was another thing Quil and I had in common.

Together we confessed our secrets, fears, and doubts. He had no one to share these with. Now that Jake had his imprint; he forgot all the pain he'd been through because of Bella. Embry and Leah had begun an uneasy truce and as such he'd pulled away from Jake and Quil. And I'd begun to see the world for what it was. Jared hadn't chosen me, I wasn't even sure if he was happy with me. I wasn't happy with him.

The blinders were completely off and I'd never felt more free, yet trapped at the same time. Quil had known all about my nearly lifelong crush on Jared and made a confession of his own. He'd admired me, but never revealed his feelings.

As nearly the youngest of us, he'd the courage to flirt with everyone – except the person he'd wanted. It was one thing to put yourself out there and not care if you were rejected; quite another to experience the rejection. Just another glaring thing that made us alike. I'd wanted Jared, but never spoke up as I'd been afraid.

Our friendship grew exponentially once the cards were on the table. The forbidden nature of it made it even sweeter. I'd find ways to do things that would cheer him up and he'd do the same. No one had a reason not to trust us.

If Jared mentioned that I'd been spending too much time with Quil, I'd tell him it was part of my duty as an imprint. Imprints were responsible for keeping the pack healthy and whole and his was too young to do the job. Or the few times Quil's scent lingered on me, I'd blame it on the fact that I was cold and one of Quil's shirts had been left lying around Sam's.

It was close to the truth. Lying wasn't an easy task, but I got to the point where as long as what I said I'd done at some point in my life – I'd think of that time when I told my tale. If Jared had doubts he never mentioned them – not to me or the pack. I'd have known either way.

It was another reason why imprinting was so wrong. Any other person would have questioned my motives and words. But imprinting seemed so pure and strong – those niggling doubts in the back of your mind disappeared. Along the way, just like I'd learned that Jared didn't know my name and had never noticed me, he'd learned that I'd loved him forever. He was my HEA in my fairytale; he just didn't know I didn't believe in fairytales anymore.

We woke up early the next day. Too early. The last moments together for a long time had flown by too fast. I wanted to feel apathetic about leaving. I wanted to feel that this change was the best thing that would happen for us. That Quinn and Alex would be happy. That Renee and Phil wouldn't miss us. That everything was going to be more wonderful than my old dreams for my future – that time when I'd imagined the little house in La Push with a husband, 2 kids, a cat and a dog. Somehow I doubted it would be.

It wasn't just my mistakes I'd be facing; I'd have to atone for them too. I couldn't allow the pack to turn their backs on my children, even though I'd turned my back on them all those years ago. My loose defense was that I'd done as Sam had commanded, I'd ended it. Though my idea of ending it and his were too different things – it wasn't my fault as I couldn't read minds like he could.

Ending things with Quil had been easier than I'd thought it would be. For as close as we had become, we'd drifted apart toward the end. Whether it was because his conscience began to eat at him or someone had mentioned their suspicions; he didn't say. It was better if things were ending that we no longer shared secrets.

I missed our closeness; the relationship we shared. But Claire was getting older and while he was still like an older brother to her – the light in his eyes when he'd pleased her was brighter than when he'd looked at me. He had never really been my wolf, I'd only borrowed him.

At nearly 6 years old, her dark brown eyes, almost black hair, and rosy cheeks showed the beauty she'd be someday. I was sure she'd be more beautiful than Emily had been; maybe even as beautiful as Leah. She always had a ready smile and laugh and never said things that could hurt Quil. Not like I had.

I'd done it countless times, getting angry with him because his mind wandered to Claire when he was with me. It wasn't fair. Nothing was. The person who'd been picked out for me; he'd never wanted me and I no longer wanted him. The one I did; I couldn't have, because he was wrapped around Claire's adorable pinky. If only I could feel that way about Jared again. Believe that he hung the moon and stars just for me.

It didn't help that more imprinting happened. More young men and women falling prey to the belief in the fairytale. I couldn't even rouse the anger I once had for it. Instead, I felt nothing. And as long as I did, nothing could hurt me.

FF_9072904_18 04/13/2013 9:48PM


	19. Chapter 18: Promise

**********************************The Twilight Series belongs to S. Meyer, no copyright infringement is intended. I'm just playing with the characters.**

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**Promise (noun) a declaration that one will do or refrain from doing something specified**

Renee and Phil drove us to the airport. We stopped at McDonald's on the way for breakfast. The kids posed in front of a statue of Ronald and made funny faces.

It seemed they knew how close we were to breaking down. Renee and I had cried last night after the kids had gone to bed. After our cry, we'd promised each other that we wouldn't again. This wasn't goodbye and once again, I reaffirmed my promise to Renee.

"I don't care what anyone says or believes, Renee. Quinn, Alex, and me – we're your family. I wouldn't change a single moment we've shared together over the last 15 years. And I know we don't talk about it, but your daughter was an idiot."

Renee may not have been big on responsibilities when Bella was growing up, but time had changed her. Phil and the twins had changed her. She'd become the mother I'd needed when I was younger. The grandma my kids needed.

"What about your parents? Did you even look them up yet, Kim?"

It was another cross I carried. One postcard and that was all. They didn't know they were grandparents. That their only daughter had graduated from college with a degree in respiratory therapy. I'd simply dropped off the face of the Earth. Too scared to contact them for fear the pack would find out and well, I had to deal with my own childhood.

After the twins were born, I suffered from postpartum depression. I was in the _"lucky"_ 10% of women who get to experience it. It was related to all the changes in my life. Being a single mother, having two children, remembering my parents, and the guilt I felt for leaving – for not giving Quil any choices.

_What if I'd made a mistake?_

Don't get me wrong, I love my parents. At the same time, I don't understand why they were the way they were. I was sure they loved me, but I don't remember it being shown, much less told to me. Not the way I did with my children – not the way Renee did with me and the kids.

Hugs, kisses, _"I love you's"_ were never on short supply. My kids were beautiful and special. There was no reason not to tell them this. _Why would I allow them to think anything different about themselves?_

My fantasy life had been created because I never felt worthy enough. I'd come to realize my self-esteem was in the toilet. It was why I'd never questioned anything after Jared imprinted. It wasn't until I realized my own self-worth that I saw things how they really were. That I deserved more – I wanted to be more than an obligation, a duty or prize awarded for services rendered.

I suddenly felt cheap. Our ancestors didn't give us any choice. We were to accept their demands and be grateful for them. We were only children. Why us? What had we done to deserve this punishment?

"No…I haven't. I will just as soon as we get settled in." I shook my head at her. "I'm one to talk – here I'm telling you that Bella's a jerk and I'm just like her."

"Honey, don't think that way. Parents make mistakes and I can't imagine what it must have been like for you. Every day I told Bella how much I loved her, how beautiful she was, and how thankful I was that I'd been given her."

"I know…I just wish my relationship with them was different. I was so scared…scared for too long that if anyone knew where I was that they'd make me go back."

"It's one thing to go back on someone else's terms, isn't it?"

"Yep. Still scares the shit out of me going back now."

"I know the feeling," she told me with a laugh. "I'd always gotten the feeling that Charlie's friends and their wives looked down on me. I didn't know how to cook or clean. I'd hated the clouds and the dreariness of Forks. I loved being in love and while Charlie's a good man and he gave me Bella – I hadn't thought things through properly. I'm sure they still gossip about the flighty girl from California who broke the heart of Forks' best catch."

I didn't have the heart to say there was some truth to her words. I'd overheard Sue and Joy a few times gossiping about it. Instead, I shared my faults, "Well, I didn't know anything about pregnancy or babies. Much less raising kids or paying bills. Had it not been for yours and Phil's patience who knows where we'd be now."

FF_9072904_19 04/13/2013 9:51PM


	20. Chapter 19: Critic

**************************************The Twilight Series belongs to S. Meyer, no copyright infringement is intended. I'm just playing with the characters.**

**__****AN: I'm using a synonym of the word critic which is opponent. I feel it fits the tone of this chap better.**

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**Critic (noun) one given to harsh or captious judgment: opponent**

I'd found the shortest flight possible, but it still had one layover. At least this time I could be honest when I offered my kids something to relax them. I confessed my fear of flying and I worried they'd have the same fear and how I'd hate for them to have a panic attack at 30,000 feet.

They took it without a single objection. I think realty had hit them after we had to say goodbye to Renee and Phil. Airport regulations remained stringent, so we'd parted ways before even getting close to the terminal. I chose the seat closest to the aisle, while Alex was brave enough to sit next to the window. Quinn was wedged between us.

Our 3 hour layover landed us in Chicago and we ate lunch at O'Brien's. Afterwards, we wandered around and I bought the kids some souvenirs. It wasn't the same as getting to explore the city, but this was the first time they'd been farther than the east coast.

We'd taken trips to Myrtle Beach and Washington D.C. in the past year. Before those two trips, we usually stuck to places in Florida. Flying wasn't for me, and driving in the car for hours with 2 kids wasn't either.

We boarded our second plane and soon were on our final stretch to Washington. I'd asked the dealership to have the car dropped off at the Seattle airport. They'd thought I was crazy at first, but when I explained that we were flying in from Jacksonville and I didn't want to bother anyone to drive to pick us up at the airport, they reluctantly agreed.

I'd already asked too much of Charlie. Or Renee had. Either way, I wasn't sure what his relationship was with Sue. I didn't think it was fair to have Renee ask either. I needed at least a few days for us to settle in before I went to talk to the pack.

I'd done things I never thought I'd do. I'd bought a car and house, sight unseen. I trusted Charlie's recommendation on the SUV. I lucked out when the realtor selling our house in Florida had a cousin who was in the same business with an office in Neah Bay. I trusted them both not to screw me over. The inspector had come highly recommended and I'd taken the time to call a few of his previous clients. Everything had checked out.

It was a 5 bedroom, 3 bath rambler with white siding and in a residential neighborhood just west of Forks. On just over half an acre of land and abutting to a woody area; it would be the perfect home. I'd even Googled how long it'd take to drive from there to La Push and it clocked in at just under an hour.

Meaning it would still take the pack some time to run there, which would give us time to settle in as I doubted they'd come and check out the _new_ neighbors in Forks. I didn't think many of the pack I'd been close to would still be phasing – maybe the younger ones, but I was sure Sam, Paul, Jared, Embry, Leah, and possibly even Seth had stopped.

Claire was close to 21, so it seemed likely that Quil had either just begun to stop phasing or maybe he was already done. Thoughts of the pack brought me to thinking about whether there had been children yet and who all had them. It seemed unlikely there'd be any the twins' age, but there had to be some close.

It seemed likely that Sam and Emily, Paul and Rachel, and probably Jake and Nessie had some. Had Quil and Claire moved to the next step of their relationship? Marriage, kids, the whole works? Or was Quil still waiting for his chance?

Two of the younger boys had imprinted just before I'd left. I barely remembered their names, much less those of their imprints. Embry and Leah's truce had seemed to be lasting and was moving into a romantic direction before I'd left. Evidence of it was shown on Sam's face; a scowl darkening his features when he glanced at Embry. Had they taken the plunge? Or were they still allowing the elders to make their decisions?

We arrived in Seattle around 7:30 pm. The flight had gone well, but I could tell being cooped up both kids were starting to get restless. We collected our baggage and made our way out to the parking lot. The dealership had paid to have the car parked in a secure lot to ensure it'd be safe, so it didn't take me long to find it. Nor did it take long to get our luggage safely tucked inside and get on the road.

Charlie's advice had proven correct. Quinn took the front seat and reclined back while Alex stretched out over the bench seat in the back. The humming noise of the wheels and the soft rock radio station I choose had them asleep within 30 minutes of leaving Seattle.

I barely remembered the drive; it seemed like mere moments had passed and I was pulling into the drive of our new home. Four hours had gone by in a blur of black asphalt and green vegetation. I roused the twins and lead them inside. It reminded me of all the times I'd tucked an over-tired pack member into Sam and Emily's guest room. It barely took any effort, just a nudge or pull in the direction you wanted them to go to.

I didn't bother putting sheets on their mattresses. I got Quinn in her room first and then Alex to his. Going to my room, I found the box labeled "linens" and ripped it open. Then I went back and covered the two of them up, before heading back to my room to fall into an exhausted and dreamless sleep.

The next morning, I left Quinn and Alex to begin setting up their rooms while I ran into town for groceries and other supplies. While at the store, I picked up some fresh rolls from the bakery department. Along with a hot cup of coffee from the local coffee shop, I headed to the police station to thank Charlie.

"Hi, I'm looking for Chief Swan," I explained to the deputy at the counter.

"Over there, first door on the left."

Clutching the coffee and the box of rolls, I made my way to his closed door. Knocking softly, I wanted for him to call out "enter." This would be my first glimpse of someone I'd known. I'd never really talked to Charlie, but after Jake told him about the pack, he'd been invited to some of our bonfires. It seemed pointless to keep him completely on the outside and at the time he'd been dating Sue.

"Hi, Charlie. I'm Kim – Renee's friend."

He looked at me dubiously as though Renee and I being friends was a stretch. It was, but it wasn't. We'd become much more than that.

"You look young enough to be my daughter's age."

I held back my snort. Which age was he talking about? The age she **_should_** be or the age she'd been frozen at. Instead, I gambled like I'd always done when faced with awkward situations.

"Well, Renee and I are much more than just friends. She's been like a mother to me and my kids adore her. I come bearing thank you gifts. I really appreciate what you've done to make things easier for us."

He nodded, taking the offered items. His fingers smoothed out his moustache before he remarked, "So, you're Quileute?"

I nodded. His eyes narrowed for a moment before he added, "Why'd you have Renee call me? Why didn't you just call someone on the rez?"

He'd found me out. It was time for a bit of truth mixed in with some deviation. "You've been friends with a few people on the rez, haven't you? I'm sure you understand how they like to keep their secrets. I've got a few of my own and it wouldn't do for them to find them out before I was ready."

"Humph, secrets are right," he agreed. His gaze once again thoughtful. "I knew a Kim that lived there and she'd be around my daughter's age. Only her last name was Connweller, not Young. She used to hang out with Sam's group."

"So did I, but sometimes people change."

"La Push isn't gonna know what hit 'em, is it?"

FF_9072904_20 04/16/2013 12:24AM

"Nope. I trust you'll keep this quiet for now." His nod was all I needed. I thanked him one last time and left the station.


	21. Chapter 20: Impression

******************************************The Twilight Series belongs to S. Meyer, no copyright infringement is intended. I'm just playing with the characters.**

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**Impression (noun) an especially marked and often favorable influence or effect on feeling, sense, or mind**

It seemed I'd made an impression on Charlie. I'd planned our move during the same week of Spring Break for the Forks High students. It'd give the kids just enough time to settle in and hopefully I'd get a chance to talk to the pack before they started up to school.

My opportunity presented itself in the form of a pack get together. While Charlie and Sue remained friends, their relationship had fizzled. I got the idea that the secrets got to be too much. There were too many things they decided they couldn't trust Charlie with. Whether it was because he was an outsider or due to his daughter and her defection; who knew. I'd bet my life it was a combination of facts.

He'd called me on Wednesday, inviting me to be his date on Saturday. It seemed Jake and Nessie had moved back as Billy's health was becoming frailer and it was an opportunity to celebrate the return of the _"prodigal son."_ Charlie's words, not mine. Seemed Charlie's _"need to know_" status had changed a bit over the years.

The kids and I spent the next few days getting things put away. The three of us cooked some large meals and froze portions of them. In the last couple of years, there were times they'd be alone for a few hours in the evening if I was working. The frozen meals were something quick and nutritious for them to eat.

Overall, the kids seemed to be calmer and I wondered if they felt settled being near the pack or our lands. Either way, the plan while I went to meet the pack for the first time was for them to paint their bedrooms.

We'd gone to Ace Hardware in town and I allowed them to pick out paint colors. I also took the time to order some new light fixtures. Our house had been built in the 1990's and was in need of some updating. They also picked out paint and fixtures for their shared bathroom.

The project would keep them busy most of the day. The day before the cable company had been out to set up our TV and internet access, so if they got done before I returned home or got bored – they'd be able to find something besides for fighting to do. I even left them money and the phone number to order pizza.

Charlie had given me directions to his house, but I found I didn't need them. I was familiar with the area and not much had changed. It still had the small town feel it had all those years ago. There were a few new developments and businesses, but nothing drastic.

His white two-story house came into view and I was struck by how similar his house resembled my dream house from when I'd been a child. Maybe I'd seen his house at some point and it seemed like a happy place to live. Which was the complete opposite of what it was – not that Charlie was a miserable person. But he'd been so alone for so many years. And even when Bella had come to live with him – it wasn't long before she'd left.

Besides for Sue, I couldn't remember if he'd ever dated. From what Renee told me, it seemed that their relationship was the first serious one he had. The first she had and as she explained, they'd been so young with stars in their eyes. They'd barely known each when they got married and within a year they had Bella and a year after that they were divorced.

Despite their relationship falling apart, Renee maintained that Charlie was a good man. She wished she'd encouraged more of a relationship between Bella and Charlie. She worried that was why Bella had rushed head-first into a relationship with Edward. _"Underlying daddy issues"_ was what she termed it. The funny thing was how close she was to the truth. Edward was at least 100 years Bella's senior.

As I was pulling the SUV into the driveway, Charlie walked out the front door. I parked and turned off the engine before grabbing my purse and the container of homemade bars I'd made. If anything food might get them to listen and agree to help.

"Hi, Kim, how are you?"

"Not too bad."

"Well, you ready to get this show on the road? For some reason I envision a few fireworks," he told me with a grin, his eyes bright with amusement.

"I'm going to try and behave myself." I chanted that mantra several times silently to myself. I needed to dredge up a bit of the Old Kim - the one who was meek, soft spoken, helpful, and polite. Not the one I was feeling like today.

I felt like a momma wolf protecting her cubs. As much as I wanted their help, I wanted it on my terms. I knew already, I was going to have to fight tooth and nail. The traditions – their rules were too ingrained and unchangeable. In the end I'd done the unthinkable and who knew what my return would do to the peace I'd hoped they had gained.

"For your sake, I hope that true…but I can't help wanting to see someone light a fire under Billy's ass," Charlie said with a chuckle.

It confirmed what I thought. Charlie knew more than he let on and it irritated him that even though he'd been smack dab in the middle of it – no one cared to let him in on it. And how could he not know? Nessie had aged nearly a decade in 2 years - there wasn't a genetic condition that caused those types of changes. Well, there was but it was something only known by the keepers of the supernatural.

FF_9072904_21 04/16/2013 12:29AM


	22. Chapter 21: Urge

**********************************************The Twilight Series belongs to S. Meyer, no copyright infringement is intended. I'm just playing with the characters.**

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**Urge (noun) a force or impulse**

Along the way to La Push, Charlie filled me in on the gossip. Like Renee, we'd come to an understanding that there were going to be pretenses to our relationship. He knew I was the Kim he'd met all those years ago and that I'd been involved in Sam's group, but I had my reasons for leaving and pretending to be someone else.

Imprinting had stolen my future from me. It gave me one I didn't want. When I found what I needed, it prevented me from being able to grasp it tightly. Instead it slipped through my fingers.

I'd left with nothing other than my two bags and the babies I carried under my heart. Arriving in Jacksonville, I'd taken care of the final business. I changed my last name. I knew they'd look for me under my name. It was possible they'd look under Cameron or Ateara. I needed a name that wouldn't connect me to La Push and it was fitting justice when I'd taken Claire's.

_After all, Claire was going to get Quil, his name and his babies._

These were things I wouldn't be able to share with my kids. And Young was such a common last name and it wasn't unique to Native Americans. When I showed up on Renee's door – I was officially Kim Elizabeth Young. I'd even got rid of _"Kimberly"_ no one would call me that ever again.

Maybe my thought process at the time was a bit twisted and distorted. It was too late in the game to fix it now. After the truth was out, I'd bring it up to the kids and see what they wanted. They were old enough to make a decision surrounding that.

From Charlie I learned that Emily and Sam had 2 boys; Jake and Nessie had been married for over 12 years, but they didn't have any children. Embry and Leah had married after she gave birth to their first son nearly 2 years after I'd left; they now had a total of 3, another boy and a little girl. Rachel and Paul had 3 kids, their first a girl a year older than Leah and Embry's son while their younger two were twin boys and had only been born a few years ago.

He mentioned that Seth was finishing up his residency as a family practitioner and had been living in Colorado the past few years. It seemed he'd been seeing someone for a few years, but no big engagement notice had happened yet. Two of the younger boys, Nathan and Jesse had married last year. It was odd how Charlie seemed to know exactly who was in the pack and what information would be fascinating to me.

I waited, trying to be patient for Charlie to give me news of Jared and Quil. They'd been the only two he hadn't mentioned yet. I didn't have to wait long.

"Actually," he began. "Last year was a big year for weddings up on the rez. Quil married Emily's niece Claire and Jared married a girl he went to school with, Beth. Quite a few didn't seem pleased with the second one."

He shook his head, "Seemed to be the right thing to do if you ask me. They'd been dating for a few years and had a little boy."

It had been what I'd suspected – the Quil part. Jared – that wasn't expected, but I found I was happy about it. They'd told us a wolf couldn't live without their imprint, but he'd managed to do it. He'd even found someone he wanted to be with.

I wasn't sure how I felt about Quil and Claire. Yes, it was the outcome the pack and elders would expect. It was what they believed to be the plan, but it wasn't what I'd hoped for him. Had he really waited all those years for Claire to grow up?

I suddenly felt the urge to vomit. What was I doing? That could be Quinn or Alex – waiting. Waiting for years until their soul mate grew up. I couldn't let it happen. I didn't care who was in charge, who was making the decisions – no one was going to make them for my children. They'd always have a choice.

It'd be hard for them to resist their wolves' compulsion toward an imprint, but I knew it could be done. There was no need for them to be anything other than a friend and protector. Even if they imprinted on someone their own age – they deserved the opportunity to experience their teen years.

They wouldn't have those years stolen like we had. My urge to vomit had turned into fury – righteous indignation at our ancestors, Fate, and the elders. It was time for a change. Charlie was right – La Push wasn't going to know what hit them. Hurricane Kim had arrived and none too soon.

FF_9072904_22 04/17/2013 3:24AM


	23. Chapter 22: Betrayal

**********************************************The Twilight Series belongs to S. Meyer, no copyright infringement is intended. I'm just playing with the characters.**

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**Betrayal (noun) to prove false**

I could feel their gazes burning us as we walked toward Sam and Emily's backyard. Life had moved on, but it seemed many things remained the same. I kept my sunglasses on, watching as Sue walked forward to greet Charlie.

She took the container of goodies that I'd made from Charlie and leaned forward, pressing her lips to his cheek. "Hi, Charlie."

Pulling away, she glanced from him to me and then back again. Her gaze curious as she remarked, "You've brought a guest."

This was the moment I'd been waiting for, nervousness rolled off me in waves. Anyone with wolf senses would know that I was debating on tucking tail and running. I couldn't – wouldn't let them make me feel this way. I was an adult and I'd come here for a reason. For my children – they were what was important here. The past was the past and I couldn't change it.

I grasped my sunglasses, pushing them to lie on the top of my head and smiled. I just had to do what I'd done before. When I'd been too young to understand that smiles and laughter shouldn't need to be forced – too jaded by the madness I was surrounded by.

"Hello, Sue, it's nice to see you again," I murmured; my voice soft and smooth without a single tremor which would have given away my anxiety.

"Kim…" Her voice incredulous as though she didn't believe I was standing in front of her. One hand moved to rest over her chest and I was suddenly worried about her heart.

_Jesus_, that's all I needed to do – give one of the elders a heart attack.

"Come," I said, linking my arm through hers. "Let's go sit down."

I led her over to the picnic tables; Charlie followed behind us. Leah rushed forward with a bottled water in her hand. Sue sat down on the bench with little encouragement from me.

Leah's voice was full of concern as she encouraged her mom to take a few sips of the water. Out of the corner of my eye, I watched as Paul wheeled Billy closer. He'd aged 30 years since I'd left. My quick glance around the yard hadn't revealed Old Quil, but it may be too much to hope he was still alive.

The pack children were playing on a swing set that was new – well, it was new to me. Several older kids watched over the young ones. The two that would be closest to Quinn and Alex's age – I racked my brain to remember their names – Harrison, Harry for short and Sarah – both kids named for the grandparents they'd never get to meet. Sarah would be around 13 and Harry had just turned 12.

I was distracted as I gazed toward the pack children. I realized none of them, not even the oldest of the bunch looked like the gene was present. It was still dormant, waiting. Again, it begged the question – why? Why was this happening? Why to Quinn and Alex?

My momentary distraction had been long enough for the rest of them to get their bearings and realize exactly who I was. It was Sam who spoke, yet it didn't seem right for him to be the one giving the orders. Not anymore.

"Why are you here, Kim? This is a **_tribal_** function."

I'd heard the emphasis he placed on that single word. Tribe – pack – the two words were synonymous in the minds of the elders. The duty we were told to do without question or complaint was for the safety of the tribe, the pack, our families and friends.

"Hmm, I take it you haven't missed me," I retorted with a raised eyebrow. "Don't you think it's about time we caught up?"

He trembled before me, his eyes darkening with anger. I didn't understand why he hated me so. Was it because my leaving had proved that we had a choice? Jared had survived and I had too. Did it mean when he'd chosen Emily over Leah that he'd been wrong? I couldn't resist it – he'd been the one to start this all. His phase had started this whole cycle. Sure, it wasn't his fault, but I needed someone to blame for what was happening to my kids.

"Kinda throws out the whole bullshit story the elders gave us about a wolf dying without their imprint, doesn't it? Guess that makes you a bigger asshole than we all thought you were."

My words found their target, hitting him right where it counted. Embry grasped him by the neck, the two of them a blur of motion as Sam phased into his wolf. His murderous howl aimed at me. Embry phased along with Jake – the two of them the only thing that was keeping Sam from tearing me apart.

Leah turned to me, "What the hell, Kim? Don't you know better than to provoke a wolf? Or did you leave your brains at home today?"

So I wasn't exactly starting off on the right foot. The peaceful scene I'd entered into 5 minutes ago was chaos. Emily and Rachel were gathering up the kids. Embry and Jake had corralled Sam into the woods. Billy was looking at me with a disapproving look. Paul was shaking his head; his signature smirk in place.

Jared stood behind a petite Quileute woman. This must be his _"Beth"_ who was the same Bethany we'd gone to school with. That was a very interesting development. While Quil coaxed a woman who reminded me of a younger Emily to sit down; her rounded belly evident. He looked happy and so did she. Maybe Fate hadn't messed up.

I coughed, cheeks flushing with embarrassment, "It would seem so. Look, I didn't mean to cause all…yeah... It's like this," I began starting over. "I need the pack's help."

It was Billy who responded first, "You turned your back on the pack and the tribe. Why should we help you now?"

It was now or never. My betrayal would be out in the open. Even if Quil never said a word, both he and Jared would know the truth. Quil would know they were his kids and Jared would be left trying to figure out which of his brothers had betrayed him.

I turned and looked Billy square in the face, "I need to clarify my statement. My kids need the pack's help. I've managed to keep their phasing at bay for nearly a month – long enough for us to get back here. The moment I recognized the signs, I couldn't stay away. It wouldn't be right to punish them for the mistakes I'd made when I was too young and stupid to know any better."

FF_9072904_23 04/17/2013 3:29AM


	24. Chapter 23: Loyalty

**************************************************The Twilight Series belongs to S. Meyer, no copyright infringement is intended. I'm just playing with the characters.**

**AN: Gah! I'm so sorry for the delay. I've barely been online in the past 2 weeks. Between work, school, and moving my ex out and friends in - Ive barely had a moment to sleep. Things are finally calming down a bit and no worries because this story is completed - I just have to post the chaps, so I'll get it all up soon enough. Thanks everyone for being so patient with me!**

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**Loyalty (noun) the quality or state or an instance of being loyal: faithful**

If there was one thing we were, it was loyal. Even after I'd left, I remained trustworthy. Never once had I revealed the secrets of either the pack or the supernatural world which lurked in dark corners. I'd expected the shocked gasps, whispers, and look of betrayal on Jared's face. Quil was still practicing his somber poker face; he'd win an Oscar yet.

I didn't expect how all this would make me feel. Ashamed. I'd hurt so many people with my actions. I hadn't stopped to make amends for them. I'd never written or apologized. Never once sent a note to tell the pack I was okay.

I knew by looking at their faces – the pack and the imprints – they'd searched for me. Only this time it wasn't like when Sam was lost in the woods. This wasn't a group of normal humans trying to find me. It had been people with special gifts who'd felt an attachment to me. It didn't matter that it'd been forced.

Things were difficult and confusing enough without us putting limits to why we cared. We'd survived together because it was what we must do. We'd patched each other up after battles and losses. Ensured each other had enough to eat, clean clothes to wear, and a place to sleep and the time to do it.

Why had I really left? Was it because I wanted more? Was it because I couldn't have what I wanted? Or was it because I'd been afraid? I'd promised myself I wouldn't look back and that I wouldn't have regrets, but it seemed I was having a few.

I'd left for all the reasons my questions asked and more. I wanted more; wanted what I couldn't have. I'd been afraid. Afraid of what would happen to me, to my children. I'd hoped if we got far enough away that their gene would never be activated. I wanted something better for them. I didn't want them to grow up in the world I had. Their childhoods' were meant to be full of laughter, fun, and friends.

Not worrying about whether we'd all make it home safe. Every howl which rang through the forest signified a possible goodbye. We'd been so lucky that the only ones lost to us were Harry and Bella. Bella had chosen her new existence. Harry, he'd been a casualty of the secrets we kept.

"Children," Leah asked.

I nodded. The thought of why I was doing this calmed my racing thoughts. I slowly breathed in and out, closing my eyes as I pictured them in my head. They were my Q & A – everything I did was for them. Even this, facing the ugliness of my choices; I'd known I'd have to face it sooner or later.

Opening my eyes, I sat on the same bench as Sue and faced the pack. Charlie was suspiciously absent as were the children. I assumed they were inside, probably being distracted by something Emily had baked.

"Yes, twins. Quinn and Alex."

The names I'd given them didn't raise any brows, so I soldiered on. "It was a bit over a month ago that I started noticing a growth spurt and increased appetite. At first, I didn't think much of it. Then came the anger – irritation at the slightest things. They complained about being feeling warm like they had a fever, but they weren't any other symptoms. The thermometer read their temperature at 104 degrees. I know enough that they should have been laid up in bed with a fever that high."

"You said you've kept them from phasing – how?"

The question came from none other than Paul. Of course, he'd be interested in how to stop it. Hell, half of them would be. Only thing is what I'd done was a temporary fix. It wouldn't last long-term.

"Twice daily doses of Xanax in their meals," I answered truthfully.

Raised brows met my words; Sue and Leah sputtering, "What?!"

"It wasn't like I could pack up and leave at a moment's notice," I explained, defending my actions. "We had an entire life we were leaving. I couldn't just pack a bag or two like I did when I left all those years ago. I knew if we came here that it was very likely we wouldn't be leaving anytime soon."

"How old," Billy asked.

I couldn't help but snort at his question. Like I'd really come here with some false tale. Or did he wonder if I was coming back for Jared? A quick look in the direction of Beth and Jared showed she was looking a little pale.

"I'm a bit insulted that you'd ask me that," I replied coldly. "But I'm feeling generous today, so I'll assume your question was asked because you want to make up for all those birthdays you missed. They'll be 15 in November. Quinn on the 3rd and Alex on the 4th."

"You said they were twins," Billy replied back.

"They are. Quinn was born sunny-side up around 10:30 at night on the 3rd. She was just under 7 lbs, so despite her position being not optimal – she was born naturally. Alex had been head down and we assumed he'd follow along shortly. He decided he wasn't going to and turned, ending up sideways. They couldn't get him to turn, so he was born via a C-Section just after midnight. I like to think he'd turned on purpose because they'd underestimated his weight. He was close to 10 lbs."

"So, this is what I'm thinking," I began, bringing out mama wolf Kim who wasn't going to let the pack tell her how things were going to be. "Tomorrow should be soon enough for you to decide who the elders are going to be this time around. I don't think there's any new pack members since I left and it certainly doesn't look like any of your children are close. I'll bring them both to the tribal center at noon. I'd prefer – wait, I'm telling you that every pack member, imprint, and tribal elder do not need to be there. I managed to keep them calm and phase free for a month, even with a cross-country move that none of us wanted. Which just happened to also include a 7-hour plane ride followed by a 4-hour car ride. Forks High will be in session starting on Wednesday. I'm hoping they won't have to miss more than this week of school."

Charlie appeared out of nowhere. He must have been closer than I thought.

"Ready to go?"

Ready? Boy, was I ever ready. I met Charlie by his vehicle, opening the door I paused before getting in.

"I'd suggest you heed my words. I was never too keen on the way things were run when we were young. I'll be damned if the same bullshit's going to happen to my kids."

FF_9072904_24 04/30/13 4:00AM


	25. Chapter 24: Guardian

**************************************************The Twilight Series belongs to S. Meyer, no copyright infringement is intended. I'm just playing with the characters.**

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**Guardian (noun) one that guards: the act or duty of protecting or defending**

That afternoon as I drove home, I called Renee. I'd talked to her earlier in the week to reassure her we'd arrived safely. This time I called for another reason.

I wanted to tell her how I'd done it. Faced the pack and their judgment, managing to come out with only a few bruises. But I couldn't. It wasn't because she didn't deserve to know; it was because I couldn't put her in danger. If she was ever somehow seen in my memories or my kids – she'd be nothing more than their grandma.

It was so hard to keep what was going on from her. She'd been the person who had helped me so much. She and Phil had taken me in and even though I was 19, they'd become a surrogate set of parents. It didn't matter that I'd dropped one of the twin's pacifiers on the floor and stuck it back in their mouth without washing it off.

Or ruined the beautifully painted nursery which became permanently stained because I could never get a diaper on Alex fast enough. When I fell to the floor in tears, proclaiming myself the worst mother ever, she'd crouched next to me and grabbed my chin, forcing me to look at her.

"Are your children happy? Are they healthy? Are they loved?"

Sniffling, I'd nodded.

"Then you sound like a pretty damn good mother to me, Kim. Not all children have those things. They are so lucky to have you and you them."

It was what I'd missed in my childhood. It was the things we sometimes forgot to say to each other when I'd been part of the pack. It was too easy to focus on the negative things.

Leah distracting the guys because she couldn't keep her anger at bay. Paul and Jake butting heads over Bella and her involvement in pack business. The pack's annoyance at Seth's cheerful attitude, his laissez-faire attitude toward the Cullens and Bella's choice.

Maybe that was why we'd all tried so hard to follow the rules. We hoped by doing so, we'd get the acknowledgement we craved. I couldn't blame Sam for forgetting how important it was – he was young himself and didn't have children. The elders, they were too distracted by a million other things that they simply forgot what we were.

Children.

Billy, Harry, and Old Quil, the three of them wanting to live through their children and grandchildren that they forgot the weight and burden they placed on us. Old Quil and Billy had seen the truth of the legends. By that time it was too late for Old Quil, but Billy was young enough. I'm sure his prayers and wishes were filled with the desire to become a protector.

Even though he'd been saddened when Jake phased; you could still see the pride in his dark eyes. Even harder to accept was the jealously buried underneath that same pride.

I'm sure they cursed the spirits just like we did. Only their curses were because they wanted to know_"why not me?"_ While all we'd wanted was to be kids. We cursed the spirits for taking our childhoods away. Our dreams, wishes, and hopes for the future were gone in an instant.

Even if Sam had been lost forever, it wouldn't have stopped Jared or Paul. Embry, Jake, or Quil. Even Seth and Leah would have still happened. We'd been called to service from the moment the Cullens set foot in Forks. The gene once activated couldn't be turned off. It would happen.

I'd seen it happen with each one of them, starting with Embry. His phase had been a surprise, Sam and the elders had been sure Jake would be next. It was a miracle that no one had been injured when Embry phased. No one had been paying attention to him. His wolf told him he needed to go outside and away from his mom. He'd run into the woods, bursting into his wolf. Scared and disoriented, he'd run for miles before they caught up to him.

He didn't know our stories or legends, but in the blink of an eye he'd learned. Come to believe in them as we all did and respect the wisdom of the elders. It'd been the same when I watched Quil after Jake phased. I know I've said it, but it bears repeating. Why did they wait for it to come?

Granted, I'd been delaying it in my children, but I wouldn't be able to help them. Not the way the pack could. I knew they needed to be here when it happened. The place where it had all began.

They were the future protectors and as much as I hated to admit it, there had to be a need for them. They were the oldest children in this generation. They'd be the ones to help lead the new pack and help each member that was added over time. The same way Sam had done and then later Jared and Paul; each subsequent pack member was mentored by the ones who'd come before them.

FF_9072904_25 04/30/13 4:03AM


	26. Chapter 25: Lies

**************************************************The Twilight Series belongs to S. Meyer, no copyright infringement is intended. I'm just playing with the characters.**

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**Lie (intransitive verb) to create a false or misleading impression**

I arrived home to a relatively quiet house. I could hear Quinn's iPod playing and the low sounds of the TV on in the living room. I went to check in on Quinn first.

Her long hair was pulled up into a sloppy ponytail, flecks of dusky purple paint clinging to it in several places. She'd managed to get nearly all her room painted and was just finishing up on the last wall. The bedroom set I'd purchased with Phil and Renee's help last year fit in perfectly.

The trim throughout the house was oak and had seen better days. The interior doors were standard ones, so I hoped to change the trim in the house to white along with adding 6-paneled doors. Those changes with the new light fixtures I'd ordered and re-painting the rest of the interior; it'd feel like a new home.

The bathrooms were even more outdated, the only with some updates was the master, but I didn't care for its design. These were bigger projects I wasn't ready to take on. At least not yet.

"Mom, are you just gonna stand there or are you gonna help?"

Quinn's voice interrupted my musings. "Nope, I'll help you finish up. Are the walls behind where your bed and dresser dry?"

"Yeah, Alex said he'd help me put it together."

"Good. Did you work together?"

"For a while, but he got bored. He didn't have to climb up and down the ladder like I did."

I laughed. It was my least favorite part of painting. Trying to edge in by the ceiling; you could only paint a two foot long spot before you had to climb down and move the ladder. The process was repeated over and over until you finally were done.

"I guess he lucked out on getting the height genes. I'm sure he'll still get a bit taller before he's done."

I watched as Quinn frowned, her hand holding the paintbrush was poised in the air. She was frozen in place. "I'm not going to be tall like that, am I?"

Embracing her, I realized I needed to talk to them tonight. I couldn't tell them everything, but I had to tell them something. It was a topic they avoided. Renee and Phil had filled in where they could.

"Let's finish this up and then we'll talk. I think it's time I told you a few things about growing up here and my life before I had the two of you."

My words and promise seemed to calm her anxiety. I had less than 24 hours to keep them phase-free. Though I suppose if they did, at least we were here.

Within 15 minutes we'd finished up the last bit of painting. In the essence of time and knowing that sometimes you'd see things differently with different light; we closed the open paint can and I showed Quinn how to wrap the brushes and rollers in plastic so they could be used again if we needed to do any touch ups.

She followed behind me as I made my way to the living room. Alex was curled up on the sofa, watching a movie. Quinn sped up, going around me, perching herself on the opposite end of the sofa.

I could only catch bits of her words, "Mom said…here…maybe…dad…" Her tone was barely above a whisper but the words were tinged with excitement.

I grabbed the wooden rocking chair in the room – it was a leftover piece of furniture that once graced the twins' nursery. Even though none of us used it; I couldn't bear to part with it. It was in this chair that I'd feed them and rocked them back to sleep. When they were toddlers, they sit on my lap while I read them a story. Granted, story time only lasted a few minutes but the older they got the more minutes were added to the time.

I sat in the chair, facing the two of them. They'd been mine for so long that I forgot to look to see what of Quil they had in them. It was easier on my heart to believe they were only mine. It meant I didn't have to think about the chaos and mess I'd left the pack in.

Quinn and Alex both sat up straighter on the couch. Their eyes bright with excitement as they wanted for me to start. It would be the first time I was willing to let them ask questions, because I knew there'd be some.

"There are things that I've told that haven't been the truth. These lies or stretching of the truth was done to protect me and you. I was born here and lived with my parents until I was 19. It wasn't until I found out I was pregnant that I decided to leave. I can't explain everything behind my choices, but I'll explain what I can," I began.

"Does he live here? Still?"

I nodded, but before I could respond Alex had a question of his own. "Why isn't his name on our birth certificate?"

I couldn't even ask how he knew because Quinn chimed in, "We saw it mom. Last year."

I sighed, "Let me start at the beginning and I'll try and answer that question."

I told them about being born in La Push and my early years. I described my parents and tried to keep my feelings about them neutral. I wished they'd been different, but I couldn't change it and I had to learn to not be angry about it.

School, my friends, and classmates – I described these in details. When it came time to talk about the pack it was much harder. These are things they'd learn tomorrow. I was scared to mention my past once I was involved in the pack. It didn't put me in the best light.

"Just before my sixteenth birthday, I started seeing one of my classmates. It was a tribal tradition. Not everyone, but some of us were chosen to have…" I trailed off, unsure how to describe imprinting in a way they'd understand.

"Like an arranged marriage?" Quinn asked.

Nodding, I continued, "Jared and I were considered to be highly compatible and to be chosen – well, it was an honor and a privilege. At least that's what they told us."

"What happened?"

"Some of us started seeing things differently. We began to doubt what we'd been told; question what was expected from us. And because of that, new friendships were formed. A friendship that moved into a something different."

Quinn frowned, her black brows drawing together, "But…but what does that mean?"

"It means mom doesn't know who our father was," Alex angrily sneered.

His voice and facial expression made me infuriated. He'd never – neither of them had ever spoken to me like that. Regardless of the circumstances – I was still their mother and deserved respect.

My hand met his cheek in a blink of an eye. Quinn gasped; I'd never raised a hand to them. An angry red mark appearing on his cheek while I cradled my hand on my lap; it was stinging with spasms of pain running down my arm.

When I lifted my eyes up, I saw the dark look on Alex's face. His body trembling slightly and for the first time in a long time I was scared. Scared that I'd been the one to push him too far and set his phase off. I'd end up like Emily and maybe it was no more than I deserved.

"Alex, Alex, Alex," Quinn repeatedly called his name. "Mom didn't mean it. Please, don't fight," her words breaking as she began to cry. "Why'd you say that?"

Alex had calmed some with Quinn's words and I knew it was better to continue with my story. It was exactly what the pack would've thought if I stayed. In a way I was a whore, a woman with loose morals, a slut – whatever you called someone who was promised to one and had a relationship with another.

I was probably the worst person in the entire mess – I'd been the one to encourage and continue the relationship with Quil. I'd rationalized that Claire wouldn't care when she was old enough and Jared didn't love me.

"Alex, honey, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. I was shocked you'd say something like that. Shocked because I thought you'd be the last person to say that to me. It's going to be what all of them will think when it comes out. But I know who your father is. I left for him – to protect him. Like me, he'd been chosen and they'd matched him with someone else. If I stayed, I would've had to face the shame of what I did and he'd have to face the anger of his friends and the tribe. At the time I did it to save both of you from having to deal with the same things I did growing up here, but we don't have a choice."

FF_9072904_26 04/30/13 4:08AM


	27. Chapter 26: Judgment

******************************************************The Twilight Series belongs to S. Meyer, no copyright infringement is intended. I'm just playing with the characters.**

******************************************************AN: Sorry again for the delay. I apologize in advance for any mistakes, I'll be by later to fix them.**

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**Judgment (noun) the process of forming an opinion or evaluation by discerning and comparing**

Judgment Day had come and I wasn't ready. I'd managed to tell them what I could about their father and answer their questions. I couldn't tell whether Alex had forgiven me. I'd known he was going to take it harder than Quinn.

For so many years, he had Phil as an example. Phil loved Renee and balanced out her tendency toward flightiness. And Phil loved the kids; sometimes playing what I thought was too rough with them. Renee would have to remind me they were kids and that's what kids did.

I should have talked to them earlier or told them more. I think they'd created their perfect image of a father. Who knows what they thought about why he wasn't around. I'd never said he didn't want us, but I never said he did.

I'd made him into a faceless man. One they could mold into the father they wanted. And I'd been their perfect mother for too long. Of course I wouldn't do anything wrong. This was their first evidence that I had a past and one I was ashamed of. For too long I'd complained about the secrets and burdens the elders had given to us. Essentially I'd done the same to my children by not trusting them with the secrets of my past.

The morning was subdued. I made breakfast for us as Quinn and Alex finished putting things away in their rooms. They hadn't started on their bathroom, but it wouldn't take much time to paint and put up the new fixtures we'd purchased.

We ate our meal in silence. I could see the evidence of Quinn and Alex's ability to communicate without words. It seemed to me they were having an entire conversation. Their facial expressions and eyes communicating their thoughts.

After breakfast, I cleaned up the kitchen and then headed to my room. I needed to find my uniforms and determine which ones just needed a few minutes in the dryer to get the wrinkles out versus the ones I'd either re-wash or iron. I wasn't due to start at work until Friday and I was glad that I'd pushed back my start date.

I couldn't imagine going to work tomorrow morning. Things were still too up in the air. I doubted we'd make much headway today either. It would depend on who the elders were and whether they thought we should wait for things to happen or force it. I knew in my heart they were close and all it would take was a little nudge.

After seeing the pain some of the pack had endured – Jake and Quil particularly. Even Leah should've been told the truth of why Sam broke up with her. Instead the decision to maintain the secret hurt more than it protected.

I didn't hear the quiet footsteps padding toward my room. I was too lost thinking about the past. I wish I'd kept something from that time – a photo, a note, anything. Instead I'd left with virtually nothing. Afraid if I brought physical memories of La Push, I'd run back.

It was a vow I'd made to myself that I wouldn't let the same thing happen to my children. They deserved a real childhood. Dating, dances, friends, and fun – the things I'd given up too easily. Believing the happy-ever-after the elders spoke of was what I wanted and needed. How could you know at 15 or 16 what you wanted? What you needed?

"Mom, I'm sorry about last night."

Turning I saw Alex standing barely in my room. His head lowered and expression sheepish. I gestured him to come near me and then patted the floor next to me. He walked slowly as though his feet were weighted down with lead. As he sunk to the ground next to me, he didn't say a word.

For all his boyish traits, he was sensitive. Always worried about what others thought of him. That he wouldn't fit in. Quinn's personality was loud and boisterous; leaving little room for him to make an impression.

Wrapping my arm around him, I kissed the side of his head. "Honey, I'm sorry. Sorry about many things. I didn't realize my avoidance would cause this many troubles. I'd hoped things were going to be different."

"We're not just coming back here to learn our heritage, are we? There's something more."

I swallowed against the thick lump in my throat, "Yes, there's more to it. That's why we're going to meet some of the tribe today. I can't tell it as well as they can."

"Quinn and I think it has to do with the dreams we've been having."

"Dreams?"

"Yeah, for a while now." He closed his eyes in concentration. "Like green forests and the ocean, but not the ocean in Florida. It was too wild and untamed to be there. And we're running through the forest – sometimes we're chasing things but other times were doing it just to run. It feels good to run – like we're free when we do."

My heart raced as he told me about their dreams. It was something the pack all talked about. How they dreamed more wolf than human. Though the dreams weren't scary – it was during those dreams that they connected with their wolf; accepting its place within them.

"You dream in wolf?"

His dark eyes snapped open at my words. "I never mentioned that we were wolves. How did you know?"

"You're not the first person to tell me about dreams like that. Your father and his friends used to talk about them."

FF_9072904_27 05/04/13 2:18AM


	28. Chapter 27: Humanity

******************************************************The Twilight Series belongs to S. Meyer, no copyright infringement is intended. I'm just playing with the characters.**

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**Humanity (noun) the quality or state of being human: having human form or attributes**

Thankfully Alex realized I wasn't going to say anymore on the subject. He'd left me to finish putting things away. There wasn't a doubt in my mind about what he was going to do next. He'd tell Quinn what I had slipped up on. Maybe my big mouth hadn't done all that much damage. It might make the truth easier to swallow.

At eleven, I found them sitting in the living room watching a movie. "You ready to go?"

They nodded. Alex turning off the TV while Quinn picked up the snacks they'd been eating. It never ceased to amaze me how they picked up after each other. It was very rare for them not to and they rarely fought about whose job it was. I suppose it could be because I'd made a game of cleaning up when they were little.

I followed behind them; they veered off to the kitchen and I made my way to the entryway. I found my shoes and grabbed a light jacket. I wasn't yet accustomed to the weather here and remembered how changeable it could be.

The three of us walked outside together. This time I was alone in the front of the vehicle, both of them opting for the backseat. Turning the engine on, I backed out of the driveway and started the drive to La Push.

"What if they don't like us?" Alex asked.

My worrier I thought shaking my head. "They'll like you both. You're very special. Just like how I talked about how I was special in the tribe many years ago?"

"But you said they don't know about our dad…couldn't that mean they won't accept us?"

"Quinn, Alex – please don't worry about it. Anyone who blames a child for the sins of their parents is a very narrow-minded person. I made a choice and it resulted in you two. I wouldn't change that choice because I love you and I loved your dad. If I had to do it all over again – the only thing I might change was facing up to what I'd done. But I can't sure I'd have stayed here. I don't know that I could handle the stares and whispers."

For the rest of the drive, I shifted our topic of conversation to our planned visit to Renee and Phil. The mood in the car by the time we reached the tribal center was improved. The kids' earlier nerves calmed.

The pep talk I'd given myself during the drive was only partially effective. The confidence I had yesterday had run away. Or I'd used it all up. Either way, today would be the day I faced my past head on. I couldn't be weak or timid – they'd eat me alive if I was. I looked at Quinn and Alex – my strength bolstered by their presence. I wouldn't let their lives be ruled or ruined by the traditions.

There were several cars already parked in the lot. I quickly found a spot and parked. I got out of the car while the kids reluctantly looked around.

I opened the door, a half-faked smile on my face. "Come on, let's get this done. Sooner we're done with this – the sooner we can finish getting settled in. Maybe we'll even have time and we can stop at First Beach. I have a feeling you'll recognize it."

I walked in the center of our group with an arm around each one of them. Not much had changed with the tribal center in the past 15 years. Some new paint and updates to the furniture, but the layout was the same. The same glass cases lined the walls with things from our history. Pictures and artifacts – bits of our past which explained who we were and where we came from.

There was a larger room which people rented out for gatherings along with two smaller meeting rooms and several offices. The council used the offices here for maintaining records of the tribe and also discussing how federal funds would be used. As a tribe we might not have much, but we had a council who carried about our future and how the funds were used.

That wasn't the case with all tribes. Some had crooked councils and funds were misappropriated, leaving members living in abject poverty. People in La Push weren't rich, but we survived.

I heard the sound of voices coming from one of the smaller meeting rooms. I picked out the lilting tones of Leah's voice and Billy's deep voice which was softer than I remembered. Leading my kids, we walked toward the set of double doors which were propped open.

Taking a deep breath, I squared my shoulders and we walked through the doors. The tables and chairs had been arranged in a square. My eyes flitted about the room and I quickly picked out who'd they had sent as the tribe's representatives.

Billy was here – that wasn't surprising as he was still chief of the tribe. Leah had taken Sue's place as the Clearwater representative and my fears for Old Quil must be right as Quil appeared to be the Atera member. I noticed Embry was by Leah's side and I wasn't sure what to make of it, but I didn't mind. Jared was present and I assumed the reasons behind that were that they didn't know these weren't his children. Sam wasn't present, so either they didn't have a Uley representative or he'd been told to stay away.

Lastly, Jake and Nessie rounded out the group. I wanted to roll my eyes at the insinuation that Nessie was part of this tribe – much less one who should be present during tribal business. In the end I didn't need to say a word as it was my kids who spoke up, or rather reacted.

Quinn tugged on my arm and whimpered. Turning toward her, I saw her eyes wide with fright. Before I could say a word to her, I heard Alex's low growl. Its sound sent a shiver down my spine. It was a sound I'd never heard from him.

It felt like the next few moments were moving in slow motion. I saw as Leah and Jared stood, stepping closer, but that only seemed to anger Alex more. What had set him off? He had been so calm only moments ago. And Quinn, she'd been scared by something. What?

"Mom," Quinn whispered. "It burns."

Burns? I racked my brain trying to figure out why that word stuck out. What it meant. It seemed to take me years to find the memory I'd long since buried. Quil, during one of our many talks – he'd told me how the scent of vampires burned their nose, but Jake no longer complained about it – not since he'd imprinted on Nessie. Nessie – she was the key. Fucking dumbass brought Nessie here even knowing my kids were close to phasing.

"Don't move," I commanded and then turned to Alex.

His face was filled with anger and it took me a moment to see my son underneath his fierce expression. His eyes glowed with animalistic rage, his lips pulled back to bear his teeth. I put my hands on his cheeks, forcing him to look at me. His entire body trembled and I wondered if this was similar to the moment when Emily had been scarred.

"Alex, honey. Please you have to calm down," I pleaded softly.

"Kim, you need to move away from him before you get hurt," Jared stated.

"Shh, be quiet," I answered without turning to him. I wasn't going to move away, not now. "Alex – Q's scared. I can't help her but you can. You just have to stay human. I know the wolf's angry, but you need to tell him it's okay. You're safe here. Please."

My words seemed to reach him as he shook his head, his expression clearing. He blinked several times before glancing around the room and back to me.

"It's okay," I reassured him. "We'll be okay."

He inhaled a shaky breath and turned to his sister. She whimpered and he pulled her into his arms. "Sorry, Q – I didn't mean to scare you."

Satisfied that the crisis had been averted, I turned back to the room's occupants. A single raised brow and my haughty words expressed my thoughts, "What the fuck were you thinking bringing Nessie here? Just because none of you notice her smell – doesn't mean they wouldn't. Or was that the plan to see if I was lying by having Nessie here? If they didn't react then I was a liar? Fuck you! I asked for your help. I knew exactly what I'd be facing by returning – everyone's judgment. These are kids and not just any kids, but _mine._ I'm trusting you to help us, but maybe I was wrong."

I turned, ready to walk out the door and never come back. It was Leah's voice that stopped me, "I'm sorry, Kim. We weren't thinking. I wasn't thinking."

FF_9072904_28 05/04/13 2:19AM


	29. Chapter 28: Accent

******************************************************The Twilight Series belongs to S. Meyer, no copyright infringement is intended. I'm just playing with the characters.**

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**Accent (transitive verb) to give prominence to: make more prominent**

I turned back and met Leah's eyes. My words sincere, "Apology accepted. I'm not trying to be difficult. I know it seems like I am, but you have to understand the scars I carry – we all carry from what happened when we were young. This is the last thing I wanted for them. I foolishly thought if we were far enough from here that it wouldn't happen."

"I understand. More than you know," Leah replied softly.

"Good. I trust the rest of you agree?" I waited for their nods and once I saw them I walked further into the room. Alex and Quinn trailing behind me; I took a seat farthest from Nessie and Alex and Quinn sat on my sides.

Billy wheeled his chair so he sat next to Quinn while Embry and Leah sat on Alex's side. Jared sat on the other side of Billy. Quil ended up next to Leah and lastly, across the table from us were Nessie and Jake.

I wasn't surprised that Billy still led the meetings. It had been the way things had always run. I doubted it would change until after Billy's death. He wasn't going to give up control – not yet at least.

"You told them?" He remarked in response to what I'd said to Alex only minutes before.

"They guessed. They've been having dreams and it seemed silly to not address the reason why they reacted."

"Sir," Quinn spoke before Billy could again. "Mom didn't mean to say anything. Alex mentioned our dreams and she guessed we dreamt of running as wolves."

"How long have you had the dreams," Billy asked.

"Since a few weeks before mom said we were moving."

"Do you understand the significance of them?"

Quinn paused and glanced at Alex before answering, "Not completely. We know that wolves are significant to the tribe and mom told us that when she was younger, some of the younger members were seen as special and important. That we were too, but we don't think it's the same as she was."

Quinn's answer seemed to satisfy the others. Billy didn't seem pleased. His brow furrowed as he glanced from Quinn to Alex and back again.

His irritation present with his next question, "Do you always answer for each other?"

"Of course," Quinn stated matter-of-factly.

"And you are sure that your brother agrees with your answers."

"Yes."

"Humph."

I felt rather than saw Alex stiffen beside me. I placed my hand on his knee, gently squeezing it to tell him to remain calm.

"Do you have a problem with me allowing Q to answer? She always knows what I'm thinking just as I know what she's thinking," Alex ground out.

"How?"

"I can't describe how – we just do. I can see what she thinks and she can do the same with me. It's been that way since we were little."

It made sense to me; I'd suspected that they were able to communicate without words. How many times had Quinn answered for Alex or vice versa? And after all the strange things I'd seen I no longer questioned what was normal. It took too much time to put labels on things.

"Doesn't that ever feel invasive like you can't have any secrets," Jake asked.

They both shook their heads with Quinn once again answering, "We don't do it all the time. Just when we need to – it makes it easier when we want mom to see something our way."

"Like when mom said we were moving and we wanted to make a bargain that if we didn't like it that we could move back to Jacksonville and stay with Nana and Phil," Alex added.

"It works better if one of us does the bargaining than both of us," Quinn seconded.

"Jacksonville? You lived in Florida," Jake asked.

"Yeah, it was the farthest place I could think of and it's sunny nearly all year. Last place the supernatural had to find me," I answered.

It took longer than I expected for the pieces to click into place. Not that everyone was in on it. Jared and Quil didn't seem to understand why it was significant. But Jake and Nessie definitely did along with Billy. And Leah and Embry seemed to have an idea, too.

"Nana and Phil…" Jake's voice incredulous. "You stayed with…there's no way…"

"Why not," I retorted. "Do you think when I left all those years ago I didn't have some kind of a plan? I knew the resources we had – the Cullens had. They'd be able to track me down unless I went to the one place they wouldn't think of looking and used the one name that couldn't be traced to me."

"Why would you do that to Bella?"

"Bella," I snorted. "What did I do to her? She's the one who stopped talking to her mom. I understand the need for secrecy, but why didn't she **_die_** so Renee could get the peace she needed."

"They know Nana," Quinn asked.

"Yes, that's Nana's _real _granddaughter," I answered pointing to Nessie.

I could tell Quinn and Alex were silently communicating again. Maybe I should've kept my mouth shut. But it made me angry how Bella's perfect daughter had infiltrated our lives. How so many of our tribes' young members had sacrificed their childhoods for her - it wasn't right.

There was nothing to make it right. The pack had fought to protect Bella and she'd turned her back on her humanity, choosing to become the very thing which caused those same protectors to phase. If Nessie had never been born, the Volturi would never have come to our lands and never known about the pack.

"My decisions, right or wrong," I began, "were made with my kids in mind. I wasn't stupid enough to think that I didn't need someone to help me out those first few months. Renee missed Bella so much – wanted her daughter in her life, but Bella was too selfish to realize how much she was hurting her mom. We were there and gave Renee the family she wanted."

I thought my speech was the end of the conversation. I was wrong. Quinn had a few things to add.

"Why are you here," she asked, her eyes pinned Nessie in place. "This doesn't concern you. This is about my brother and me – the tribe. You're not part of this tribe. Your mom is the reason why Nana cries every year on September 13th."

"As my wife – she's part of the tribe. You don't get to make a decision about tribal matters," Jake intervened on Nessie's behalf.

"You may think that, but she'll never be a member of this tribe. It is only because you will it to be so. But when the chief dies – so will your power over the decisions. We could have been born on the moon for all it matters – we have 100% pure Quileute blood flowing through our veins."

FF_9072904_29 05/04/13 2:20AM


	30. Chapter 29: Trend

**********************************************************The Twilight Series belongs to S. Meyer, no copyright infringement is intended. I'm just playing with the characters.**

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**Trend (intransitive verb) to show a tendency: inclination**

"Quinn, enough," I scolded. "I think we've had enough time to get caught up. Why don't we get to the heart of the matter? The sooner we do that, well, the sooner our lives can begin to resemble some type of normal."

"I think that's an excellent idea," Leah seconded. Nods accompanied her statement.

"What have you told them?" Embry asked.

"Not much. I haven't thought about the stories for years. Nor did I think I was the best person to tell them about them. I shared the creation story our last night in Florida – the one with Q'waeti'."

"Okay, let's start there. Quil?" Leah questioned.

My eyes were drawn to Quil. He'd barely changed in 15 years. Still resembling the youth I'd fallen in love with. The one I still loved in one way or another. The only thing changed about him was the air of responsibility that cloaked him. The weight he had all those years ago remained present, but heavier. He must have taken his grandfather's place within the tribe for more things than just the Ateara seat on the council. The slim gold band on his left ring finger glinted in the sun – reminding me who he belonged to.

He cleared his throat and then began, "The best place to begin the story of why you've noticed changes in yourselves and your dreams – is with Taha Aki, our first spirit warrior chief. In those days many of our warriors had the ability to leave their physical forms and walk amongst the spirits. This left their bodies vulnerable and during one of his walks, Taha Aki's body was taken over by a warrior who was jealous of our great chief."

His voice was deep and melodic; reminiscent of Old Quil. Quinn and Alex listened closely as he described what happened to Taha Aki and how he had come to share the body of a wolf. How Taha Aki's anger was too much for the wolf and together they transformed into a man. The wolf spirit always remained with Taha Aki and his descendants.

"We dream as wolves because we'll become them?" Alex asked.

"Yes, we all had the dreams when we were younger," Quil answered. "There were many that had the ability to phase when I was around your age – more than our tribe had ever seen, but there were many threats we faced."

"So some of the ones in your…" Alex struggled to find the right word, "pack still do."

Quil shook his head, a wry smile stretched across his features. "Very few. Most have given it up to grow old. As long as you phase, you don't age. I only phased as long as I did while I waited for my imprint to grow up."

"Is that what you were, mom? An imprint," Quinn inquired.

Before I could respond, Billy answered the question for me. "Yes, Kim was an imprint. Chosen by the gods, the second greatest honor one could have happen to them."

"But…why would you…I don't like it…I want a choice," Quinn said softly.

"You mustn't fear the gods' choice – they are pointing you in the direction of your best match," Billy told them reassuringly.

"No, I don't want it. None of it, not the wolf stuff or imprint," Quinn protested. "I don't have to if I don't want to, do I?"

I sighed, "Honey, the changes have already started. You both should have phased weeks ago. I've been delaying it because I couldn't help you – not like they can."

"Well, I'm not going to. You said we don't have to do anything we don't want to. I don't like it here. **We**don't like it here and we want to leave," she demanded, crossing her arms over her chest, her look defiant.

"Even if you imprint – you'll still get a choice, I promise."

"You're not allowed to make decisions about that and how do you know that your children won't welcome an imprint," Billy intoned.

"That's it," I said, standing; my words emphasized by my clenched fists striking the table. "This has gone on for far too long. It's time we discussed this."

"There's nothing to discuss."

"If that's what you think then you're wrong. You three," I glared at Billy accusingly. "Thought you knew what you were doing, but you fucked up. Quil, will you take Quinn and Alex outside?"

He jumped slightly at my stern tone and directness. "What? Me, why me?"

"Just do it, please," I pleaded; my voice softer.

"Why not Jared?"

It dawned on me in that moment that he didn't realize the truth as Jared had. He thought these were Jared's kids. And the reason for me getting them out of the room didn't necessarily have to do with their parentage – it had to do with me being able to explain part of the reasons why I'd left. Why I'd been so unhappy. To tell the truth behind what it was to be an imprint.

"Because Jared should be here for this and I don't need them to witness or hear what I have to say. Your hearing should still be as sensitive as theirs is now – so you'll know when you're far enough away."

Reluctantly, the three of them left the room. Leaving me to face the rest of my dirty little secret – the parts which no one knew about, except for me, and now Jared. I turned to close the doors, putting one more barrier between us and my children.

FF_9072904_30 05/05/13 1:32AM


	31. Chapter 30: Illusion

**********************************************************The Twilight Series belongs to S. Meyer, no copyright infringement is intended. I'm just playing with the characters.**

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**Illusion (noun) perception of something objectively existing in such a way as to cause misinterpretation of its actual nature**

"What's this about, Kim," Billy asked.

I glared at him – I couldn't help it. The other two were long gone; he was the only one that I could direct my anger and hurt at. They had stolen our childhood and he thought we'd let it happen to our children. Enough was enough. It was time they understood what it was like once you stopped believing in fairytales and realized you were nothing more than a pawn.

"You know exactly what this is about. You were wrong – all of you. You, Harry, and Old Quil. Do you even realize what you did to us? You were supposed to protect us, but you didn't. The three of you were too busy living through your sons and grandsons to see how some of us were falling apart – breaking down," I began.

"Imprinting was never about mates or making better and stronger wolves. It was about them protecting us. Think about it – why would they imprint on babies. How sick is that? I don't care if the relationship began with them being a big brother. You're telling me it's normal to grow up and fuck the same guy who changed your diapers? There's a word for that – it's called child-grooming. And all the traditions in the world don't make it right."

My tirade was interrupted by Jake. "That's not what it's like," Jake stated defensively. "You couldn't begin to understand what a wolf feels toward their imprint."

"I can't? Really? You mean I can't know that I was nothing more than an obligation, a duty to Jared. That Quil wished you'd fought the Volturi so he could die? But you wouldn't know about that because you were too busy playing the Cullen's lap dog."

"Kim, I didn't feel that way," Jared said softly.

"Yes, you did. You don't have to pretend to spare my feelings. You know I'm right," I responded; my voice matching his soft tone as I gazed into his dark brown eyes.

Glancing back at the room's occupants, I remarked, "How long did you make him wait? And why? I'd left here and vowed to never return. Did you not believe that he could feel anything for someone else? How long did you make Embry and Leah wait? Is that why they didn't get married until after Harry was born?"

"It took me a long time to convince her," Embry answered with a soft chuckle. "But I'd agree that imprinting had quite a bit to do with her hesitation."

"See, you made them all fear to have a relationship. Seth's how old now? Do you think he should have to wait decades for his mate to show up or don't you think we're smart enough to find our own? What about Brady and Collin? All the other young wolves whose futures were stolen when Bella had Nessie – how many of them have had their futures put on hold? Too many, I'd say."

Billy's brows rose as he looked at me squarely, "We have plenty of examples of how imprinting works. Your children are just two of many children which the pack has been blessed with."

"Ha," I jeered. "That's rich. So according to your thought process imprinting picked me as Jared's best breeding partner? And I suppose his _wolf genes_ overcame the fact that Beth isn't the best match because the gene must be carried on."

"Of course."

"Then why hasn't your son and his imprint had any children? Shouldn't they have half a dozen by now? Aren't his genes the strongest? His imprint should be able to birth an entire litter of pups. Or maybe you've gotten it all wrong and the imprinted couples who've produced children have just been blind luck?"

"Luck has nothing to do with it. It is the way of the spirits. Jake and Nessie have endless amounts of time to have children."

"Of course, forever is a long time, but why would they desire to wait to have children until after Jake's human family is gone? I'll bet Carlisle already did a complete work-up and hasn't found a single reason why they can't conceive."

Jake blanched and if Nessie was able to, she would've too. Everyone noticed the sudden uncomfortable tension in the atmosphere. I paused, waiting for someone to speak and when none did, I decided it was time to drop my secret which would hit them like a ton of bricks.

"It's too bad that your theories – the elders' theories were all wrong. You took something that was meant to be beautiful and twisted it into something evil. Had you left it alone – things would have played out much differently. Your son will never inherit your place in the tribe, not as long as Nessie is by his side – the spirits won't allow it. He was only meant to imprint to protect her from the wrath of the pack. Had Sam and the pack attacked the Cullens – lives would've been lost that day on both sides. We were children, not warriors – but you didn't look at that did you? Did you ever wonder what any of them wanted? What we needed? No."

"What's your point, Kim," Jake growled, irritation flashing across his face.

"If imprinting was about breeding then why don't you tell me how Quil is the father of my children? That shouldn't be possible, should it? I was imprinted on by another wolf and he was imprinted on Claire – but the truth of our relationship is in those two children."

FF_9072904_31 05/05/13 1:33AM


	32. Chapter 31: Damage

**********************************************************The Twilight Series belongs to S. Meyer, no copyright infringement is intended. I'm just playing with the characters.**

* * *

**Damage (noun) loss or harm resulting from injury to person, property, or reputation**

I'd dropped my deepest, darkest secret and the guilt of what I'd done overwhelmed me. I couldn't look at Jared – he'd known since I'd come back that I had been untrue. Not even two full days and I'd turned the pack on its side.

I still wasn't sure what I was doing was the best way to go about things. But was there time to hold my cards close? Quinn and Alex knew the truth and I doubted their ability to keep it to themselves. Jared knew and sooner or later he'd come asking questions which I'd have to answer. He'd most likely tell Beth because I couldn't see him hiding it from her.

Sinking into the chair I'd abandoned during my tirade, I cleared my throat and tried to find an eloquent way to explain my actions.

"I was fifteen and didn't have any experience with a relationship. Then suddenly, I was told I was the center of someone's world and we were soul mates. Everything was meant to be. Emily provided the example of what I was to model myself after. Never questioning or complaining – just accepting what I was told. She was the perfect imprint and every one of us who followed after her could only hope to be half as perfect as her."

I glanced up, my eyes meeting Leah's; her gaze filled with empathy. I soldiered on, continuing, "Jared didn't even know my name. We'd been in the same class for years, but I didn't register on his radar. For a long time it was easy to overlook the flaws of imprinting; the questions which arose. When Nessie was born I started having doubts or maybe it was earlier. I don't remember. All I know is after the Volturi came and I'd seen all those children phase – I finally stopped believing in what I'd been told."

"The questions that lingered in the back of mind couldn't be ignored. Why did Sam wait for Jake and Quil to phase? Why didn't he force it the moment the signs were there? Why make them watch Embry walk away from their friendship? Why couldn't Leah know the real reason why Sam broke up with her? Couldn't she be trusted to know the secret?"

"That doesn't explain," Billy began.

"No, it doesn't," I interrupted. "I don't even know if I understand it myself. All I know is I was unhappy. Miserable when I thought about my future. I'd never know if he chose me or if I was nothing more than his reward for being a wolf. I wanted to understand what it was like to love and be loved. And when I noticed Quil sitting there on First Beach contemplating the fact he'd be better off dead. Quil – the only one who was excited to become a wolf. Who didn't look at it as something that had stolen the life they wanted. Who looked at it as the blessing the elders kept preaching it was…"

"He actually thought…said that," Embry asked softly.

"You should talk to him about it; I really shouldn't have said anything because it wasn't my secret to share. It's after that I decided everything we'd been told about imprinting was wrong. There was no way the elders had it right. Otherwise Leah would've been the first pick. The fact two pack members imprinted on children and would have to wait a decade or more until they could move onto the next phase of their life was wrong. What did it mean for our future children?"

"Your feelings are in the minority," Billy stated.

"Perhaps, but they're my feelings and I'm entitled to them. I didn't come back here to mess up everyone's perfect lives. I came back because I know my own limitations. Quinn and Alex will be the first of this new pack. They will be the ones who will guide the others that follow. I won't let what happened to us, to me - happen to them. They deserve more and I'll protect them with everything I have."

There was nothing more to say. I doubted I'd change Billy's beliefs. If I did, it would mean his only son was tied to a half-vampire for nothing. Imprinting could foster deeper feelings, but I didn't think it could create them from nothing. Look at Jared and I, we'd never been like the other imprinted couples.

Getting up, I addressed them a final time, "Look I can't go back and change things and honestly I don't want to. For a long time, I thought I wasn't good enough or that I should be happy with what Fate had given me. It was through my mistakes that I discovered who I was and who I wanted to be. All I want is some assurance that they can count on you."

"Of course, Kim – that should never be in question," Leah replied.

"Good."

Turning, I walked toward the doors and pulled them open. Everything was out in the open and the weight I'd carried around for the past 17 years had lessened. I wasn't surprised when I heard the sound of footsteps hurrying to catch me. I slowed my stride; not that I needed to.

"Kim," Jared called.

I stopped in my tracks, waiting for him to say more or figure out what I could say to him.

"Look, Jared, I'm sorry. You didn't deserve what I did."

"No, I wanted to tell you that you were right. What you told them. There was always something different about our imprint. I didn't know you felt that way, too. I thought it was just me. I knew about how you felt and Sam, the elders – they said that's what we were supposed to be."

I had to know because it had been on my mind for years. "Did you know?"

"I suspected. You're good at lying, but not that good," he answered, a faint smile curving his lips.

I felt the heat of a blush stain my cheeks as I replied, "Good. I mean not that I wanted to hurt you, but I always thought it was cruel that imprinting would allow me to do something like that. So, you and Beth?"

He nodded. The smile on his face growing as it became the one I remembered from the days I'd been fascinated with him. "Yeah, it was a few years after you left. She came home after being away at college and things fell into place. Ben's turning 4 this summer and in September we'll have another addition."

"Congratulations. I'm so happy for you both."

FF_9072904_32 05/05/13 1:33AM


	33. Chapter 32: Delirious

**************************************************************The Twilight Series belongs to S. Meyer, no copyright infringement is intended. I'm just playing with the characters.**

**************************************************************AN: Sorry about the delay again. Honestly, you'd think I was abandoning everything, but I've rarely been on my computer the past week. I'm hoping to get back into the groove this week and start updating this regularly and finish up some of those pesky WIPs I have too.**

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**Delirious (adjective) of, relating to, or characteristic of delirium (distraught) agitated with doubt or mental conflict or pain**

We walked side-by-side out of the tribal center and tried to talk about safe topics. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. I spent most of the time asking him questions about Beth and their son.

Without my prompting, he shared with me that it had been years since Sam had phased and after Jake and Nessie left a bit over a decade ago – the pack had been left without a leader. It seemed once Leah was pregnant for whatever reason it cemented her and Embry's leadership. The elders didn't have a choice as all the wolves had felt a sudden and strong connection to them. They'd become the Alpha pair simply because she had always been the Alpha female and her pregnancy signaled that she'd been claimed.

Though she remained the only female to phase – at least she would be until Quinn did. And I was sure that Quinn would. At first, a part of me had wondered if she was mimicking Alex's symptoms, but there was too much evidence for that to be possible. The elders had thought the reason the pack had a female the last time was because of the number who ended up phasing. It made me wonder if there was going to be another explosion of it over the next few years.

Jared's truck was closer to the building than mine, so I said my goodbye to him there. Then I ventured over to where Quil, Quinn, and Alex stood by my SUV. Seeing the three of them together made it much easier to pick out the similarities.

Alex's hair had the slightest bit of curl to it, prompting him to wear it a bit longer. They both had his jawline and lips; the bottom lip being a bit fuller than the top. Alex would have his height for sure and I hoped Quinn would only end up an inch or two taller. Lastly, Quinn had his eyes.

"All done," Quil asked.

"For now, I guess."

I chewed my lower lip, trying to decide if I should say something now or wait. It was very possible that Embry or Jake would slip up and say something. And wasn't it better to come from me than them?

"Quinn, Alex – we're going to leave in a few minutes, but I need to talk to Quil first. So…"

"We know, we know. In the car and iPods on," Alex replied sardonically.

"It'd be so much more fun if you didn't know that we can hear almost everything," Quinn added.

"I'm sure it would be for you – but not for me. I'm sure you'll find ways to use it to your advantage just like I did. Now in, so we can get going."

The two of them climbed into the back seat of the vehicle and I watched as they dug their iPods out of the console in the back. Their movements were nearly identical as they put in their ear buds and turned the music on. They held up them up to show me the music was playing, not that my vision was good enough to tell for sure, but they were good kids. I didn't think they'd be devious enough to go through all that work – maybe in another year or two.

"So…" I began, unable to find the words to start.

"If you're worried if they listened to you or not – currently one of them is listening to angst-riddled pop music and the other has 70's rock and roll blaring. I'm not too sure about their choice in music," he teased.

I laughed, albeit a nervous one. "I was going through a stage before they were born. Either break-up songs or power ballads – I didn't realize they'd end up favoring the music they heard in the womb."

"Hmm, I guess I never thought about it. Maybe it was the gene."

"Maybe," I responded with a shrug. I'd done enough procrastinating and I needed to tell him before my one and only chance was taken away.

"Look Quil, I needed to talk to you because I think you're under the wrong impression about Quinn and Alex," I began. He opened his mouth to reply and I stopped him, "Just let me finish. The reason why I asked you to go outside with them, well there's a few reasons. The first one being Jared needed to hear what I had to say and I didn't think it was the best time to tell you."

"Don't worry about it. I get it."

"No, you don't. Quinn and Alex – they're not Jared's. They're yours – ours."

The silence was deafening as he stared at me. His facial expression was passive, revealing nothing of his feelings. At that moment, I hated how good an actor he'd become during our stolen time together. It had effectively kept our relationship secret, but I wanted – needed to know what he was thinking.

"Did you know?" he asked curtly.

"Before I left? I knew about a month before. Things weren't always regular with my cycle, so I was around 10 weeks or so when I went to the doctor."

"And you didn't think you should say something to me? Not even, 'by the way, I'm pregnant but don't worry I'm skipping town, so you don't have to take any responsibility'," his anger finally evident with his words.

"What difference would it have made? You'd already decided it was getting to be too difficult. Between the pressures from your grandfather, the pull you felt toward Claire and the worry about what would happen if we were found out. I did what I thought was best for you, me, and them. You know how I felt about imprinting. Should I have tried to pass them off as Jared's and end up miserable? Or come clean and let you deal with the wrath of the elders and the pack?"

"You could have said something!" his tone loud and furious.

"But I didn't." I replied softly. "I can't change what I decided. And like I already told them inside – I wouldn't change what I did. None of it. Had I not left when I did, I don't think my life would've turned out the way it did. I went back to school, so that I could provide a good life for my… _our_ kids. Renee and Phil – they helped and supported us when we needed it. I learned how to be happy and not rely on someone else for it. And I think if you take the time to look, you'll see that they are two good kids who don't blame you for any of it. That both of them are eager to get to know you and have a relationship with you."

"So, basically you left here and created a family by taking Bella's spot." he surmised sarcastically.

"No. I never tried to take her spot in Renee's life. If Bella doesn't have a place anymore it's her own fault! I'm not going to argue semantics with you. All I wanted to do was tell you before someone else did. You deserved to hear it from me."

"Well, then you deserve to hear this from me. You know that measly note you sent to your parents?"

I nodded, heat rushing to my face as I reddened in shame.

"They never got it. You know why? Because while we were still looking for you – they died on their way to Portland where they'd gotten a tip that you might be there. They never knew that you were safe or alive – nothing. Instead, their last memories were tainted with grief."

He didn't give me a chance to respond as the moment he'd finished his impassioned speech, he turned and walked away. We'd been back for under a week and the one thing I'd promised Renee I'd do besides for staying in contact with her was that I was going to talk to my own parents. Now I couldn't even do that.

I was appalled at what I'd done. They hadn't been the best parents, but they'd raised and cared for me for 19 years. It had been my decision to leave though I'd never given thought to what would happen after I was gone. The fact they searched for me was a given, but how was I to reconcile the fact my parents had died believing I was well and truly gone.

FF_9072904_33 05/12/13 5:33AM


	34. Chapter 33: Morality

**************************************************************The Twilight Series belongs to S. Meyer, no copyright infringement is intended. I'm just playing with the characters.**

* * *

**Morality (noun) a moral [of or relating to principles of right and wrong in behavior] discourse, statement, or lesson**

I stood there numbness creeping over me. My stomach churning as bile burned my throat. _What had I done?_ An intense urge to find a priest and confess my sins, begging for forgiveness and penance in the same breath shot through me.

With a trembling hand, I opened the door to my vehicle. My body was on auto-pilot as I got in, turned the key, starting it. Without realizing it I drove to First Beach – the end of our world - where we fell into the abyss.

I hadn't said a word to either of my kids. I heard their concerned voices, but I couldn't make sense of the words. It was all jumbled in my mind like I was trying to hear underwater. I just followed the pull in my heart and head which lead me to the small out-cropping of rocks on the side of the beach.

This was a place I'd come a million times before to think. As I tried to sort out the mess in my head – my life and find the balance I was lacking. It had been were things had begun and ended for Quil and I all those years ago. The cool ocean breeze with its salty tang had breathed life back into us when we'd been hopeless.

Who knows how long I would have sat there had I not been interrupted. Later I'd realize how scary it was that my kids couldn't reach me. But they didn't know me like the pack had. It was daunting how well we got to know each other. Nothing like living around the wolves who shared a collective mind, but their enhanced senses put them at an advantage because they'd smell your tears before they fell or hear your heart beating wildly out of control.

"So…not talking to me? Here I'd thought we'd gotten along fine."

"Huh?" I muttered, confused. My vision blurred with the tears I was trying to hold inside.

"I've been calling your name for at least 5 minutes. I've already met your kids. I didn't believe Leah at first when she said you returned."

The voice's owner finally making sense to my synapses as his face came into view. He'd been so young when I'd left. A boy in a man's body – though he hadn't filled out completely. Seth Clearwater - the happy-go-lucky kid who had some innate ability to let things roll off of him. The rest of us had been busy making angst-filled drama llamas and he was staring at the silver lining on every black cloud.

"Wow, you're not so little anymore, are you," I joked.

"Nope, not exactly. So why are you out here looking like someone kicked your puppy? You've got the two of them pretty worried," he finished, jerking a finger over to Quinn and Alex who were on the far side of the beach.

"Trying to find a way to atone for all the horrible things I'm responsible for."

"How's that going?"

"Not so well. What are you doing here?" I asked out of curiosity as I remembered Charlie mentioning that Seth was finishing his residency.

"I was able to swing a few days extra days off and thought I'd come and see if the pack needed any help. I think it's been ages since we've spotted a vampire, so not that many of us still phase. I do, but that's mostly because Leah's not big on using Skype to stay in touch. Quil's been trying to stop. Jake's got no choice as long as he wants a life with Nessie."

His grimace was so quick, I'd nearly missed it. I patiently waited for him to continue.

"Leah and Embry still can and do from time to time. And I guess either Ryan or Scott do…maybe both. I'm not sure, but they moved to Tacoma so they wouldn't be much help."

"Seems like for being nearly 2,000 miles away – you're still up on all the gossip."

"Actually it's just over 1,300 miles if I drive – never figured out a good way to calculate the distance running as a wolf," he retorted with a grin.

"You've run it?"

"Of course, granted it was a bet. You know Embry and Jared used to bet each other all the time. The two of them got me roped into it, too. But you're prevaricating, you gonna tell me what's wrong?"

I snorted at his use of a fancy word to describe the fact I was stalling and his improper speech only two words later.

"What's that – your word of the day?"

"Hardly, now spill."

The entire sordid story fell from my lips. Everything that I'd suddenly begun to question about the choices I'd made. The right and wrongness I had to make them; the way I'd hurt everyone and let them down. How I'd foolishly thought I could run from this and my inexpressible feelings about my kids experiencing what I viewed as a curse.

The entire time I talked, Seth listened. Every now and then, he'd ask for clarification. His facial expression showed his interest and not once did he look upset at what I said.

"I think that's everything," I finished with a wry smile. "I'm sure I'll think of something tonight when I try to fall asleep and it will keep me awake all night."

"Probably, but do you want to know what I think?"

"Maybe…I don't know…I guess."

"I'm not going to weigh in on the rightness or wrongness of your choices because if I've learned anything – it's there are many shades of grey. Sure, so people think things would've been different had you made a different choice or they would've acted differently, but the truth is – hindsight is 20/20. We can all look at our past and see where we went 'wrong.' Your answer will always be found in the reasons behind your choice. If you can truly believe those decisions were made with good intent, then there's no use quibbling over what you could or should've done."

"It's easy for you to say."

"It is, but don't forget I lived in Leah's head for more years than either of us care to remember. Before her and Embry started…umm...dating – we'll call it that – she was a literal and figurative bitch. And who wouldn't be? She got screwed over by Sam, our parents, the tribe, and the spirits. She deserved to have her angsty girl moments."

"That's true," I replied with a nod. That was one thing without a doubt if I could do it all over again, I'd do. I'd find a way to meet Leah where she was at and even if I couldn't help her find peace – I'd be a friend.

"You and I both know how much the elders cling to the traditions. How scared they are to admit they might've been wrong. You and Jared showed them that there was bullshit in their whole speech about a wolf needing their imprint to survive. Sure, he was messed up for a bit, but who wouldn't be if their girlfriend of a few years just up and left without a word. The fact he got over it and found Beth and loves her and their son – I've seen his feelings and they're as strong as any imprint."

"Leah and Embry – you don't even want to know the storm that created," Seth began. "After Harry was born, Quil and I flew with them to Vegas and they were hitched by Elvis. They had another ceremony here a few months later, but it took a lot of convincing to get the elders to budge. The elders were too worried what might happen if either imprinted, but they both swore they'd fight it."

"But look at all the ones who didn't or couldn't…"

"So what," he said with a shrug. "The fact you and Quil managed to fall in love and be together – despite imprinting – well, it gives the rest of us hope that we do have a choice. That we've always had a choice. And here's some food for thought, you know who had the hardest time after you left?"

He paused before continuing, "Not even his imprint could make him feel better. Some of us suspected, but he was a closed book on it. He and Jake are the only two who'd have the biggest fight because the last thing they wanted to do was disappoint the men who were trying to live through them. Had my dad lived, maybe Leah and I would have the same issue, but in a way I doubt it."

**AN: Drama llamas is curteousy of my friend Karamelkat, but personally I like angst-filled drama llamas even more. ;D**

FF_9072904_34 05/12/13 5:35AM


	35. Chapter 34: Monster

**************************************************************The Twilight Series belongs to S. Meyer, no copyright infringement is intended. I'm just playing with the characters.**

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**Monster (noun) an animal of strange or terrifying shape; something monstrous (having the qualities or appearance of a monster): especially: a person of unnatural or extreme ugliness, deformity, wickedness, or cruelty**

It was amazing the clarity I had after talking with Seth. My choices – the decisions I'd made had been to spare us all the heartache and shame we would've encountered. This way, Quil didn't disappoint his grandfather because as far as Old Quil knew he was happy with his imprint.

Quinn and Alex didn't have to suffer the shame of being bastard children or hear their mother called a whore. It was shocking how early the bullying and teasing could start. Embry had been lucky to have two good friends whose families were respected tribal elders. There were still people who whispered horrible, rotten things about him and his mom, but it wasn't as bad as it could be.

It was with a lighter heart that I drove home; explaining to them that I'd needed a moment. I told them as much as I felt comfortable saying. It wasn't the complete truth, but it was close enough.

I had to stop making myself out to be some type of monster. I needed to stop making the elders, Sam, Fate, and every other thing I'd blamed into the same thing. Life happened whether we wanted it to or not. It was a constant cycle.

Too often I'd spent time wondering how and why the sun rose each day or the constant nature of the cosmos. I'd forgotten to stop and enjoy the sunrise or the vastness of the universe; soaking in the beauty that surrounded me each and every day. The key to living without regrets was to cherish the moments you'd been given and the people in your life.

It was after supper that I realized my freak-out had affected Quinn and Alex deeper than I first noticed. Quinn's agitation was palpable. The look of worry on her face tore at my heart. Even Alex's presence did nothing to calm her.

Her brown eyes brimmed with tears as she looked at me, "Mom, what's going to happen? What if they don't agree with you? I don't want it – I don't want to have someone picked for me. I want a choice."

I got up from the chair I'd been sitting in and walked over to her, taking a seat next to her on the sofa. How I wished she was still a little girl – small enough that I could carry her away from all the hurt and scariness of the world.

"Quinn, honey – you can't spend your life worrying about something that hasn't happened or might not ever happen. It doesn't matter what Billy thinks or believes. I will always be the first person to stand up for you and fight with you."

"But…but what if I can't fight it? What then," she asked, her voice and body trembling as fear coursed through her.

I tried to find the words to comfort her, but they couldn't come to me fast enough. It was a question that had never been answered. Quil had been the only one who tried to fight it that I knew of. He'd stopped because it had become too much – living a double life, the disappointment he knew would be in Old Quil's eyes, and the worry of how everyone would react. And somewhere there'd been a concern he'd never expressed, but I knew it had to do with Claire.

What if I was the abnormal imprint? The one who didn't feel a pull to their wolf, but the others did? Could he really destroy and break a child's heart – one that his gaze had pulled into all this?

With my silence, Quinn's trembling and agitation increased. Her anxious voice rose to fill the room, reverberating against the walls. The words no longer made sense, incoherent as she tried to deal with her worries.

I realized this was it – the moment I'd tried to delay for so long. Quinn's terror spilled over to Alex, further preventing me from being able to reach her and pull her back to safety. Did it even matter anymore? I could only fight the inevitable for so long and the longer it was delayed; the more the fear and anxiety would grow until it overwhelmed us all.

I grabbed her hand, pulling her upward and toward the sliding glass door in the living room. My words and directions were short and easy to follow. She struggled against me, but not as much as I expected her to. Maybe there was some self-preservation still intact. The wolf – _hers_ – knowing this wasn't the best place to phase or perhaps, I was just lucky, who knows?

Within moments, I had her outside and we were practically running to the woods behind our house. Her body blurred and trembled and unlike Alex's earlier anger and near phase, I wasn't scared. This was why I'd been born and later drafted into this crazy world. To guide these two children – mine and Quil's – through their journey to protectors.

As we crossed the threshold of the forest, I let her hand go and backed away. My heart constricting as she fought against what was happening. I'd never seen any of them phase for the first time, but I'd heard them describe it.

The confusion and pain which ran through their bodies like an inferno. The drive to give in which warred with their self-preservation and their fear of what they were becoming. The stretching of their bodies and shifting of bones as their forms realigned and rewrote their fundamental programming.

"Quinn, please, baby girl, just let go," I repeated over and over as I fell to the ground. "It's okay, I promise. Stop fighting."

I watched as her red-rimmed eyes and terror-stricken face crumpled. In slow motion her body lurched forward, stretching toward the heavens before it fell forward. A small and sleek, tan wolf replacing her; an agonized howl leaving its lips.

"Mom."

My head whirled around at the sound of Alex's voice. I hadn't realized he'd followed us out here. That he'd seen everything. I wondered what this would do to his induction into all this.

I heard a soft whimper, nearly a whine, which was accompanied by the sound of crackling twigs. My gaze swung back to Quinn's wolf. Her paws worrying the ground as she struggled with the desire to run – it was the last thing I wanted her to do. I didn't want her to be hurt or scared and I needed her to stay here until I could call someone to help.

"Alex, stay there," I commanded.

I stood, dusting off my jeans and cautiously made my way toward to Quinn. My eyes focused on hers, my stance neutral, and my words soft. When I reached her, I held my hand out in front of me, giving her the opportunity to take in my scent and showing I wasn't a threat.

Her cold, wet nose nudged my hand while her warm breath blew across my palm. She still seemed wary, but I pushed my luck and reached my other hand up and stroked her head between her ears. A purr-like sound rumbled in her throat; a definite sound of satisfaction and comfort.

"Okay, Alex, you can come closer, but move slowly," I instructed. "Quinn, you'll be alright. No one's going to hurt you."

I heard rather than saw Alex's careful and measured steps. Once he was close to her, he followed my earlier actions and gave her the time she needed to adjust. The three of us stood there in silence, wrapped in our familial feelings.

It was Alex's voice which broke the silence. As I was pulled from my thoughts I realized how dark the sky had gotten and I wondered how long we had stood out here. The night air was chilly and I shivered. Quinn moved closer to me, pressing her warm fur-covered body around mine.

"Mom, is…Quinn wants to know…is she a monster now?"

A single tear leaked from my eye as I shook my head in disbelief. "No, honey – you're nothing of the sort. You have no idea how beautiful and special you are in both your forms. And anyone who would say anything different is the true monster."

"That's what I tried to tell her."

"What?!" I turned and stared at him, unsure whether to believe or discount his statement. "You still can…" the words trailed off into the night. There wasn't a way to ask the thousands of questions which his statement roused.

"Of course, why wouldn't I?"

FF_9072904_35 05/12/13 5:37AM


	36. Chapter 35: Instinct

******************************************************************The Twilight Series belongs to S. Meyer, no copyright infringement is intended. I'm just playing with the characters.**

******************************************************************AN: I'm not quite sure why, but I don't know if you any of you got an alert for the chapters I posted earlier, so hopefully one goes out with this one. Chaps 32-34, along with this are up. Sorry for the delay, but enjoy!  
**

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**Instinct (noun) a natural or inherent aptitude, impulse, or capacity**

I'd be off my rocker to think their telepathy would change just because Quinn wasn't currently a human – or was, but in a different form. Their connection ran deeper than I knew I'd ever be able to discover, much less understand.

I didn't think anyone would unless Paul and Rachel's twin boys ended up with the same connection. It seemed theirs could potentially be even stronger given the Black blood running through their veins and the fact they were identical. They'd become two separate beings from a single conception.

"Will you stay here with Quinn? I need to call one of the pack so they can help her."

"Yeah, I'll stay. Should I…"

His question floated in the air. I understood what he was asking and I wasn't sure how it would work. I'd always understood the first phase took a strong emotion – anger, frustration, or upset. This would be a first, someone phasing because they choose to.

Absentmindedly, I nodded and shook my head at the same time. I didn't know how to answer. I didn't want to possibly upset Quinn by saying it wasn't possible or that it might not work. Instead, I started to walk back toward the house.

Once I reached the sliding glass door, I noticed that it had been closed. In my haste, I hadn't stopped to do it and I was glad that Alex had the forethought to do so. Who knows what type of creatures may have found our home a nice place to make their own.

My cell phone sat silent on the kitchen counter and I picked it up. As the screen came to life, I realized that I hadn't asked anyone for their numbers. The only number I had in my phone was Charlie's. It would have to do.

After several rings, Charlie's sleepy voice answered. "I'm so sorry, Charlie. I didn't mean…want to wake you. I need a number and I thought maybe you'd have it…"

"So it happened? Huh, and there's been no sightings yet of giant wolves in downtown Forks – wow – I've got to hand it to you, Kim. You're the model for mothers with teenage werewolves."

I gasped in shock. It was the first time Charlie had actually spoken aloud about what he knew. Before I could respond, he continued.

"I'll give you Leah and Embry's number. They're the ones who usually need to know all the "need-to-know" business first. Got a pen?"

I dug around in one of the kitchen drawers and found a pen along with a takeout menu for a Chinese place in Florida. I guess we hadn't gone through things as well as I'd thought when we had packed. Charlie rattled the number off to me and wished me luck before hanging up.

I dialed the number which was almost familiar. The area and city code the same as they'd been 15 years ago. This time the phone barely rang before it was picked up. Leah's soft voice answered.

"Leah, it's Kim. Do you think either you or Embry could come over? Quinn phased."

"That's what that was. We'd wondered," she confessed. "Embry had phased quite a bit ago, but didn't sense her once he was wolf. She's still phased…didn't phase back, did she?"

"No. She's in the woods behind our house – I think she's calm enough that she won't run, but I know I can't help her change back."

I could hear Embry's voice in the background. Leah's hand must have come to cover the receiver as their conversation was muffled. I wished they'd hurry up and decide who was coming and when. I hated to leave the two of them outside alone. Finally when I was just about ready to interrupt, Leah spoke again.

"Alright, I'm coming over and I'll bring Seth with me. Alex didn't phase yet?"

"No, but he saw Quinn so I don't know if that will delay his or not."

"Maybe," she answered, her voice filled with uncertainty. There was more noise as she attempted, but failed to cover the receiver again. Her words to Embry were clearly heard.

"I don't know. I'll see how close he is… We'll be fine – someone's got to make sure the kids get up in the morning.".

"Where's your house?" Leah asked me.

I gave her the address and she assured me that they'd be here within in the next 20 minutes. After hanging up with her, I went to Quinn's room and grabbed her some clothes. I also stopped in my room and found a sweatshirt before heading back outside. A glance at the clock told me it was already after midnight.

The lateness of the hour caused me to yawn. I'd barely slept the last two nights and it didn't seem sleep was in my future either. It reminded me of the early days when I'd first brought Quinn and Alex home. Having Renee and Phil had been a lifesaver as I don't know how I would have done it without them. Overall, they were good babies – but they were on completely opposite schedules. When one was sleeping the other was awake and vice versa. It had taken months to get them to follow the same pattern.

I couldn't completely describe my thoughts or feelings when I reached the woods behind our house. I still hadn't let go of my preconceived notions about what should happen. So, it was with a sense of ambivalence that I stared into the darkness, my eyes following the wolf I knew as Quinn and a darker wolf – who looked nearly black, but I knew was closer to his father's chocolate color.

They appeared to fighting, but I knew it was all in jest. Those years of Phil rough-housing with them led me to believe that weren't at each other's throats yet. I wondered why their instincts were so strong. Alex had asked if he should phase, but I'd never expected him to be able to. Was it their connection as twins that gave them an advantage? Or was it the fact they were prepared ahead of time? It would be an interesting question to find the answer to as more of the pack children joined them.

A stampede of paws running toward us pulled me from my musing. I focused my attention on Quinn and Alex who'd paused in their mock fighting. Before my eyes, Alex shimmered as his body transformed back into his human one. I covered my eyes with my hand at the same moment I reprimanded him. I hadn't seen him in his birthday suit for nearly a decade and I wasn't eager to change that fact.

"Alex! You realize you're buck naked, don't you?"

"Yeah, mom, that's the pack coming, right? Aren't we supposed to be able to hear them?"

"I think so, but it might be different – Leah and Seth will help you two… How'd you figure out how to change back?"

I could almost hear the shrug of his shoulders as he replied, "Don't know. Just came to me. Quinn would or I think she can, but she doesn't want to cause of the nakedness."

I snorted at his words, "Your sister has a natural reaction to being nude in front of you and me. You are your father's son," I finished shaking my head in disbelief.

It had been a struggle at first to get the pack to wear at least a pair of cutoff shorts. Then Leah and Seth phased – finally, I could pretend that I hadn't seen every member of the pack in the buff. Some of them seemed to enjoy making Emily and I blush – Paul in particular was one.

The noise of running paws stopped and then there was a rustling sound before the distinct pattern of human movement. My eyes had grown accustomed to the darkness and I slowly removed my hand; sighing in relief that Alex had at least pulled on his boxers.

"I'd ask what's going on, but I'm not sure I want to know," Leah stated dryly as she took in the scene.

Quinn in wolf form, my half-naked son, and likely the continued high color of my cheeks; it was just another day in a werewolf's mom's life.

"Well, to answer your earlier question – Alex can phase just fine. Says Quinn could probably phase back too, but she's embarrassed by the nakedness."

"Hmm… You got clothes for her?" Leah asked.

I nodded, handing her the small bundle.

Seth turned to my kids and remarked, "Are you two ready to learn a bit more about being a wolf?"

They both nodded eagerly. Quinn ambled over to Leah's side and I was grateful that Leah was there. It would make Quinn's transition easier. Too bad I hadn't given a thought to how hard it had been for Leah all those years ago, but I had time to make up for it now.

"Kim, why don't you go to bed," Seth suggested. "Leah and I can figure out the communication piece and we'll bring them back in a couple of hours."

I didn't need to be told twice. I watched for a few minutes as Leah and Seth took them under their tutelage before turning and heading into the house. I'd leave the sliding door unlocked. Those extra dinners that we had made up were going to come in handy sooner than I thought.

FF_9072904_36 05/12/13 10:19PM


	37. Chapter 36: Insanity

**********************************************************************The Twilight Series belongs to S. Meyer, no copyright infringement is intended. I'm just playing with the characters.**

**********************************************************************AN: We are nearing the end. Two chaps after this and the epilogue. They are all very lengthy, so I'm hoping they'll make up for this smaller update.**

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**Insanity (noun) something utterly foolish or unreasonable**

Within a few weeks, Quinn and Alex had settled into their new role. The communication issue had been corrected as soon as Leah and Embry handed the leadership over to them. Harry would eventually take the role of Alpha or even one of Paul and Rachel's twins, but for now this was the way things were meant to be.

Together the new and old packs formed a kinship. All of the members that still phased passed their knowledge onto Quinn and Alex. Though they allowed them to make mistakes too – it wasn't just the vast knowledge that was important, it was learning how to act and react when a new situation presented itself.

Even Quil came around though it took longer than I thought it would. Despite him starting a relationship with the twins, he barely said two words to me, but I expected that. There was still a lot of baggage we carried from our shared past. The only time we talked was to work out a schedule for the kids; two times during the week and every other weekend they spent time at Quil and Claire's house.

Several times a week I talked to Renee and kept her updated on the kids. They emailed her infrequently and I often had to remind them of the promise we'd made. They also subconsciously drifted toward Charlie. I think it had to do with the need to have _"normal"_ people in their lives.

As spring waned into early summer, we'd settled into a routine. With the threat of vampires practically zero, Quinn and Alex patrolled for a few hours every couple of days. The Cullens had for once been helpful and had been able to expose the kids to vampires. Even more helpful was the fact that after all her years of self-control – Bella had slipped, fallen, and stumbled off the wagon.

Her eyes were a blood red color from the human blood she'd ingested. It seemed she'd encountered a_"family of singers"_ and the Cullens hadn't been able to stop her from draining the whole kit and caboodle. According to the pack, her stench was perfect for leaving a trail for the kids to follow and learn about tracking and hunting down a vampire. If only one of them would have been allowed to tear a limb or two off – then I could say we'd gotten our justice.

With summer came the bonfires – it was a tradition we had for so long as we celebrated milestones in the pack's lives. So, once Leah and Embry deemed Quinn and Alex _"graduated"_ from wolf school there was one held for them. All the pack members attended, even the ones who now lived out of state.

It was at the celebratory bonfire that Alex met his soul mate. His gaze locked onto Sarah Lahote and didn't waver for the entire night. Quinn stormed off angrily and Alex didn't even notice her disappearance. It was like 2005 all over again. Despite Claire's heavily-pregnant state, Quil went after our daughter while I dragged Alex by his ear over to the table where Paul and Rachel sat with their children.

Jake was nearby with Nessie and the two of them scooped up Paul and Rachel's twin boys and brought them over to their table. "Sit," I commanded, pointing to a chair.

"It'd be easier if you let go of my ear," Alex whined.

"And it'd be easier if you kept your eyes focused on the ground, but what's done is done."

I hadn't felt this angry for months, but the look on Quinn's face had done me in. Alex had done the unthinkable and while I knew it wasn't his fault – it still had the power to hurt. I hadn't wanted this for either of them, but I could accept the reason behind the imprint. Alex was one of the acting Alphas and Sarah had Black blood running through her veins. She was the closest link to Ephraim Black.

"Paul, Rachel – it's nice to see you again. And Sarah, I don't think we've met formally," I greeted, putting on my nicest smile.

"Kim, do you really think this is necessary?" Paul asked as though he already knew the direction of my thoughts.

"Yes, I do," I stated firmly. This wasn't the time to back down from the beliefs I'd built up in the 15-odd years since I'd left. It was time to embrace them.

"Now, I understand this can be a confusing thing, but I'm going to make it very simple for you. Despite what some believe – imprinting is not about finding your soul mate. It is you being what the imprint needs and I doubt that Sarah needs a lover but I'm sure she could use a big brother or friend. She does not need a boyfriend, is that understood?"

"But, mom – it's not like that," Alex protested. "I just…"

"I know what you just – but before you settle down with one person, you need to interact with others. You have your whole life ahead of you to be a grown-up and make grown-up decisions. Be a kid. How are going to wow Sarah with your kiss – if you are the one and only she's ever kissed?"

"Mom! I don't want to talk about this with you! You're embarrassing me!"

"I'll bet Paul and Rachel would agree. Had Rachel met Paul when he was younger, she would've run for the hills. The time before they met gave them time to learn who they were."

"Kim's right," Rachel agreed softly. "Sarah, honey, I love your dad more than anything and I know he loves me, too – but I'm glad we met when we did."

"Is that why Quinn ran off," Sarah asked softly.

Of course, Alex couldn't be bothered with thoughts of his sister until now. All because it was his imprint's lips that had formed the name. I wanted to shake my fists at the heavens and spew a few choice profanities, but I held back.

"Quinn's gone?"

I nodded, replying, "Yes, your dad went after her. You know how scared she is – having her choices taken away. So if you're not willing to do it for me, then do it for her. I know she won't always be first in your life, but she has been for so many years. She still needs you."

FF_9072904_37 05/14/13 2:30AM


	38. Chapter 37: Epiphany

**************************************************************************The Twilight Series belongs to S. Meyer, no copyright infringement is intended. I'm just playing with the characters.**

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**Epiphany (noun) a usually sudden manifestation or perception of the essential nature or meaning of something (2): an intuitive grasp of reality through something (as an event) usually simple and striking (3): an illuminating discovery, realization, or disclosure**

My heart-to-heart with Sarah and Alex had worked wonders. Alex spent time with Sarah, but was sure to include Quinn. And Sarah welcomed Quinn as the sister she'd never had. The worried look in Quinn's eyes faded over the next few weeks.

Claire was edging ever closer to her due date and Quil was nervous as first-time fathers were wont to be. I couldn't count him as an experienced father as he'd missed out when Quinn and Alex had been born. I was proud of them and how helpful they were to Claire when they were at their house. I didn't even argue when they were insistent on staying over on days that weren't even Quil's.

_I'd had nearly 16 years with them, so what did a few extra nights here and there matter?_

It was a sunny day in late June when I realized how important those extra moments had been. As a respiratory therapist, I worked all over the hospital. I gave breathing treatments and assessed patients in the ED, pediatric, and adult wards. The small ICU occasionally had patients on ventilators and I was responsible for monitoring and adjusting those too.

I was making my rounds in the ED when the intercom crackled to life, "Trauma Response 5 minutes. Trauma Response 5 minutes."

The announcement signified that a patient or patients were arriving via ambulance. Most likely they were a motor vehicle accident or a pedestrian versus car – neither were a pretty sight. I stationed myself near the stabilization room – STAB room for short – not knowing whether I'd be needed to secure an airway.

The worst part about living in a small community was the fact you knew nearly everyone. It was likely a neighbor or friend who could be pushed through the ambulance bay doors on a gurney. My gut twisted, the urge to vomit hit me like a freight train. _Please let this not be one of those days._

I'd never been lucky and today was one of those days that proved it. The gurney rolled in, the small face barely visible underneath the blue tarp-like sheet which was used underneath the patient and then wrapped around them for warmth. The huge rounded belly seemed unnatural for the small stature of the person, but I knew it was exactly how I was picturing it.

Claire.

I didn't have words – my thoughts and body frozen. I'd responded to tragedies dozens of times, but this was one that I didn't know what to do. She was so young and vibrant – yet she lay there with her eyes red-rimmed and tear tracks staining her face. Fear evident on her features.

Her hand gripped her abdomen and she moaned loudly. Without asking the question, I recognized the gesture. The accident had sent her into labor; it was early but not too early. I wracked my brain for the information I'd heard in passing. She was 36…no 35 weeks now.

"Kim." It was Embry's voice that broke through my stupor. I glanced at him, back to Claire, and back again. I'm sure the look on my face mirrored his. This was the last thing we needed after all the drama of the past few months.

"Where's Quil?" I asked quietly.

"He's out in the waiting room. He wasn't in the accident, but he felt it when she was hurt. Do you remember how far along she is?"

"35 weeks."

He nodded. I knew he was doing the same calculations in his head that I'd already done. Lung development was the biggest obstacle we faced after the trauma. Mortality rate was down to 10% if she delivered now, but it wasn't as low if this hadn't happened or if it was a few weeks later.

Embry moved into action, his role as a STAB nurse had him organizing the team at the same time he completed an assessment on Claire.

"We've got a 35 week primigravida in obvious labor following a MVA with airbag deployment. We need to get her to CT to rule out any serious bleeding or injuries before taking her to OR. Heather, I need you to call the blood bank for O negative to have on hand until we get a Type and Cross. Rob, call the OR and have them get a room ready for a STAT section."

His tone calm and reassuring as addressed Claire finally, "Claire, we're going to need to get the baby out. It's better for you both if we deliver him, do you understand?"

She nodded in acquiescence and he continued, "Is there anywhere that seems to hurt more than another spot?"

"No…no…I don't think so. It hurts to take a deep breath and the contractions too," her voice cracked slightly as she spoke.

"Kim, what's her O2 sats at?"

"92% - I'd like to see her higher. I think we should put her on a mask at 100% oxygen. It's better for both of them," I replied as I grabbed the supplies from the cabinet.

I hooked the tubing up the oxygen tank and then placed the mask over Claire's face. "Claire, I know it hurts, but I need you to take nice deep breaths. Until the baby's out we need you to provide him with lots of oxygen. Can you do that for me?"

She jerked her head in a single nod and then we were off. First we went to CT where the radiologist read her scans as they were being completed. It was the last thing recommended in pregnancy, but if we didn't get the extent of Claire's injuries, we'd be blind once we were in the OR delivering the baby.

Her CT was essentially clean, nothing that we needed to address in the OR. It seemed for lack of a better phrase that it would be smooth sailing. Her oxygen levels despite the additional oxygen weren't as good as they should be, but her contractions were pretty regular. It was understandable that she'd have difficulty taking deep breaths.

Normally I didn't go to OR, the anesthesiologists took care of their own patients, but I was currently the only RT with any neonatal experience. Embry's case was similar; he worked as a nurse in the emergency department or the ICU, but he felt it was necessary that he stayed with Claire. No one argued as the two of scrubbed up and then donned OR attire.

An infant warmer was waiting in the corner of the OR. Within seconds, we had Claire moved to the table and onto her side, so the spinal anesthetic could be given. The anesthesiologist and obstetrician had argued about whether a general or local was better – it seemed the OB had won. While they waited for the spinal to take effect, a few additional medications were given in anticipation of pain or discomfort during the procedure.

Embry and I stationed ourselves by Claire's head. Her hand weakly grasped mine and I leaned down to whisper a few words of encouragement in her ear. The sound of the drape being pulled up to cover her lower body had a shiver rolling down my spine. My eyes met Embry's and I noticed his lips were moving, but I couldn't hear what he was saying.

Most likely he was praying to the same spirits which had blessed and cursed us all these years. I sent a prayer or three heavenward. One for Claire, one for the baby, and lastly, one for Quil – who knows how he'd react…

_I couldn't even finish the thought._

The whir and beeping of machines with the soft and direct tones of the staff filled the uncomfortable silence. There was a splash of liquid hitting the floor as the amniotic sac was pierced. I knew from experience it would be only another moment or two before we'd hear the cry of the baby.

The cry never came. Though I knew the baby had as I watched a nurse and the pediatrician hover over the warmer. The nurse's words low as she remarked, "Apgar 5. He's got a weak pulse and his breathing's irregular – think he needs to be tubed?"

I felt pulled in their direction. The baby needed me. It was only the soft squeeze of Claire's hand in mine that stopped me from walking over. Glancing back at her face, I saw she was trying to tell me something, but I couldn't hear it. Her voice was too faint. I leaned further down and she grabbed the mask, pulling it from her face.

"Jonathan…his…name's…Jonathan…"

Within seconds her color changed, a dusky tone over-taking her. Her hand limply fell toward the ground. The heart monitor's shrill alarm was activated as her pulse dropped to nothing.

I was torn. Torn between doing what I could for her and for the baby. I had to make a choice. I was the only RT who had worked with neonates. It had been only a year of my career, but it was like riding a bike. I knew exactly what needed to be done.

I walked over to Jonathan and took over the situation, suctioning his tiny lungs several times until a lusty cry was heard. His color wasn't great and his breathing was faster than what it should be. I reached into the drawer and found a tiny nasal cannula. I slipped the prongs into his nose and secured the tubing to his cheeks.

Within moments the additional oxygen had perked him up. The nurse and pediatrician continued their assessment of him. As the minutes passed, he seemed like he'd be just fine. His cries had quieted to whimpers; understandable with all the poking and prodding that was being done.

Without warning, the flurry of activity in the room came to a standstill. Even Jonathan's quiet whimpers stopped. Without turning around, I felt it in my bones – we'd lost Claire. The how's and why's couldn't be answered. It was the cycle of life. We were born, we lived, and we died.

I also realized in that moment that Quil would be able to feel this too. He wouldn't know that his son was okay – all he'd know is Claire was gone. The picture of him on First Beach contemplating his death flashed in my mind.

"Embry," I gasped, turning to him. Terror laced my calling of his name. "I need…get me a portable O2 tank."

He didn't question me; instead, he walked out of the OR to find one. I glanced down at the baby – Jonathan – and hoped he'd be enough to pull Quil from the edge. I tore at the offending OR attire until I was only in my scrubs. I'd worn a snap-front top and I was grateful for my foresight.

Unsnapping the top, the protest of my co-workers didn't faze me as I snatched Jonathan from the warmer and placed him on my chest at the same moment Embry came back in with an O2 tank.

"I grabbed a warm blanket too," he said as he unfolded it and wrapped it around us; effectively covering my bare chest and keeping the baby warmer. Before anyone could protest, Embry and I were out the door.

My arms holding him close while Embry pushed the portable tank along. I sent another prayer to gods and this time I ordered them to listen. I didn't want to be responsible for two deaths. One was enough.

I knew I hadn't killed Claire, but I'd been there and powerless to stop it. It was too hard to not feel guilty. Had we not returned or returned later after she'd safely delivered. Who knew what impact our arrival had on her stress level?

We'd barely reached the waiting room when I felt the change in atmosphere. A storm was brewing. The scene was worse than I'd imagined. Jared and Paul were holding Quil back. Alex was trying his best to Alpha order his father into submission, but it wasn't working.

Half of the Forks General staff along with security officers and what looked to be the local police were loitering in the waiting room. None of them looked like they knew what to do. I hoped what I was going to do was the right thing.

I strode forward so that I was right in front of Quil. My voice calm and firm, "Quil, sit down."

He glanced at me – the rage clearing for a second before he returned to resisting the grip they had on him. I repeated my words again; this time adding to it.

"Sit down now!" My louder words and the rumbling of my chest had Jonathan stirring. A tiny squawk came from him. The sound perked Quil's attention and he sat.

"Shirt off." Again my words were simple and easy to follow. A few raised eyebrows accompanied my statement along with some protests.

"Kim, I don't think…" Paul interjected.

"Shut it, Paul," I barked before addressing Quil again, "Quil – that wasn't a request."

He slid his tee-shirt over his head and continued to gaze at me curiously. I motioned for Embry to help as I reached under the blanket to get a good hold on Jonathan. Once I felt he was secure, I nodded to Embry so that he could remove the blanket.

I grasped him firmly and brought him down toward Quil's chest. I settled Jonathan on Quil near his heart, turning the baby's head slightly. Then I grabbed the blanket from Embry and wrapped it around them.

"This is Jonathan," I told him. "I can't begin to understand what you're feeling, but I think Claire would want you here for him. He needs you."

"Jonathan?"

"Yes, that's what she told me his name was."

"Oh, we hadn't talked about it…" I watched as he gazed down at the tiny body of his son and his face took on a tranquility that hadn't been there moments ago. "I like it though it's a big moniker for such a tiny guy."

"It's better than Quil the sixth," I remarked jokingly.

His eyes met mine and at that moment I knew he'd be okay. They both would. It was the most inappropriate time to smile, but I couldn't help it as I grinned like a loon.

"Hey, Kim," Paul began. "I'm enjoying the show…but umm…you realize that your top's still undone."

Blushing furiously, I snapped my top together before storming off. I was never going to live the moment down. I'd broken nearly every rule the hospital had and managed to flash my children, the pack, and my co-workers along with Forks' finest.

_See, what did I tell you? I'm not lucky. _

**AN: First off, I'm sorry...I couldn't see any other way for this story to work out without this happening. In fact, this was what I saw happening the moment I started plotting this story. Secondly, I'm sure I've broken a few rules when it comes to hospital protocols and procedures, but as a work of fiction, I'm allowed to stretch the rules every now and then. Lastly, Claire's death was the result of a amniotic fluid embolism, which is a rare and incompletely understood obstetric emergency in which amniotic fluid, fetal cells, hair, or other debris enters the mother's blood stream via the placental bed of the uterus and trigger an allergic reaction (from Wikipedia). The car accident caused a small tear in the amniotic sac and uterus, which allowed the baby's cells to enter her bloodstream. Basically, the symptoms they saw: shortness of breath, decreased O2 levels, anxiety, and fetal distress were thought to be due to the trauma and sudden onset of labor versus an AFE. **

FF_9072904_38 05/15/13 6:52AM


	39. Chapter 38: Loss

******************************************************************************The Twilight Series belongs to S. Meyer, no copyright infringement is intended. I'm just playing with the characters.**

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**Loss (noun) a person or thing or an amount that is lost**

My experiences had taught me that death always came in threes. It was a phenomenon that I didn't understand, but I'd seen it countless times. Just like a full moon brought out the strangest patients and scenarios.

Claire was the first loss. I hoped she'd be the only one, but I knew we'd experience another. Who it would be – it was hard to say, but less than a week later when I stood in the group of mourners as we laid her to rest – I couldn't stop myself from gazing around and trying to decipher hidden clues that might reveal it.

Quinn and Alex were dressed in new clothes as they'd never had a need for funeral clothes and anything they had that was dressy no longer fit. They stood, one on each side of Quil, their strength helping to hold him upright as he held Jonathan in his arms. If everything that happened was meant to be – it seemed our coming home was necessary.

I don't know how he would've handled it without them. Though he had the pack, his friends, and family – he needed what I'd done that awful day. He needed a reason to stay here amongst the living. Quinn, Alex, and Jonathan gave him that.

For too many years, he'd lived with Claire being his reason for being here. Invested too much into the imprint that he'd never thought what he'd do if she wasn't there. Every decision he'd made for the past 17-plus years was made with her in mind.

_Well, maybe not all of them, but a good portion._

Claire's parents stood to the left of Quil along with her older sister Grace. Grace's husband had stayed at Quil and Claire's house with their two young daughters. Neither was sure that their kids should be exposed to death at their age.

The worst part was trying to figure out who would perform the tribal rituals and rites. Normally it was something Quil did. Billy's health was too fragile for him to do it. Jake had only recently started becoming interested in the inner workings of the tribe. In the end, Sue volunteered.

It ended up being the best resolution as she was familiar with both Makah and Quileute rituals when burying the dead. Thus, both heritages were honored. The most difficult thing for Quinn and Alex to understand was how taboo it was to say the name of the deceased.

They'd never experienced the death of someone they'd known and they felt the need to talk about Claire and while some traditions were no longer possible – this was one that was. In the past, we'd always sent our dead to the ancestors in a canoe – only the chiefs were buried and their burial place was James Island. Some tribe members still followed the strict belief that a person's belongings could hold their spirit and thus after death, everything had to be destroyed.

It was a fine balance we worked to maintain in the modern world. In all cultures it was inevitable that rituals and traditions were chipped away and that's why I had Quinn and Alex spent some time with Billy after Claire's death so that he could help foster their understanding of the traditions. He was the best person for them to learn from and ask questions.

When Quil wished to linger to say his own private and final goodbye, he handed Jonathan over to Quinn. She cradled him in her arms as she and Alex turned to walk over to me. Jonathan uttered a small cry of protest, his newborn blue eyes opening in objection at being woken from his sleep. Automatically Quinn's hand rose and ran along the downy black hair that covered his head as she shushed him.

I didn't think much of it at first as her eyes met his. A look of wonderment and unparalleled joy crossed her face before being replaced by a look of horror. Her steps quickened and Jonathan was thrust into my arms with her form quickly retreating into the darkness of the forest.

Alex leaned down and kissed my cheek before whispering in my ear, "I'll see what's going on."

I watched like everyone else gathered as Alex ran off in the same direction that Quinn had only moments before. I had the feeling that multiple sets of eyes were on me – I was the fish in a fishbowl.

"Sorry," I apologized softly. "It's a lot for them to understand and take in."

There really wasn't much else I could say. They were kids and thankfully they were being recognized as what they were. It had taken nearly 20 years, but the cycle was finally broken. The fact they turned into giant wolves to fight vampires, didn't replace the fact they still needed our guidance and protection. It would be years before they were considered adults and I was grateful for that.

The mourners ended up at Sam and Emily's where a luncheon was being held. At times like these, it was easy to see how interconnected we all were. Leah and Emily were second cousins. Claire was Emily's niece. Even without the pack to tie us together – we had our connections by blood and marriage.

It was just after Claire's family left, returning home to the Makah reservation that Quinn and Alex made their way out of the forest. Their clothes dirty, but intact. Quinn's eyes were swollen and red; her cheeks stained from her tears.

Alex's patience was at his breaking point; his words unnecessarily harsh, "I can't deal with girl problems." His statement loud enough so that it was heard by more than just the supernaturally gifted and his body language further revealed his frustration. He threw his hands in the air and made his way to get something to eat.

Quinn started crying again, running to me and throwing herself into my arms. "Mom, I'm broken. It's all wrong. Why do I have to be such a freak?"

Her sobs grew louder, making her words harder to understand. I tried to piece together what she was upset about. It was Quil who made sense of her words and the reason behind her anxiety.

"Kim, let me."

I reluctantly let go of Quinn, stroking her back a final time and placing a soft kiss on her head. "Honey, everything will alright. I promise."

I watched as she glided into the comfort of Quil's arms. Within such a short time, he'd effectively become the father they had needed. I couldn't help but see how well I'd chosen the man who fathered them and it was hard to reconcile all the time he'd missed out on their lives.

"Quinn, there's nothing wrong with you. Jonathan's going to need someone who's there to protect him and be his best friend. I know it would make Claire very happy to know that it was you."

Suddenly, it all made sense – Quinn had imprinted on Jonathan. In one moment, she'd been torn between the joy of the imprint and the feelings of wrongness because Billy still believed it was about soul mates. She and Jonathan were the final link in proving what Quil and I had started so long ago when we'd rejected what Fate had decreed.

Two weeks later, we were supposed to be on our way to spend part of summer vacation with Renee. Over the years I'd learned that plans didn't always go the way you wanted to. The reason for the change was the second loss we were forced to experience.

Billy.

He'd aged so much in the years I'd been gone and his health after Sarah's death had never been good. Years of diabetes had left him with high blood pressure and kidney problems. Though I expected his passing in one way or another – I'd thought it would be after a protracted illness. Instead, he'd gone to bed one night and never woke up.

Unlike the small ceremony we'd held for Claire – Billy's funeral was a large event that was attended by the entire tribe. Several tribes in various parts of Washington sent representatives which was appropriate in the case of the death of a tribe's chief.

Throughout the ceremony, Jake and Nessie along with Rachel and Paul stood side-by-side. Even Rebecca and her husband Solomon had shown up. Curiously, they'd never had children, which was probably a good thing as neither Rachel nor Jake had shared the tribal secret with Rebecca. This time Quil performed the rights, Quinn holding Jonathan and Alex supporting Sarah.

I could already see the beginnings of a deeper bond forming between Alex and Sarah. It had been too much to hope that they'd just stay friends. Though I found I didn't mind as much as I thought I would. Alex had always been my child that worried about every little thing.

To him, this was one less thing he had to worry about, but I knew it would take the four of us as parents to get them both to understand how important it was to experience just a bit of what life could offer. I wasn't afraid that they would be settling, but they were the next generation and would be the example the others after them followed.

Jake along with his pack brothers and sister accompanied Billy's body to James Island for his burial. Despite Jake's imprint on Nessie, it seemed wrong to allow her to traverse on the most sacred area of our lands. So she accompanied the rest of the mourners to the community center. At the last moment, Quinn and Alex were invited so I promised that I'd watch Jonathan until they re-joined us.

Not that I needed to make any such promise, the tribe looked at Jonathan as one of their own. Tribeswomen of all ages were eager to cradle him to their bosom and mother him. Between the tribe and the pack, there was never a lack of arms to hold and soothe him.

I helped out where I could, the duties of an imprint so ingrained in me that it was truly second nature. There wasn't much time before the pack was due to arrive back, but I needed a few minutes and Jonathan was safely ensconced in Joy's arms so I excused myself to use the restroom. As I entered the small room, I heard the sound of soft sobs and not knowing the reason, I cringed inwardly. Something was telling me, I was going to find out something I'd carry with me as a burden.

_Didn't I have enough of those already?_

"Are you okay?" I asked, not knowing who I was interrupting and if I should.

The squeaking sound of toilet paper being unrolled nearly covered up the soft response, "I'm fine."

Nessie.

I'd noticed that she looked paler than usual with dark purplish bruises underneath her eyes. I figured it was lack of sleep from the events of the past few weeks. It had taken a toll on all of us. First Claire, then Billy – we were all left wondering _"what next."_

"Are you sure? Can I get you something?"

The pause before she answered was so long that I thought perhaps, she'd chosen to ignore me. I turned ready to leave her alone. I wasn't going to push her into talking to me if she didn't want to.

I heard her sigh a few times before she finally answered, "Actually could you get me something out of my purse?"

"Sure," I glanced around and saw her bag lying on the counter. "What did you need?"

She made a choking sound before saying, "You'll see when you open it."

I unzipped and barely had it open when I realized the reason why she had such a large purse with her. Jammed inside were several large disposable absorbent pads. These weren't the normal kind that a woman used for that time of the month – they were the ones the hospital gave you after you had a baby. The first 24 hours you literally felt like you'd stuffed a towel between your legs.

I pulled one out for her and entered the stall next to hers, sliding the pad underneath the wall. She grabbed it from me, murmuring "thanks." I went to the bathroom and then walked over to the sink to wash my hands. A few moments later, Nessie came out of her stall and joined me.

"How many?"

"This is attempt number ten or eleven – I don't remember anymore," she replied softly. "Carlisle was sure this time it'd work. I'm so tired though… I just don't know if I can go through it anymore…"

"Have you told him?" By him, I meant Jake and she understood what I was trying to say without further elaboration.

Our eyes met in the mirror above the sinks, "No. How can I? It's what he's always wanted. The one thing I can't give him – a family. Did you know my mother once dreamt of what their life would be together? God, how I hate the fact that she once had the ability to give him everything that he wanted." Her eyes flashed with anger.

"I love him, so very much and I can't imagine not being with him. But why can't we have a normal life? Changing every day, children, growing old – everything that my mother gave up to be with my father. There are days I wish I'd never been born. That someone had convinced her to terminate the pregnancy."

I wasn't sure whether my gesture would be welcome or not, but I put arm around her shoulders and squeezed gently, "I'm sorry."

A few errant tears leaked from her eyes as she continued, "I can have anything that I want in the world except the one thing I truly desire – a normal life. There are days that I wish Jake's love was enough, but it isn't. Being back here is a reminder that I'm not normal, but I get how important it is for Jake to spend time with his family while he has the opportunity."

"All the more reason you should tell him. It can't be good for you to hide what you're feeling from him. Be honest with him about everything – I think you'll feel better once it's out in the open. And maybe he'll feel the same way about some of it too."

"You think so?"

I nodded, "Definitely. Secrets have a way of slowly destroying you and your relationships."

**AN: Later today I'll post the Epilogue. I'm hoping to get a few reviews with this update cause I'm a bit scared after only getting one for the last chap.**

FF_9072904_39 05/16/13 4:14AM


	40. Epilogue: Revenge

**********************************************************************************The Twilight Series belongs to S. Meyer, no copyright infringement is intended. I'm just playing with the characters.**

**********************************************************************************AN: This is the last chapter of Kim's story, but I do have a rough outline for Quil's story. I also have a O/S I'm working on that will be from Charlie's POV and will show how he figured things out. And probably a O/S from Claire's POV. I know, I know, why would you torture yourself and have more planned stories...well... 1. I'm crazy 2. Notice the list making? 3. This story was meant to be exactly 40 chaps, including the prologue and epilogue. 4. I think it would be much more interesting to get in a few people's minds and explore things. 5. Did I mention I'm crazy? Anyway enjoy this last part, but know that more will be coming later. Charlie's will be attached to this story. While Quil's story I'll open up in a new story and Claire's will be in that one. If you're interested in another story that takes on a slightly darker side of imprinting and Leah - I'd recommend Dark Solace, while the pairing is made known until halfway through, it will be surprising and I think you'll like it.**

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**Revenge (transitive verb) to avenge (as oneself) usually by retaliating in kind or degree**

**_12 years later…_**

The phasing explosion I'd wondered about when we first returned to Washington all those years ago had occurred. Most of the pack's children phased just before their fifteenth birthday. Harry was the first, followed by Sam and Emily's two boys Joseph and Aaron. There was a couple of year's gap until Jared and Beth's son Ben and Embry and Leah's other son Michael joined.

The last year was the hardest as for the first time in nearly 30 years we had children that phased – not teenagers, but children. Paul and Rachel's twin boys William and Ethan weren't even 13. Jared and Beth's second son Zachary followed a few weeks after Jonathan, both of them 12.

The summer that we'd lost Claire and Billy – we ended up having one thing to celebrate and that was the impetuous nuptials of Seth and his girlfriend of 4 years, Sophia. Within 6 months, they'd welcomed a son and 2 years later a daughter. Their son Gavin was the youngest member of the pack, phasing at only 11. We quickly realized something big was going on.

We'd lived in relative peace for too long. Our lands barely touched by the vampire threat which lurked in the shadows. While Alex had stepped down as Alpha – Harry taking over his birthright a few years after his first phase – he felt something coming the same way Quinn did. Their connection remained just as strong as it always had and likely always would; even though they'd both married and had children of their own to worry and fuss over. William and Ethan's was the same.

Over the years, I'd kept my promise to Renee, the kids and I made our trip to see her and Phil despite all the losses we encountered our first summer in La Push. We even brought two extras – Quil and Jonathan. As helpful as the tribe and pack thought they were being; they were also suffocating at times. Even better was how it gave the four of them time to spend together without having the ever-watchful eyes of the pack and elders trained on them.

It was the break we'd all needed. Quinn and Alex were able to spend a few weeks being the kids they were and getting to know their dad outside the context of his duties and obligations. And Renee was a sucker for babies. Little Jonathan gained another grandma without even asking for one. I think all the females in his life were determined that he never missed out on the love of a motherly figure. We wouldn't be able to replace Claire, but we could ensure that he'd grow to know how much she was loved and how much she loved him.

That trip also gave Quil and me the closure we needed on our past. Finally, we were able to forgive each other for the decisions we'd made and realize the chaos we'd created. It was the beginning of our future though it took more years for either one of us to feel comfortable putting a label on our relationship. It was Jonathan who finally got us to take the step we'd hedged around for 6 years.

"Dad, if Quinn and Alex are my siblings," he began one night during our weekly family dinner. "And Kim's their mom – how come she can't be mine too? I know my momma is in heaven watching over me, but it'd be nice to have a mom like they got too."

At 5 years old, he was the spitting image of Claire expect for his hair and chin; those were all Quil's. His personality the perfect mix of his father's clowning and his mother's sunny disposition. Every time Quinn and Alex slept over he'd beg them to tell him the story of his mom who he'd decided was a princess with her very own protector. Quinn was always quick to please him and added that our ancestors had made sure that we'd come home so I could breathe life into him and his mom asked that he have a protector like she did.

It was something that Quinn despite her fear, at first, had come to cherish. Their imprint had truly righted the wrongs and healed the wounds left over from our childhoods. Suddenly, all the curses became the blessings they were meant to be.

Alex and Quinn laughed at his statement while Quil and I reddened. Quinn reaching over to ruffle Jonathan's hair, "Jon, I'm sure they'll get around to it eventually – it only took mom 15 years to move back here, so we've probably got another 10 years to go before they figure it out."

"Not funny, Quinn," I reprimanded.

"Well, I think you should. Then we could have dinner together every night and Quinn and Alex could sleep over every day," he added enthusiastically.

That was the beginning of many times in which Jonathan badgered us. It was the fall after his sixth birthday that we finally tied the knot. The house I'd bought when I returned was sold along with the house he lived with Claire in; instead, we'd built a home in La Push on an empty plot of land. Quil had known about my fantasy home and designed it so that it resembled the house of my dreams. He'd even given me a cat as an anniversary gift on our first year of marriage. Though we didn't name the cat Patches – Jonathan was insistent that the cat's name was Wolfe with an 'e,' so we went along with it.

Nessie had followed my advice and talked to Jake. Though their dreams of children weren't realized – they seemed happier. Both of them taking the time to be a couple and not worrying about things that might never happen. She'd also set some boundaries with her family. Too often they tried to control hers and Jake's life – it had been a consistent issue in their marriage. Finally, they vacationed and visited the Cullens on their own terms.

After Billy's death, Jake effortlessly took over as chief of the tribe. If the tribe noticed that he hadn't aged in decades, none of them said anything about it. There was nearly a whole generation of us who'd barely aged and another after us. In some ways I think it gave the tribe a renewed belief in the magic and lore of our humble beginnings.

I hadn't been surprised that after years of Alex and Sarah being friends that once they entered college how their relationship blossomed. There'd been something in both their eyes the day he imprinted, which led me to believe their imprint would only deepen with time. It was the same way Sam had looked at Emily and Paul at Rachel. They existed for each other; their strengths and weaknesses balancing each other out. The perfect melding of two halves of the same whole – where one ended and the other began was so finite that you couldn't gauge it.

And Quinn had found her way too. Her nature had always reminded me of Leah – before the Sam and Emily debacle. When she'd still been a regular girl who believed in the power of love and was stubborn and focused on what she wanted from life. Quinn had been the bridge on which Leah and I had built a friendship. I'd finally been able to make amends for not understanding Leah and giving her the support she needed.

Quinn was a handful and she needed someone who'd be patient with her. Someone who wouldn't be fazed by her extremes in mood and temper. And that person just happened to be Leah and Embry's oldest son. Poor Harry – he didn't know what he'd signed up for when he'd confessed his undying love for her after his first phase.

She'd rebuked his advances. Quoting my words of wisdom that I'd given to Alex after he'd imprinted on Sarah. The poor boy was tied in knots and even though he hadn't imprinted – he knew in his heart that she was who he wanted. But Quinn didn't want her future to be planned out, not at 17. She wanted what I'd promised.

Choices.

Quil had been the one to help and guide Harry in winning her heart. It may seem strange that a father would willingly help a boy win over his daughter, but Embry was his best friend, so Quil knew the type of man that Harry would be. So Harry became the friend Quinn wanted and needed. As their friendship grew and strengthened, it didn't take long before we heard her complain that the boys she dated weren't like Harry. Their first date ended up being Harry's senior prom and they went as friends, but returned that night as something more.

Their relationship cemented Harry's status as the Alpha of the pack. Quinn becoming the Alpha female as Leah had before her. And it seemed to solve the mystery of so many years ago - who Embry's father was. It seemed Billy had secrets of his own and I could understand after everything I'd been through how one little moment in time could cause you to create an entire pretense in which the truth was never revealed.

Rachel was the one who put together the pieces as she remembered a time before Jake was born when their parents had been fighting. Sarah had kicked Billy out of the house and he'd left and stayed with his sister Nora on the Makah reservation. Tiffany confirmed the entire story when Rachel, Jake, and Embry confronted her about it. Tiffany's silence was bought with the offer that she and Embry would have a place in the tribe after her parents had kicked her out. And of course, there'd been a tribal job thrown in too. At 18, she'd taken the offer because she had nowhere else to go and no one to help her. It was another thing that I could understand.

Quinn's voice pulled me from my memories. "Mom," I heard her call as she entered our house. "Is dad home?"

"Not yet, but he'll be home soon," I answered, giving her a hug as she entered the kitchen.

"Huh, well I guess I'll wait for him."

"What's going on?"

She chewed her lip and refused to meet my eyes. A gesture left over from her later teenage years when she'd learned to be just as devious – well, maybe not quite – as me.

"Quinn," I inquired, raising a brow in her direction.

"Ugh, I shouldn't tell you 'cause you'll just freak out and be all weird. Alex told me to keep quiet. He's gonna kill me and Harry probably will help him. Damn it."

"Language," I reprimanded. "Jon's upstairs doing homework and his hearing's a bit too keen for me at the moment. So, what's going on?"

"Well, the Cullens – they're back. Remember when those bad guys from Italy came when Nessie was a baby…umm…toddler…you know."

I nodded and waited for her to continue. "It seems like they're going to come here to settle the score. The Cullens – they want the pack to fight, but we're not exactly in agreement and Jake thinks they aren't telling us the whole story. Like numbers and such. Plus, you know we don't like the idea of kids fighting vampire battles."

Well, it seemed like there was finally a reason for all the phasing. Though it wasn't the answer I wanted. In my heart I knew we'd end up fighting because what they weren't telling us – was that the Volturi were after us too. And perhaps, they had a very specific plan for us.

I hadn't been there, but I knew what had happened that December day so long ago. I knew how one of the vampires could touch your hand and see everything you'd ever seen. Anything that you'd catalogued in your memories, no matter how trivial was there for the taking. And Edward had known about our wolves and imprinting. Back then, it had been our one and only weakness. We now knew the wolf could survive without the imprint and the drive could be overridden, but back then we'd been blinded by the stories the elders had told us.

"Well, it won't just be your dad there when this meeting occurs. I assume you want him because you need the elders' blessing."

"Mom! Really? You're just going to be strange about the whole thing and probably embarrass Alex and me."

Her protests were met by deaf ears and when Quil came home a few minutes later, he'd simply thrown his hands up in the air. He knew which battles to fight and which ones weren't worth the time. The oldest members of the new pack – Quinn, Alex, Harry, and Sam's two boys along with the elders – Embry, Leah, Jake, Quil, and Sam all went to the Cullens' place in Forks.

It had been decades since I'd set eyes on them and they hadn't changed. If anything they looked even creepier than what I remembered. How they ever thought they fooled humans into believing they weren't a danger was beyond me.

Jake and Carlisle lead the meeting. I must admit that I was proud of the strength and leadership Jake showed. For once, he was thinking about the good of the pack and the tribe. This wasn't his selfish desire to protect a girl who was choosing death over life. It was about the future of our children and children's children. This was the man that Billy had wanted his son to become and I knew that he and Sarah were proudly witnessing this moment.

"Will the pack fight with us?" Carlisle asked.

"Why should we," Jake countered. "According to what Edward told Ness the Volturi are coming for you…this isn't our battle to wage, not anymore."

Carlisle looked shocked, his face turning toward Edward before moving back to us, "I don't know why he said that. This fight involves you. From what Alice has been able to see – they are looking to enact their revenge for what happened all those years ago. Us standing with our enemy, the wolves, against the Volturi and making fools out of them. They never forget."

I knew it wasn't my place to speak, but I had to, "So, basically you're telling us that had we actually fought them all those years ago this wouldn't be an issue? I wouldn't have to worry about my children fighting a battle that isn't theirs."

There were several stiff nods on the Cullen side and I continued, "If – and it's a big if – we choose to fight, what's in it for us? Your arrival in Forks took our futures from us. Some that phased the first time we faced the Volturi were as young as 10, did you know that? And now we've got the same thing happening. The youngest this time is 11 – Seth's son. I – _we_," I motioned to Quil and myself, "stand to lose three children if we fight. Think about all the children we could lose. Not to mention if the original pack chooses to fight. In one day – I could be left a widow and childless, so again – what are you going to do so that this doesn't happen again?"

It seemed I'd struck a nerve. Several of the Cullens looked stricken by my words. One even reprimanded Bella and Edward.

"Did you know this? And you still allowed it to happen?!" the long-haired blonde vampire seethed.

"Rosalie," Edward beseeched, putting his hands up in defense.

"No! I can't believe you'd ask this of them – that you asked this of them! The pack leaders were practically children themselves. It was wrong, so very wrong and now truthfully they're left without a choice but to fight. You, Bella, and Nessie should've gone to the Volturi and turned yourselves in."

It was what I'd needed to hear. What I think we all needed to hear – the fact that Edward and Bella had selfishly been willing to sacrifice everyone's lives for their own. We couldn't change the past, but the future was in our hands.

In the end, the pack chose to fight – both, the new one which consisted of our children and the original one. This time they were fighting for something much different and this time they wouldn't stand in a meadow and talk – they'd battle. The imprints fell into their old roles – feeding, clothing, and taking care of the pack. We pulled together like we had all those years ago and ran the behind the scenes while the pack trained and learned to fight together.

There wasn't time for fear or doubt. We were strong and unstoppable. Centuries of magic ran through our veins along with the will to live. This would be a battle which we'd record in our histories.

It was on a cold December day, nearly 30 years to the date when the Volturi arrived in our small part of the world. Everything that happened that day on the battlefield – I heard through the others.

The imprints, we'd gathered the tribe at the community center – the young, the old, and everyone in-between. In their eyes, I saw the worry that lingered as though they knew the truth of our deception. This wasn't a gathering to preserve our history – it was a gathering to try and ensure no human lives were lost.

Our warriors were fighting in battle for us and we'd be here waiting for them to return to our arms.

The skies were a dismal grey, the sun non-existent, and in the distance I could see the purple plumes of smoke. The smoke signaling that we'd managed to defeat some of our enemies, but it couldn't tell me how many. As the day went on, we gathered into a circle – one elder whose name escaped me began to pray in Quileute. Her voice ringing loud and true – its tempo resonated in our hearts. I imagined that the pack could hear and feel it too. That it gave them the strength they needed to continue.

It was near sunset, when the first survivors began to trickle in. The walking wounded. We got to work and began to triage them. The older residents of the tribe scooped up the young children and moved them to the meeting rooms. The older children and teens followed – their fear outweighing their curiosity.

It was long after nightfall when our dead arrived. They came carried on the shoulders of their brothers. The remaining Cullens came to help where they could. Their pale faces in stark contrast to our darkened complexions.

I began to sort through who of the Cullens weren't present. Edward, Jasper, and Alice. Then I moved to those of ours we'd lost. Their bodies forever stilled.

Sam, Harry's younger brother Michael, Collin, and Jared. We'd lost 4 to their 3. Nearly even numbers, which gave me the impression they'd fought just as hard as we had. The fact most were still standing meant we'd won. The Volturi would never bother us again – I doubted any of them were still alive; else the pack would still be out there fighting.

Rachel brushed against me, her voice low as she whispered, "Have you seen Nessie?"

I shook my head, but began to glance around the room. A shrill keening cry had a shiver running down my spine. I turned toward the direction that it'd come from and realized it was Bella. It answered Rachel's question – there lying with our dead was one body that was paler and slighter than any of our warriors, but covered in blood. Unlike her vampire relatives, her genetics made her closer to us than them.

Nessie.

Our heroes that day were the dead. Jared sacrificing himself to save Quinn – his imprint on me overriding his desire to protect himself as he knew I wouldn't be able to handle burying my child. Sam died protecting his sons; the legacy that he and Emily would leave behind. Nessie's death saved Gavin – the youngest of the pack. Michael had leapt in front of Esme, his body crushed by Felix's arms.

Collin and Alice were Paul and Rachel's twins' saviors. Without them, one or both of the young boys would have been lost, forcing Paul to explain to Rachel why he'd come home alone. When Alice's _life_ was ended, Jasper went on a rampage. His fury quickly caused him to make a poor choice and he'd fallen prey to the Volturi. Lastly, Edward had given his existence to save Jake and now that Nessie was gone – Jake was getting a second chance to have a different life.

We'd come full circle. Our losses equal and this would be the last time we'd fight together. The remaining Cullens would take the Volturi's place in Italy – proclaiming themselves the rulers of the vampire world. The Cullens giving us the one thing we'd longed for – peace. We'd never have to fear another vampire crossing our land or our children phasing because they were always watching to ensure it never happened. Our grandchildren would be no longer be bound to protect the tribe.

What had been started over 30 years ago could finally be put to rest. An ending to our beginning.

FF_9072904_40 05/16/13 10:20PM


End file.
